Moms, Take Heart, Part 2

(Page 2 of 2)

Your New Status (i.e., Demotion)

If your daughter is the eldest or only child in the family, you may be jolted by the realization that her strides toward independence are nudging-or, what is more likely, demanding-you to mother her differently. After all, during the past ten years or so there have been many moments when you felt reasonably confident; you have seen your daughter's adjustment and your relationship with her as an endorsement of the job you have been attempting to do as a mother. Now, suddenly, she may be telling you or showing you, “All that's in the past, Mom!” Her adolescent changes are increasingly causing you to doubt yourself.

At the same time, many women I speak to pride themselves on being more closely connected to their daughters and in tune with the teenage world than were their own mothers, whom they happily believe remained oblivious to their adolescent exploits. A modern mother's sense of being more in the know and involved with her daughter can lead, however, to a false sense of control. Thus you may be disappointed or even devastated in those moments when you feel helpless to make changes in your teenage daughter's social life. For example, even if you think the newest member of her youth group personifies trouble, your daughter may eagerly befriend her. Despite the poor reputation of a particular family, your daughter may spend considerable time in that home. This loss of control is not unlike when your school-age daughter became friends with children whose parents had different habits, rules, and expectations, some of which made you uneasy.

Now that she is a teenager, these fears are undoubtedly far worse. You realize that your daughter has stopped behaving according to your wishes, your guidance, and your wisdom. Not only have you been ousted from your long-held position as her ultimate authority and moral compass, but you have also been replaced by her peers as the litmus test of what is and isn't acceptable. Your daughter is making countless, daily social choices without your input or guidance, most of which you may never find out about.

Any lingering doubts about your status in your daughter's social life should be clarified by this rather humorous exchange I recently overheard between two sixteen-year-old employees of a clothing store:

“I met your mother yesterday,” one said to the other, “and she was really nice.”

“Yeah, she is,” the girl replied. “There's only one problem.”

“What's that?” the first girl asked.

“Well ... she likes to talk to me.”

Given this mentality, it is not surprising that even when you raise valid concerns about her life, your daughter is unlikely to be overly grateful for your interest. Instead she may be shocked by your accusations and eager to deny the existence of a problem (“I'm totally fine!”). Moreover, she probably tells you that it is not her but you who has the problem or, alternatively, that she does have a problem-and that her problem is you! If all else fails, teenage girls usually blame their mothers (“Why are you always overreacting?” or “You don't have to flip out!”) whenever there is the slightest possibility they have erred.

Even when you have undeniable evidence of your daughter's foolish behavior or serious infraction of a basic family rule, she is likely to minimize the situation (“I just made one little slip; did you expect me to be perfect?”) or defend herself (“Everybody else was much worse than me; you should be happy!”). Any efforts to correct her are not only rebuffed, but also intensely resented. Developmentally this makes sense. Because she is struggling mightily to establish a sense of who she is and who she will become, your teenager may cling to slivers of self-confidence that instantly chafe at the tug of your questioning. In fact, any advice you offer, no matter how cautiously, may be interpreted as an absolute demolition of her character.

Even if you realize this is normal, you can still feel discarded, rejected or abandoned by your daughter. In a somewhat wistful manner, the mother of a seventeen-year-old described her daughter as “kind of a boarder in my home. She sleeps here and eats here and that's about it.” Bette, the fifty-one-year-old mother of a high school junior, put it perhaps most poignantly: “I anticipated losing my daughter when she went to college. She hasn't moved out yet, but she certainly has moved on.”

An Evolving
Mother-Daughter Relationship

So just what are you supposed to do? Of course, one of your main roles is to guide your daughter along the many pathways to becoming a young woman. You see it as your responsibility to step in when she faces hardship and trouble. It goes without saying that you would desperately like to keep her from becoming a teen in turmoil. But it is hard to know how to accomplish these and all your other goals, especially when your adolescent daughter seems to resist and resent your assistance.

Frustrated and discouraged, some mothers simply become resigned to their daughters' “doing whatever they want.” Many conclude, in effect, that teenagers should take care of themselves because, “There's nothing I can do, anyway.” It is not that these mothers are unloving or uncaring, but they withdraw from their daughters' lives because they don't know any other possible course. Perhaps it is agonizing helplessness that prompts some mothers' unconscious parenting philosophy: “If I don't see any problems, I don't have to deal with them” and its associated wish, “and then they will go away.” Yet clinical experience proves over and again that this disconnection from mothers is the very last thing teenage girls need.

That is why I wanted to write this book: to offer an alternative approach that can help you to remain closely connected to your daughter while parenting her effectively through the adolescent years. This will require that your relationship with her evolve according to her age, skills, and needs. Essentially, you and your daughter will become a team-not as equal partners, of course, but as a mother and a teenage girl who, working together, benefit from both of your perspectives, desires, and expertise. This collaborative way of interacting with your daughter, as you will see through- out the chapters ahead, is guided by your BRAIN-that is, by the principles of Being flexible, Respectful, Attuned, Involved, and Noncontrolling.

