Dirt Detective Aggie's Most Unwanted Grime File

How Clean Is Your House? Hundreds of Handy Tips to Make Your Home Sparkle
by Kim Woodburn, Aggie MacKenzie

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"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. It is simply a matter of not losing one's nerve."

—Quentin Crisp

We lost count of the number of people who repeated this famous quote to us when we visited their filthy, dirty homes.

The truth is that if you are a filth offender there are plenty of pests that will very happily come and live with you in your squalor. They spread bacteria and germs that can cause poisoning, allergies and illness- such as salmonella, asthma and dysentery.

Using my dirt detective sample bags and swabs I apprehended plenty of villains lurking in the grime scenes we inspected. If you find your home overrun with any of these pests you know it's time to get cleaning.

Dust mites

Modern, warm, humid homes provide ideal conditions for dust mites. They especially love living in our beds, which are warm and moist.

They feed on flakes of human skin- of we each shed about 1 gram every day. They go to the toilet often and their feces contain harmful enzymes.

Up to 30 percent of the population suffers from asthma, eczema, bronchitis or itchy eyes caused by dust mite feces.

Fortunately dust mites can only be seen under the microscope-if you could see the ugly brutes with the naked eye you'd never go to bed.

To keep the dust mite population under control in your home, you'll need to clean.

Vacuum regularly to remove dust mite food-your skin flakes.

Dust with damp cloths to avoid making dust airborne.

Air your house and bed daily.

Launder your sheets once a week in a 140° F wash. Wash your duvet and pillows regularly.

Turn your mattress periodically and replace at the end of the guarantee.

Flies

These really are drawn to filth offenders. They love living in a dump. They're not fussy where or what they land in before touching down on your food.

They have to liquefy solid food with their saliva before they can eat it.

Flies spread bacteria that cause diarrhea, dysentery, typhoid and cholera. It has been calculated they carry up to 2 million bacteria on their bodies.

Flies are fast breeders. Females lay several batches of 150 eggs at a time. The eggs hatch in 24 hours, and larvae feed on rotting organic matter.

Flies don't like clean homes.

Deny them access to food-don't leave scraps out anywhere.

Don't allow access to rotting fruit or vegetables.

Don't leave defrosting food uncovered.

Use trash cans with tight-fitting lids-flies like to lay their eggs in rubbish.

Wipe down surfaces with clean cloths before food preparation.

Rodents (rats and mice)

Rodents play host to parasites that spread diseases such as salmonella, meningitis, encephalitis and tapeworms. In the 14th century rats spread bubonic plague, killing half the population of Europe.

Mice will eat anything and can survive on the smallest scraps of food.

Mice are incontinent; they urinate constantly and produce around 80 droppings a day. Rats' urine contains microorganisms that cause serious illness in humans.

Mice breed very quickly. One pair and their progeny can produce 200 offspring a year. Rodents are best controlled by good housekeeping.

Nonrefrigerated food should be stored in closed jars or sealed plastic storage bins. Scraps of food dropped on floors and surfaces must be cleaned up.

Pet-food bowls should be emptied and cleaned after eating.

Rodent infestations are hard to shift and require professional help.

Fleas and bed bugs

These pests bite! They have piercing, sucking mouthparts. They can cause medical problems-flea allergy, tapeworms and anemia.

Fleas are excellent jumpers, leaping up to 18 inches vertically and 12 inches horizontally.

Normally after a blood meal the female flea can lay 20 eggs, which hatch in two days.

Vacuum regularly-this removes eggs and fleas. Put a pet flea collar in the vacuum cleaner bag, and change the bag regularly.

Treat pets, and the home if necessary, with regulatory products that stop flea larvae from becoming adults.

Avoid using secondhand bedding and mattresses, which may contain bed bugs. Secondhand furniture may also harbor fleas and bugs.

There are two main types: carpet beetles and clothes moths. Females lay up to 100 eggs, which can hatch in eight days.

If you have a problem with these, it will usually indicate a dirty home.

Textile pests feed on animal fibers like wool, fur, feathers and silk.

It's the larvae that do the munching. They like their textiles dirty; they need the grime, sweat and urine too. They leave a trail of destruction as they munch through carpets, clothes, rugs and upholstery.

Regular vacuuming and laundering are the best weapons-removing their food, e.g., hair, lint and crumbs, as well as larvae and eggs.

Steam-cleaning carpets and rugs will help kill carpet beetle larvae.

Don't leave dirty clothes to fester in cupboards. Launder first.

When storing clothes ensure they are freshly laundered and pack with mothballs or cinnamon sticks and cloves to deter moths.

Pantry pests

These are mainly beetles that live on stored foods with low moisture content, such as flour, biscuits, cereals, nuts, and dried pasta.

They lay their eggs in the food. When the larvae hatch they tunnel through the food, build a cocoon and pupate. They can penetrate paper, cardboard and cellophane packaging.

