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First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You (Page 2 of 3)
Perhaps you can remember an interaction with someone who made you feel really good about yourself, when you felt respected, valued, and understood. Now try to remember a time when someone's words or actions made you feel bad about yourself—insulted, unappealing, or alienated. Do you think about how others feel about themselves after they speak with you? You should. Because what you say and do impacts the way people feel about themselves. How people feel after interacting with you on a first encounter is especially important, because it will impact how they feel about you, at that moment and perhaps permanently. It's straightforward: If you make people feel understood and happy, they may project that good feeling onto you and feel positively about you. However, if you inadvertently insult them or make them feel ill at ease, they may project inaccurate negative traits onto you. At the very least, they will associate their good or bad feelings with you. | |||||||||||||||||||
This chapter shows you how these emotions come to play in even very short interactions and explains the different ways you may focus your emotions. Chapter 3 describes more specifically what it means to make others feel good in a first meeting—that is, satisfying the core things people seek out from social interactions: appreciation, connection, mood elevation, and enlightenment. Part II elaborates how specific behaviors communicate these feelings and satisfy core desires in others.
David, a First Impressions client, is a Wall Street analyst. He was chatting with "Susan" at a café. In the course of their conversation, David told Susan about his interest in the history of New York City and a class he was taking on the subject. He told her about a paper he was writing on the political history of the city. Susan complimented him on his initiative and insights. She said she would be interested in reading his paper. He expounded on some of the key points in his essay. David liked Susan; Susan made him feel good about himself, respected for his ideas, and understood. Because of her expressed interest and respect for him, David naturally assumed that Susan liked him. But what David didn't think about was how Susan was feeling or how she was feeling about herself. When the consultant asked him about this in the feedback session, David admitted he didn't really think about that directly during the simulated date. But, since he felt good, he assumed that she did too. The consultant pointed out that she, as "Susan," felt informed by David's ideas, but she also felt that David didn't care about her very much because he never showed any interest in her, never asked her about herself or her opinions, and made no effort to connect with her. David's misunderstanding is a common one. We often assume that if we are having a good time that the person with us must be enjoying herself too. That's because, when you meet someone for the first time, you often focus on what you say and what you talk about. But how you come across to others is less about what you say or how you feel and more about how you make people feel about themselves in your presence. Every first interaction, even a casual conversation with a stranger on the street or at a party, can have an emotional impact on both individuals. There is a simple way to look at the different emotions involved. An interaction can affect:
This is a common focus in new situations. You talk to someone at a party or a meeting, and you notice how you feel—whether you are comfortable, energized, bored, nervous, intimidated, and so on. It's normal, unavoidable, and, of course, interesting and important to us all. It guides how you interact with people, what situations you seek out, and whom you choose to associate with. In this example, David felt confident, understood, and informative, and wanted to continue talking to Susan.
Once you feel comfortable enough with a new situation and a new person, you commonly relax your self-focus and turn your emotional attention to how you feel about others. You evaluate others based on how they respond to you and what they say and do. You make quick decisions about their personality, how much you like them, and so on. As discussed in Chapter 1, this is a natural, and often unconscious, phenomenon. David quickly noticed that he liked Susan; he felt that she shared his ideas and attitudes.
Making a good impression means making someone feel positively about you—so how the other person feels about you should be an important focus. And it usually is when you are in situations in which you consciously want to impress someone or know you are being evaluated—such as in a first contact with a client or a first date. During the interaction, you may notice whether the other person smiles and pays attention to you, laughs at your jokes, and seems engaged. Or you may reflect later and try to evaluate the kind of impression you made. David didn't think about how Susan felt about him. He was caught up in thinking about how he felt.