Whether your daughter is nearing puberty, in the throes of adolescence, or getting ready to leave home, this approach will enable you to strengthen your relationship as well as your effectiveness as a mother. Of course you already have ideas about how your daughter is managing her life and assumptions about how you can help her to adjust well to adolescence. But as you read this book, these assessments may well change, especially as you become more aware of your own role in this relationship. Thus rather than jumping to conclusions or reacting automatically, you might want to consider these new rules for mothering.

Being Flexible and Attuned to your daughter, for example, helps you to adapt more precisely to her growing maturity and changing needs. You will learn to pay attention to your daughter's cues to decide when to pursue an issue, when to dig deeper, and when to let go. You will figure out more adeptly when to change a rule, make an exception, or stick to “Absolutely not!” When you are Respectful of your daughter's individuality, you can best convey your ideas about healthy relationships, solving interpersonal problems, and learning from mistakes.

Above all, this approach guides you to remain appropriately Involved, yet Noncontrolling. This delicate balance is key to successfully parenting a teenage girl. Being noncontrolling requires you to recognize that you cannot know everything about your daughter, make her decisions, or prevent her mistakes. Instead, you will learn to gauge when she is ready for the next step and support her age-appropriate autonomy. That way your daughter will get opportunities to practice thinking clearly, making smarter choices, and becoming more responsible for her own behavior. At the same time, however, it is equally crucial to stay involved with your daughter. When you monitor what is going on in her life, you can step in correctly when she oversteps a boundary, rushes ahead too quickly, or needs different limits. Remaining involved yet noncontrolling allows you to intervene appropriately and to prevent future problems.

Throughout these pages you will learn to use everyday situations as springboards for fundamental discussions about, say, expectations in friendship, limit setting, and personal values. The voices of real teenage girls will advise you about which of their mothers' approaches seem to work and, conversely, those they perceive as intrusive, condescending, or simply ridiculous. These tips will help you to communicate in ways that counteract the harmful cultural messages your daughter gets about self-esteem, romantic relationships, and sexuality.

In addition, to supplement what your daughter may or may not disclose, you will learn from other girls about the perils and pleasures of teenagers' social lives. As you read poignant accounts of the emotional roller coaster of the typical adolescent-the confusion, pain, elation, insecurity, enthusiasm, loneliness, self-consciousness, and discomfort-you will find yourself more attuned to your own daughter's feelings. As you are reminded of the devotion to friends and desperation to be cool that often guide teenagers' decisions, you will better understand your daughter's motivations. As you learn how these girls struggle and progressively learn to navigate their social world, you may become more sanguine about your own daughter's ability to do so.

Before you get into the nitty-gritty, however, I would like to share five basic premises that prove reassuring to other mothers raising teenage girls:

1. There Are No Perfect Kids-or Mothers

Unfortunately many women are operating under the false assumption that they alone are muddling through mothering, that everyone else has raising adolescent daughters all figured out. What usually promotes this way of thinking is the sighting of perfect girls-that is, those who refrain from wearing skimpy clothing, swearing, having tantrums, or doing whatever it is your own daughter is presently doing that most disturbs you. Eventually, you may find out that these seemingly ideal girls actually get drunk, have unprotected sex, develop emotional disorders, or accept rides from strangers. But until then, you may be convinced that your daughter is a disgrace-and that you have made her so.

Of course at least on some level, everybody knows there are neither perfect daughters nor perfect mothers. As Minna, forty-five, says, “It wasn't until my daughter had graduated from high school that my bubble was burst. I looked in her yearbook and was absolutely shocked at what her friends had written. The profanity! The sexual innuendoes! I realized then that I had known only a fraction of what they really did!”

Mothering is not only hard, but humbling.

Fortunately, whatever I failed to learn in graduate school or in nearly a quarter century of clinical practice, I was taught by my own two teenagers, who have been most eager to correct my deficiencies. A tendency to point out ideal peers was but one. When my son was in middle school, for example, I remember commenting that his friend had been a pleasure to have as a weekend guest because he was always so calm, had good manners, and used a respectful tone of voice. Without skipping a beat, my son replied, “You should know, Mom, that's because he wasn't home.”

2. There Are No Perfect-or Permanent-Solutions

Because you have less knowledge about your daughter's social life than you used to and you are determined to be noncontrolling, it will be nearly impossible for you to solve her problems. If you are aiming for perfect solutions, you probably want to rethink that goal. In fact, if you are to be at all helpful, it will be because you are willing to put your head together with your daughter's, carefully consider and weigh all the issues, and come up with workable compromises. In other words, you'll collaborate with her. But even then, despite your finding this ideal solution, your daughter may decide on her own to take a different tack. Before you despair, however, remember that the most important social lessons are often learned not from your best conversations or most ideal strategies, but from your daughter's everyday experiences and mistakes.