Never leave open packets in your cupboards. Keep foods in airtight glass, metal or heavy plastic containers. Use older batches of food first. Don't buy more food than you can reasonably use.

Vacuum the corners of cupboards to remove insect eggs and webbing, then wipe and dry. Check drawers where you keep baking utensils.

Textile pests

There are two main types: carpet beetles and clothes moths. Females lay up to 100 eggs, which can hatch in eight days.

If you have a problem with these, it will usually indicate a dirty home.

Textile pests feed on animal fibers like wool, fur, feathers and silk.

It's the larvae that do the munching. They like their textiles dirty; they need the grime, sweat and urine too. They leave a trail of destruction as they munch through carpets, clothes, rugs and upholstery.

Regular vacuuming and laundering are the best weapons-removing their food, e.g., hair, lint and crumbs, as well as larvae and eggs.

Steam-cleaning carpets and rugs will help kill carpet beetle larvae.

Don't leave dirty clothes to fester in cupboards. Launder first.

When storing clothes ensure they are freshly laundered and pack with mothballs or cinnamon sticks and cloves to deter moths.

Now that you've discovered just what you can end up sharing your home with, it's time to start cleaning! How clean is your routine?

Until well past the middle of the last century housework was a daily routine that dictated what jobs were done on each day of the week. Monday was washday, and women would all race to get their washing onto the line. Chimneys were still in use then, and washing left to dry outside would often become soiled with coal smuts and would have to be done again. Ironing would be done on Tuesday, and during the evening clothes would be mended and socks darned. On the other days women would clean. Every day the front step would be scrubbed and the water sloshed across the pavement to keep the dirt from coming in. Your neighbors expected all the water to be "joined up," otherwise they would gossip about your slovenly ways. Shopping would be reserved for the day the wages were brought home in a brown waxy envelope, usually Friday or Saturday. Baking would be done on Saturday, and Sunday was a day of rest, although there would usually be a roast dinner to prepare and cook.

Spring-cleaning was necessary because people heated their homes with open coal fires, lit them with gas lamps and burned candles. The soot and dust had to be cleaned away once the days lengthened, the fires went out and the sun showed up the dirt. For many people this routine continued until at least the 1960s.

Homes lacked the marvelous gadgets we have today. A whistling kettle was considered a great novelty! Carpets were brushed or beaten, driving up clouds of dust. Laundry was done in the sink and put through the wringer to squeeze out the water. Dishes were always washed by hand, and in the days before fridges and freezers shopping was a far more frequent chore.

When you consider how time-consuming running a home was in the last century, you really have no excuse not to be able to keep up now, even though both men and women tend to go out to work. Haven't things changed! There are many labor-saving devices our predecessors would have given their right arm for. We have vacuum cleaners, washing machines, tumble dryers, dishwashers, enormous fridges and freezers, microwaves, duvets (rarely sheets and blankets) and a dazzling array of products designed to tackle every task.

A tidy home is a clean home

Cleaning will always be easier if you are tidy and put things back each time they are used. Become a gatherer! Pick things up as you go, returning them to their proper place. Keep a little basket by the stairs-don't make unnecessary trips. Get into the habit of scooping things up before bedtime, collecting mugs, glasses, ashtrays, papers and mail; give the cushions a bang and everything will be shipshape for the morning. Who wants to be confronted at the start of a new day with yesterday's filth?

We're all hoarders to some degree. If your cupboards and drawers are so crammed full that you are short of storage space and cannot find a permanent home for things, then you need to clear out and dispose of the items you no longer need or use. Your home will be much more comfortable and run more efficiently if things are put away. You will also have the added advantage of being able to locate what you need quickly, without the frustration of searching through endless piles of things. Once clutter is removed you can keep the surfaces clean and healthy.

Do a little bit each day

Some people cannot relax until every last chore is done; others just can't seem to get started, or don't know where to start. We're making a lot of excuses for ourselves about why we don't have time around the home.

Tidy as you go: a quick flick here and there with a duster-don't let it build up, dear-you make life easy or you make life hard, and we know which we prefer. Keep on top of the laundry, restore order in the kitchen after every meal, a quick run around the center of each room with the vacuum, and you'll be keeping a lovely, happy home. If others don't or won't help, don't scream and give yourself a headache-if they want to wallow in their own dirt, let them get on with it!

Daily Routines

If you try to do the following little tasks every day they will soon become second nature, and you won't even notice you're doing them. A couple of minutes here, a few seconds there, and you'll soon wonder what all the fuss was about.

Pull back the bedcovers to air while you shower and have breakfast. Open the window: this will reduce humidity and limit the number of dust mites.

Keep the kitchen clean and tidy. Wash up after each meal, and keep surfaces clean.

Change dishcloths and tea towels daily.

Vacuum or sweep the kitchen floor.

Keep sinks clean and hand towels fresh.

Keep toilets scrupulously clean.

Return things to their place so clutter doesn't build up.

Consider nominating days for laundry: e.g., Saturday for bedlinen, Monday for towels, Tuesday for coloreds, Thursday for whites. Hang laundry up to dry to make ironing easier.