You may not realize how powerfully you can affect how others feel and, especially, how they feel about themselves. Sure, you know that you can entertain or bore someone, but do you think about how you can make that person feel proud or insightful? It's important, because how people feel about themselves after interacting with you will impact how they feel about you. Focus 4 is the most neglected of the four emotional focuses. Do you typically think about your emotional impact on others? Do others leave the conversation feeling really good about themselves? When you are with people you know well, you may readily perceive how they are feeling—and strive to make them feel good. For example, you may compliment a friend on his fine cooking because you know it's important to him and you want him to feel proud. However, in a first conversation, you may not think about how others feel about themselves. That may be because you don't know them and can't tap in to their emotional needs easily. And, in the discomfort of a first meeting, you may be distracted by your own feelings and needs. We've noticed that our clients are much more oriented to Focus 1, 2, and 3 than to Focus 4. An orientation toward Focus 4—how others feel about themselves—is the secret to making a positive first impression. But it's not obvious because it's not an automatic emotional orientation. It doesn't just pop into your awareness the way feelings about yourself do. It requires conscious thought and shifting of attention. But if you can shift your focus from your own feelings to making others feel good, you'll be more likely to make a better first impression. For example, David neglected to think about how Susan was feeling and how she was feeling about herself. As a result, he didn't make the impression he thought he was making or get the reaction he expected. We've seen that a lot of misunderstandings stem from a neglect of Focus 4.
Focus 4 is a form of social generosity. It's what is commonly meant by being "nice." It's putting others' needs and feelings before your own. While relationships are about mutual need fulfillment, first impressions are about meeting others' needs. When you meet someone for the first time, it's a short but special moment. When you put your own needs aside for that moment and shift your focus to the other, you demonstrate that you can be generous and selfless. If you don't, it may suggest that you can't and that you may be an emotional burden, someone who is draining to be around. It's like telling strangers that you are interested only in yourself or that you have some unsatisfied needs that you're hoping they can fulfill.
Being socially generous has advantages in the world. People unconsciously evaluate you by the social benefits you provide and balance them against any social "costs" you incur. According to the theory of social exchange, people seek out others who provide them with the feelings and benefits they desire and people who provide them with the most benefits are the most desired. So, if you make others feel special and put them in a good mood, you will be more socially desirable than others who don't provide them with such positive feelings. You make yourself less desirable if you incur social "costs"—that is, if you deny others the benefits they seek by failing to show your appreciation, putting them in a negative mood, or boring them. An important feature of social exchange is that it is an exchange. We evaluate, and are evaluated by, the benefits we provide to others. It may sound cold, but it explains a lot of human behavior. And to ignore this fact is to miss out on an important part of normal and healthy human dynamics. As when looking for a friend, a spouse, or an employer, you like to feel that you're getting the most you can. Everyone likes being with someone they enjoy, is good to them, respects them, and has a minimum of burdensome qualities. Think of someone you especially like to be around. What social benefits does that person provide? How does he or she make you feel? Think of someone who is socially difficult. What costs does he or she incur?
If you spend all your energy making the other person feel good, what about you? How can you be sure you get what you want? Although you may not have thought about it clearly (until now), you probably have a feeling of what you would like to get out of interactions with others. You may like to be around people who make you laugh. You may like to share a lot about yourself because it makes you feel understood, or you may enjoy talking about your work because it allows you to feel talented. How do you balance getting what you want while focusing your energy on others? Paradoxically, the shortest route to getting what you want is to give to others first. It's true. The more you listen and connect, the more likely it is that others will return the attention. A first interaction may be an opportunity for two people to experience a pleasant moment, or it may be the start of a friendship, social connection, business relationship, or romance. If you begin from a position of generosity, and meet others needs, you lay the groundwork for getting reciprocal fulfillment. Your act of social generosity will endear you to others and open the door to acceptance. It gives you more power to pursue the relationships you want—and you can decide later whether you are getting back what you want or need.
Copyright © 2004 by Ann Demarais, Ph.D., and Valerie White, Ph.D.. Excerpted by permission of Bantam, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. About the Author Ann Demarais, Ph.D., is the coauthor of First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You. She has more than 15 years of experience in applied psychology, specializing in interpersonal communication and executive coaching. She is the owner of First Impressions, Inc., a unique company that provides behavioral feedback to individuals seeking to learn more about themselves and to gain insight into how others see them in business, social, and dating situations. More by Ann Demarais, Ph.D.Dr. Valerie White is a co-founder of First Impressions, Inc. She is licensed clinical psychologist who has provided leadership assessment and training and executive coaching for over ten years. Dr. White received her PhD from Fordham University in New York. Dr. White operates a private practice in executive coaching and personal counseling. More by Valerie White, Ph.D. |
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