Introduction

The Ropes: Girls Have the Rules, Women Know the Ropes
by Judy Steinberg, Raechel Donahue

Ladies, are you ready to beat the stuffing out of Mother Nature and show the worldjust how fabulous you are? Then you need to know The Ropes!

A sexy woman is one who exudes confidence, no matter her age. The Ropes is all about tricks for staying glamorous, fit, dynamic. This is the guide you need to give your wardrobe a chic makeover and your body a gravity defying workout. You'll learn to survive being suddenly single, reenter the dating scene, and find out what men really like in the bedroom (surprise-it has nothing to do with wearing a size 0!)

Here you'll find the important questions to ask your doctor before considering plastic surgery, and a complete guide to dating younger men (Tadpoling). Full of woman-to-woman advice and spiced with a sense of humor that can only be earned by living, The Ropes is a salute to the new generation of vital, successful and gorgeous older single women. Here's to you, Ms. Robinson!

My ideal date was one who could give me an orgasm and start his car at the same moment.

Even as a young woman, I dreaded growing older with every year. I spent my thirtieth birthday (and every subsequent natal celebration that ended in a zero) alone in bed with the covers over my head and the drapes drawn. It's not that I'm shallow, but living the high life in Hollywood's celebrity society is a constant Iron Woman race against Time, with glamour nipping at your heels like a pit bull with a taste for Stuart Weitzman mules. Being pretty-or even beautiful-could never be good enough. One had to be on the cutting edge of fashion, have an encyclopedic knowledge of who was who, who was hot and, most importantly, who was on the way out.

It was stressful in a superficial sort of way, but I thrived on it because I had perfected being the celebrity wife. My clothes were outstanding yet not overstated; my dinners were well thought out and flawlessly executed, whether for two or twenty. Believe me, it's work to keep a dinner conversation going among twelve people who only want to talk about themselves.

I don't want to sound bitter, because we had some good times along the way, but there were other times I sat in the bathtub for hours, running more and more water, not to create more foam with the Giorgio bath gel, but trying to drown my unhappiness. I think the pain was sharpest when I realized that what I was feeling was loneliness.

And that was when I was still married to my husband, David Steinberg, before he dumped me for a fortyish casting agent who wrote a book called How I Survived My Boyfriend's Divorce. After that, my life became about surviving my husband's girlfriend's book and learning to live life on the skids of sidelined celebrity. I was dropped like a hot potato by all except a few old friends who were amazed that it lasted twenty-four years.

Then came the drama of entering the singles scene later in life. What a cruel awakening!

It was not the scene I had left behind at thirty. I felt like a fish out of water, flopping about and gasping for oxygen. It was not an experience for the faint of heart.

One bleak afternoon as I wallowed in the deep, dark abyss of menopause, I caught Cybill Shepherd on The Oprah Winfrey Show discussing her menopausal experience. She said something I found quite inspiring that changed my whole outlook (with a little help from hormone replacement). She said that any woman over fifty who has a body part that still looks good should be flaunting it every day. Her attitude made such an impression on me! She seemed so free and unencumbered, so alluring and sexy-what a dynamic presentation!

Around that time my husband and I were working with a female divorce mediator, which turned out to be fortuitous. Most of the meetings took place at my house, and she told me she was quite enamored of my decorating style. She decided to make it her mission to turn me into a professional interior decorator. With her relentless support and encouragement, I started my own business.

Slowly, I started to regain my bearings and equilibrium. As I began to work with clients and fulfill their expectations, I also began to realize my own goals. I had a renewed self-esteem and confidence, and soon a new hair color. Not long after, there was the occasional date. Within months, my business was flourishing and I was going out nearly every night.

To my surprise, I realized I was happier than I'd been in a long time. I had risen up like the phoenix, but little did I know I was about to be struck down again.

I had just turned sixty, even though I knew I didn't look it, when I wandered into a street fair in the upscale southern California neighborhood of Brentwood. As I strolled through the array of kiosks and booths a woman began frantically waving her arms in my direction.

"You! Come here!" she shouted.

Curious, I strolled toward her.

If God didn't want us to wear high heels, she wouldn't have made our legs look so good in them.

"Are you married?" she asked excitedly. I shook my head and she shoved a piece of paper under my nose. "I have got so many men," she cooed, "that would die to go out with you!" Now I realized she was running a booth for a dating service. "You're absolutely gorgeous! I'll have you married by the end of the year, I promise."

I was so pumped up by her pitch that I was already planning what designer would do my wedding gown.

"Let's get going," she squealed, pressing a pencil into my hand. "Wait 'til you see how many wealthy bachelors I have for you!" I was mentally choosing my bridesmaids when she said, "By the way, how old are you?"

Batting my baby blues, I said, "Sixty."

The enthusiasm drained from her face, and she snatched the paper from my hand as if taking matches from a toddler.

"I can't help you," she said icily, taking back her pencil as well. "You're too old."

My self-esteem deflated like leaky balloon. Dazed, I wandered through the crowd with her words echoing in my head so loudly I was sure everyone else could hear them, too-"You're too old, you're too old, too old, old, old, old. . . ."

By the time I reached my car I was fighting back tears. I felt obsolete and invisible, as if I didn't deserve love or even happiness. Too old, old, old . . .

Then I got mad. Wait a minute, I thought, I haven't even peaked yet! And how many other women have been made to feel this way-even by members of their own sex? I knew then that I would make certain that this second part of my life would be just as fabulous-if not more so-as the first part.

This is no longer the world that Helen Gurley Brown described to us in her 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl. We believed the little mouseburger when she told us that being single was bliss. Perhaps so, but these days it's quite a bit more complicated and sometimes it's downright frightening. The world has changed and so has a woman's role in society. Women know a lot more now, but we need every iota of that knowledge to survive, and we need to share what we've learned.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that once you're over the hill it's time to start picking up speed. You needn't give up everything that you once considered fun (including sex) just because you've hit another age marker. I realized that while life might not exactly begin at fifty, it most certainly doesn't come to a screeching halt-unless you let it. The sixty-year-old woman is still a viable force in today's world. She works, she dates, she is sexual, she is chic, and she is dynamic. It's not about being "beautiful" in the classic sense. Although it sounds like a cliché, it's about being beautiful inside. And that's all about being comfortable and confident in your own skin, being clear about who you are and what you want.

I made up my mind to share my wisdom and experience with other single women who have fallen victim to age discrimination in the most personal and devastating ways. I decided to write this book, and I knew the perfect collaborator. I first met Raechel Donahue in 1969. She was the embodiment of the woman of the times, a perfect combination of elegance and funk. Widowed in 1975, Raechel remained successfully single, gracefully breezing through romances and media careers. She was still a sexy dynamo in her fifties and I couldn't think of a better writing partner. We pooled our forty years of single life so that we could make yours more fun.

So kick off those practical shoes and get ready for what could easily become the best time of your life. You don't need a rocking chair. You just need to rock!

This book is to help you do just that. Older women need to know that they can still be glamorous, sensational, and sexy. They just need to know The Ropes.

Copyright © 2005 by Judy Steinberg. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced without permission.

About the Author

Judy Steinberg was married to comedian/filmmaker David Steinberg and has spent the last forty years of her life living and working among some of the great comedy minds of two generations. She lives in New York City.

Raechel Donahue is the author of The Golden Rules for Modern Romance and The Golden Rules for Modern Etiquette. A popular radio personality, she has a national weekend show broadcast by the Jones Satellite Radio Network and is the nightly host of the syndicated "Moonlight Groove Highway." She lives in Cleveland, Ohio, and Venice Beach, California.