Weekly Routines

Of course there are some jobs you don't need to do every day. That doesn't mean you have to save them all up for a mammoth cleaning blitz at the end of the week. Oh please, get a system or you'll be in one heck of a mess. Do a couple of these things along with your daily routine and you'll never spend a whole day cleaning again.

Change the bedlinen (twice weekly is best in hot weather).

Change bath and shower towels two or three times weekly.

Vacuum carpets and floors.

Wash or mop all hard floors.

Dust the surfaces (if you're pressed for time, dusting will always wait-dust doesn't smell but toilets always do).

Wipe fingerprints from door handles and light switches (do this as you go around; it only takes a second and keeps germs away).

Thoroughly clean the bathroom: toilet, sink, shower, tiles, toothbrush holders, mirrors and floor.

Attend to the areas of the kitchen not covered by daily routines: wipe cupboard doors, splashbacks, oven, microwave, fridge, windows and rinse and disinfect trash cans.

Iron the laundry.

Monthly Routines

Now don't go thinking we've gone all obsessive here, dear. This isn't about getting down the calendar and marking off great lists of tasks on the first of each month. These are just the little extra things. It would be daft to do them every day or week, why waste your time? But every now and again your home will be cleaner if you tick off some of these extra things. Do you know what I do? I love watching television, but some nights I have a look and I think, "Well, there's nothing on." So I think to myself, "I'll just go and clean a room I haven't done for a while." Try it-come the end of the evening you feel so good that you haven't wasted your time watching a load of rubbish-and you've got a lovely clean room.

Clean windows, inside and out.

Launder under bedding, mattress covers and pillow protectors.

Turn mattresses (at least every other month).

Sort through cupboards and drawers regularly, discarding things you don't use.

Vacuum areas you normally neglect-under the bed, curtains, cobwebs in high corners.

Clean lamps and lampshades.

Polish wooden furniture.

Polish mirrors, including frames.

Wax floors after washing them.

Thoroughly clean inside the oven.

Dust blinds, door tops and picture rails.

Spring-cleaning (and autumn-cleaning)

You know, it sounds old-fashioned, but many people still spring-clean. In the old days they used to wash everything-yes, everything. Empty all the drawers and cupboards, pull out all the furniture, take down all the curtains, wash all the floors and rugs and scrub down the paintwork. Perhaps people today don't go to quite these lengths, but as the days lengthen, the windows get opened and the sun streams in we start to see the dust and dirt that has been hidden all winter. So give your home a treat. If a home is clean, slavery is over!

Wash blankets, duvets and pillows.

Change seasonal clothing in wardrobes and pack away clothes not in use.

Items you have not worn for over two years should be parted with.

Clean the walls, ceilings and floors.

Vacuum books, CDs, videos and shelves.

Clean underneath heavy furniture and electrical appliances.

Shampoo carpets and upholstery.

Launder or dry-clean curtains and bedcovers.

Discard items or appliances that are broken or no longer in use.

Inspect garages, basements, lofts and sheds. Spring is a marvelous time to freshen up these areas for the summer-after all, that's where the junk tends to get left, now isn't it?

Deep-cleaning-if you are starting from scratch

If you do it little and often your home will never get out of control. However, there are times when you may find yourself inheriting someone else's dirt. You might move into rented accommodation, or buy a new home where the cleanliness leaves a lot to be desired. You might need to help an elderly or unwell relative restore order when through no fault of their own things have slipped out of control. Here is an action plan to launch an assault on the scale we needed for How Clean Is Your House?

Start at the top of the house and work down.

Clean top to bottom of every room.

Bedrooms, studies and reception rooms first.

Ceilings, walls, curtains, floors. Pull out all furniture and appliances and clean behind and underneath.

Wet first-washing paintwork, windows, laundering, shampooing.

Dry next-dusting, polishing, waxing.

Vacuuming last-removing all traces of dust and debris.

These rooms last-bathrooms, kitchens and utility rooms. As you clean through the home you will be replenishing your buckets, cloths, dusters and mops as you remove the dirt from elsewhere, so save these rooms until last.

Finally-attack the porch, hallway, garage, cellar, loft.

Treat yourself, dear!

When all the cleaning is done I like nothing better than to sit down with a long cool glass of sparkling water. You're usually pretty warm, so it's nice to have that cold drink. I find it very refreshing. Then I think to myself, well, that's all done, I'll have a bit of time off now. I'll sit and rub my kitty Daisy's tummy and she's very happy, and so am I.

Copyright © 2004 by Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced without permission.

About the Author

Kim Woodburn and Aggie MacKenzie are the stars of the hit television show How Clean is Your House? (seen on Lifetime Television). Before she became a celebrity, Kim worked as a professional live-in cleaning lady for a sheikh in Kent.

Aggie MacKenzie is the star of the hit television show How Clean is Your House?. Before she became a celebrity, Aggie was an associate editor for Good Housekeeping.