If the Stick Is Blue, You Know What to Do!

The Conception Chronicles : The Uncensored Truth About Sex, Love & Marriage When You're Trying to Get Pregnant
by Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Edgerton Menzel, Shelly Dicken Sutphen

When we first started down the baby-making path, we thought we'd be pregnant in no time. We'd just toss out our birth control pills and before we knew it, we'd be rocking our little one to sleep. Little did we know what was in store for us, or the energy it would take to face all of the crazy, unpredictable and (sometimes) irrational emotions we felt along the way. Neither did our husbands. Sound familiar?

• If your idea of foreplay is screaming, "I'm ovulating; it's time!!!" to your oblivious husband...

• If your ovulation schedule is ruling your life and every trip to the drug store includes a bulk purchase of pregnancy sticks...

• If you're running out of answers to the chronic questioning from the pregnancy paparazzi about your plans for parenthood ...

Then this is the book for you. Whether it's been three months or three years since you've been trying, the more complicated and overwhelming the process becomes.

The Conception Chronicles shares candid humor, hold-nothing-back banter and practical advice on everything that goes along with trying to start a family: from dealing with your fertile friends to the battery of tests you may have to face; from surviving "sex on demand" to navigating the ins and outs of high-tech fertility treatments. This book will guide you through the emotional journey to motherhood, offering compassion and laughter like only your best girlfriends can. And we promise you'll never hear us say, "Relax and you'll be pregnant in no time."

Patty, Shelly and Courtney survived the challenges of getting pregnant with thier relationships in and their sense of humor in tact.

Check, Please!

When you first started down the baby-making road, you were in a dead sprint and filled with optimism. Not realizing you were getting a bit ahead of yourself, you started making elaborate plans as to how you would announce your husband's pending fatherhood. Trips to the mall included a special detour to check out the latest maternity fashions, and you secretly started making a list of the must-have items for spring for those sporting a bulging belly.

Now that you've dipped into the bag of ovulation tricks and are actively using your tool of choice but still have nothing to show for it, you are starting to feel winded. How much longer is this going to take? You flash back to ninth grade and hear the droning voice of your algebra teacher, "If you are thirty-five years old and ovulate once a month, what is the probability you will have a child by age thirty-seven?" As if that's not enough, you take your calculations to the next level to determine how quickly you'll have to get pregnant again to have your second child before you hit forty.

The frazzled frenzy of age versus fertility can leave anyone feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's time for a reality check. No, it doesn't look like you'll be one of those lucky women whose pregnancy is a "surprise," but you are also a far cry from birthing the first human clone. From all your research, you know most doctors recommend a woman consult her physician after trying to conceive for a year (if she's under thirty-five) or after six months (if she's over thirtyfive). You're not there yet, so don't panic. Dust yourself off, shake off the past months' disappointments and get back to business-it's time for Operation Ovulation!

Preoperative Work: Getting the Goods

Operation Ovulation begins the minute the red flag of failure arrives. Once again, it's time for a trip to the pharmacy to pick up the monthly care package: one large box of tampons, two boxes of ovulation kits, two boxes of pregnancy tests.

In the early days of Operation Ovulation, you probably approached the checkout register rather sheepishly and tried to camouflage your conception care package by piling on all sorts of unnecessary merchandise-Pringles variety pack, every possible flavor of Twizzlers, mango body scrub and a veritable collection of celebrity rags. Buying junk food and junk journalism is probably no less embarrassing, but somehow it manages to mask the awkwardness.

Now that you are a more seasoned veteran, you have mapped out a strategy for each month. Selecting the proper retail outlet is the crucial first step. In the old days, you loved the small local pharmacy because everyone knew your name, and more than once the pharmacist questioned your choice of over-the-counter cough medicine. When it comes to Operation Ovulation, however, anonymity is key! You've scouted out the county and found one of those superstores that could double as an airport terminal with the most apathetic, disinterested, least customer-friendly pharmacy within a twenty-mile radius. Perfect!

Once all the goods are collected, it's time to check out. Not too fast! Take a moment to scan all the cashiers. You're looking for the most disgruntled (preferably male) cashier. Your ideal checker will have a dirty, rumpled uniform-a sure sign his probation officer made him take the job. Jackpot! Now just slink through the line without making eye contact or starting any small talk, and you're home free, at least for another month.

There was a month Patty was certain she was pregnant. Unfortunately, this happened almost every month, but this one month in particular she was really convinced, so she decided it was time to take a pregnancy test. She didn't have any in the house, so she ran out to the local pharmacy. Patty grabbed a pregnancy test and headed straight for the checkout line without any thought. Ironically, there was a five-foot poster declaring the store's commitment to the "Privacy Act" posted at the register. It turned out her cashier was a sweet older immigrant woman. With a thick Polish accent, she screamed, "Congratulations-Baby!" Humiliated and terrified that she may actually know someone in the long line behind her, Patty tried to explain she wasn't sure if she was pregnant, which is why she needed the test. Unfortunately, her explanation was lost in translation, and the cashier sadly replied, "You no happy with baby?" Patty didn't have the energy to explain she would be out of her mind with happiness if she were in fact pregnant, but she had been taking these tests for months and not one had been positive. Instead, she just said, "Yes, I'm very happy to be pregnant," and never went back to that store again.

© Copyright 2005 Health Communications, Inc.

About the Author

After battling infertility for three years, Patty Doyle Debano is pregnant with her first child. She lives in Connecticut with her husband, Scott, and their slightly overweight golden retriever.

Courtney Edgerton Menzel is the mother of a daughter, five, and a son, three. She lives in Chicago with her husband, Dan, and manages to balance the demands of motherhood and a full time career thanks to a variety of take-out menus.

Shelly Dicken Sutphen is the mother of a "spirited" three-year-old daughter. She lives in San Diego with her husband, Bruce, and surprisingly, has the energy to try for number two.