In addition, your child-rearing solutions are neither perfect nor permanent because your daughter's social situations are in perpetual flux, your understanding is improving, and she is continuously maturing and changing. What this means, however, is that a parenting strategy that worked like a charm yesterday will fail miserably today. And by next week, you could well be chastising yourself, “Whatever could I have been thinking?” Therefore it is best to take mothering your teenage daughter one day and one situation or problem at a time. Now is the time to be flexible and creative.

3. Parents Can-and Do-Make a Difference

Regardless of what your daughter may be telling you, there is no doubt that she still needs you. When she claims, “I'm not a little kid anymore; I don't need your advice,” you may offer a gentle reminder, “Yes, but I'm still your mom.” Time and time again, whether working with parents and teenagers in my office or raising my own teenagers, I have seen the enormous impact that mothers-and fathers, of course-can have on their daughters' most important decisions. In fact, the pivotal role of fathers in girls' development, especially their social lives, could be the subject of a whole other book. Although this work focuses on the mother-daughter relationship, fathers may also find many of the principles and strategies useful.

Research corroborates that parents are a critical source of information teenagers get about the world, especially about close, committed relationships, values, sound decision making, and consequences of one's actions. For example, The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, the largest and most comprehensive study of American teenagers, found that feeling close to parents was one of the strongest deterrents to risky behaviors such as early sexual activity, substance use, and violence. According to a recent CBS poll, when one thousand girls aged thirteen to seventeen were asked whom they most admired, 40 percent said Mom. The Roper Youth Report found that the majority of adolescents cited parents as their number one influence-over friends, teachers, TV, and advertising-on issues such as drinking, decision making, and long-term planning.

4. Have Faith in the Learning Process

Having said all this about the importance of mothering, there are also undeniable limitations to your influence. Since you are rarely privy to all the information, won't be able to fathom many teenage social situations, and cannot control your daughter's decisions, how can you determine their outcome? You can't. That is why you must respect-albeit vigilantly-the process through which your daughter experiences and discovers certain things for herself as she goes out into the world.

I learned this purely by accident. For many years I had been concerned about one of my daughter's camp friends, who seemed particularly moody, remote, and self-deprecating. Fortunately, it was not until much later that I learned more about Tanya's problems. Had I known when the girls were younger about her tendency to binge when drinking, I would have worried more about Tanya's influence on my daughter and probably tried (undoubtedly without success) to discourage their association. What happened, instead, was far preferable.

Although for years my daughter maintained her friendship with Tanya out of loyalty and concern, she learned how to take better care of herself whenever they were together. Gradually, she distanced herself from Tanya. More important, perhaps, her own attitudes and decisions about drinking were apparently shaped, at least in part, by her observations of Tanya's sloppy and nasty behavior when drunk; essentially, she had learned from this friend what she did not want to do. My staying out of that process, however inadvertent, was a blessing.

5. The Mother-Daughter Relationship Evolves

When you are in the middle of a transition or in the thick of conflict, you may forget that circumstances can-and will-change. When you look into the future, it is hard to remember that someday things will be different with your daughter. Not only can't you be aware of what life will bring, but also you often cannot foresee how your daughter will mature and how you too will grow as a mother. It is hard to envision, in turn, how your mother-daughter relationship will evolve over time.

When my daughter started middle school, she suddenly began to protect not only her privacy, but also her entire territory, with a vengeance. Whenever I entered her bedroom, she went into a flurry, hastily closing her journal and stashing papers out of sight. Sometimes I felt like an intruder! In fact, I still recall a nearly visceral reaction, as if I were being forcibly evicted not just from her room, but also from her life. I longed to know her secrets, to touch the items most important to her, if only to stay in close touch with my daughter and her world. Several years later, however, I was shocked to discover equally abruptly that this situation had undergone a 180-degree turnaround.

In her rush to pack up and leave for a trip during her last summer of high school, my daughter's room was in unusual disarray. When I offered to straighten it in her absence, I was surprised not only that she didn't hesitate, but also that she was grateful! A few days later, eager for the project, I stood in the doorway of my daughter's room and thought, “Okay, where should I start?” However, I couldn't move.

I was immediately struck by the oddest sensation of discomfort: It was not my little girl's room anymore. In fact, I was conscious of feeling as awkward as if I were about to rifle through the possessions of another adult, perhaps some woman with whom I was sharing a home. It occurred to me that my daughter's maturation, my own growth, as well as the myriad changes our relationship had undergone during these years, had all contributed to this unexpected state of affairs. I left the room and closed the door behind me to await her return.

The road ahead with your own daughter may well seem confusing or overwhelming at times. But as you progress through this book, your insights will help you to build and maintain a trusting relationship, to encourage your daughter to develop a strong sense of self, and to enable both of you to tackle daily problems and crises that come your way. The first step, however, is actually to take a step back. Now that she is a teenager, it behooves you to reexamine and readjust, if necessary, your basic approach to parenting your daughter. The next chapter will lead the way.