How Old Are You Anyway?

The Ropes: Girls Have the Rules, Women Know the Ropes
by Judy Steinberg, Raechel Donahue

(Page 2 of 2)

Pros and cons of lying about your age

Age only matters if you're a cheese.

Helen Hayes

Lying about one's age is always a dilemma. Once you've done it, you're stuck with it, and more often than not it will come back to bite you in the most inappropriate place. Whenever possible, go with the truth.

I have a hideous compulsion to tell the truth about my age. Possibly because I think if age is going to be an issue, it should be on the table up front. That way there are no disappointments or surprises. Besides, if I lie about my age, I must also lie about what I've done in my life, and that would make me less of a person, if only to myself. Also, since I know I look younger than my age, I like invoking that look of shock, although I admit it's more fun to do it to women than to men.

Go easy on the blush. You're one brush stroke away from looking like Bozo the Clown.

The one time I tried to play it coy, the man fell for me hard. On our third or fourth date he started telling me how he had frozen some of his sperm and I was in deep soup when I realized he was planning for "our child." Oh, boy.

I was working on just exactly how I was going to break the news to him when he asked, "How old are you, anyway?"

First I made him guess. Bless his little tadpole heart, he guessed forty.

"Sixty," I said, batting my eyelashes.

He was just having a sip of champagne and, to his credit, he didn't do a spit take and no bubbles came out of his nose. But he was rendered speechless.

As for me, I spent the rest of the evening wallowing in the pleasure of looking forty.

It was our last date. I'll bet he asks that age question a lot earlier in the game from now on.

It's a big thrill when a man under guesses your age by twenty years, but when another woman does it, it's absolute bliss.

I was a guest at a cocktail party honoring one of my older daughter's friends, chatting with a group of people about the fact that we were all born during the war, when another woman joined the circle.

"I was born during World War II," she chimed in, shooting me a skeptical glance. "What war were you born in?"

"WWII, 1942," I chirped, meeting her gaze with my most ingenuous smile.

I can't really tell you her reply. It was muttered under her breath as she turned on her heel and walked away. Sometimes, as Dorothy Parker said, a girl's best friend is her mutter. In this case, the mutter was my new best friend.

I was waiting in an airport bar when a well-dressed woman remarked, apropos of almost nothing, that we appeared to be the same age. And we did, I agreed. In fact, I had noticed her when we were going through security and had thought the same thing myself.

"You haven't had anything done, have you," she said, as a statement rather than a question. I confessed to having a little Botox just recently. "How old are you anyway?" she then asked, not meaning it as an insult. It turned out that she was nearly ten years younger than I, which made me feel great and made her feel like heading for the nearest plastic surgeon.

* * *

I'm not interested in age. People who tell their age are silly. You're only as old as you feel.

Elizabeth Arden

While a man will fritter away his conversational time by bragging about how much money he makes, his golf score, or other more personal scores, a woman will cut directly to the chase. She doesn't need to tell anyone anything about herself; she just needs to know the other woman's age. Then she can compare herself and either get smug or take the whole day into the toilet.

What is it that makes some women come off as so much younger than others of the same age? To be sure, cosmetic surgery and taking care of yourself can help a great deal, but I have a friend who has had virtually every part of her body tucked, sucked, snipped, and sewn and she still looks every bit her real age! You know why? She doesn't do a lick of exercise and she has the posture of an old woman. Much of how you are perceived depends upon how you carry yourself. Remember, walk with your tail in the air!

On the other hand, I have friends who have done nothing but soap and water for their fifty years on the planet and somehow still look ten years younger. I think a large part of how age looks on us is in the way we comfort ourselves. Once we stop having fun and start taking on those curmudgeonly attitudes, it's the beginning of the end of youth.

* * *

We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.

Anaïs Nin

Lying Up

If you approach your age with a sense of humor, even lying about it can be fun. While I don't advocate lying in any way, I know one funny woman who began what she calls "lying up" when she was in her late forties. "It was kind of like practicing for the next decade," she says. "I was forty-seven and I would tell people I was fifty, and they'd be amazed at how fabulous I looked!" It's amazing how the perception of age changes with just a few years-how could forty-seven be so different from fifty?

* * *

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Aall

Of course, if you lie to make yourself older, you can easily and joyously go back to the truth. People may think you're weird, but their only question would be why someone would lie up. However, if you're saying you're younger than you are, you'd best take care to remember the fib and the accompanying birth years, graduation dates, and children's ages if you don't want to get caught.

Also, try to make the lie reasonable. It's no use pretending to be twenty-seven when you're really fifty-eight. Besides, who'd want to be that stupid again? See if you can figure out how old you are in the eyes of others. Don't ask your contemporaries because they can usually spot someone of their own generation a mile off. Try telling a young salesgirl at the cosmetic counter that you think that new lipstick shade is too young for you and then try to find out how old she thinks you are. Just know that even forty seems really, really old when you're in your twenties, so don't settle for a generalization; get the girl to commit to an actual number. If you get a guess that's ten years younger, then you're on the right track.

Sexy or Delusional?

Dressing like a teenager doesn't make you one, so don't do it. Perversely, if you dress like a granny, you'll definitely be perceived as one. And while there's certainly nothing wrong with having grandchildren, you don't have to advertise your age. If you're wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with the slogan "Number One Grandma" you're pretty much advertising that you're out of the dating pool, lessening the odds that an attractive man will make a pass at you. I suppose you could try "This Granny Still Rocks!" but I'm not sure it'd make a big difference.

As shallow as it may sound, your clothes can make or break your image, at least in the eyes of others. How many tacky talk shows have you seen featuring a teenage girl desperately seeking a makeover for her superannuated Lolita mother? You know, the one who is wearing the see-through blouse that no one wants to see through? Tape one of those episodes and play it back every time you have an urge to dress like a dancer in an MTV video.

If you still have your micromini or (gasp!) hot pants, perhaps you could sell them on eBay as collectibles. Or donate those wild and crazy outfits to a thrift store and know that some young hottie will be channeling you as she wows the boys in a trendy nightclub while undulating to music that would give you a massive headache.

Use It or Lose It

You know you have to keep your body fit and supple as you get older, and you should give the same attention to your mind. Don't spend your evenings in front of the television. If you stay home, occupy your mind with something that makes you think-read a book, do a challenging crossword puzzle (the one in TV Guide doesn't count), or comb through the latest magazines for ideas on revamping your wardrobe or improving your life in general. Visit art galleries (especially the opening receptions when they serve wine and miniature quiches), go to a play, go to a rock concert, just go!

There's a difference between your chronological age and your real age. The way your body ages is directly related to the way you take care of yourself. No matter how good you look on the outside, you have to watch your cholesterol and blood pressure, as well as take care of your heart. Who cares how fabulous your face is if you drop dead at sixty? Take care of the whole package and you'll still be knockin' 'em dead at seventy-five.

* * *

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Kathleen Norris

Copyright © 2005 by Judy Steinberg. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced without permission.

About the Author

Judy Steinberg was married to comedian/filmmaker David Steinberg and has spent the last forty years of her life living and working among some of the great comedy minds of two generations. She lives in New York City.

Raechel Donahue is the author of The Golden Rules for Modern Romance and The Golden Rules for Modern Etiquette. A popular radio personality, she has a national weekend show broadcast by the Jones Satellite Radio Network and is the nightly host of the syndicated "Moonlight Groove Highway." She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, and Venice Beach, California.