Are You Relationship Ready?

The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating
by Judsen Culbreth

Before you even think about browsing all those dating sites, find out whether you're psychologically prepared to embark on a new relationship. Take this quick quiz.

1. My past relationships, though painful at times, have taught me to be more caring and accepting.	True	False
2. Men are a lot of fun to be with.	True	False
3. I'm a lot of fun to be with.	True	False
4. An intimate and loving relationship is a top priority for me.	True	False
5. I believe I can shape my future.	True	False
6. Men are so irresponsible. Frankly, I don't know why I'm bothering to look for one.	True	False
7. I'm looking for a man to make me happy.	True	False
8. Love is destiny. If a relationship is meant to be, the right man will find me.	True	False
9. I can take or leave sex.	True	False
10. Shopping and dining at a good restaurant are two of my favorite activities.	True	False

Scoring: If you answered "true" to questions 1 through 5 and "false" to 6 through 10, you're ripe for love. You've learned a lot from your life experiences. You have a joyful, vibrant, can-do way of thinking, and you're open to sharing with a like-minded, intimate partner. Breeze through this chapter to fine-tune your potential. Did you miss a few answers? You may want to reflect on your feelings about men and rev up your enthusiasm. This chapter will help you feel organized, in control, and headed for a good thing. It's your crash course in relationship-readiness.

WHAT IS READY?

Readiness is all about attitude, about being emotionally prepared to date. Do you match this formula?

R: Recovered from the past, hopeful about the future
E: Engaged in activities that make you fun and interesting to be with
A: Accepting attitude toward men
D: Destined for love because you believe you can shape your destiny
Y: Yearning to connect and communicate with a loving and nurturing partner who respects your values, shares your interests, and wants a close relationship

If this doesn't describe you, let's get you READY.

Recovered from the Past

I've been there. There—where you're hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, and, most of all, alone.

I remember exactly when I moved from there to here. At the time, simple, everyday tasks overwhelmed my ability to cope. One of the most frustrating was gathering quarters for the laundry machines in my co-op's basement. I never could get to the bank before it closed, so I spent the week asking for change from cranky store clerks. In one store I braced myself for the usual "I can only give you four quarters," when, instead, a woman smiled and said, "I'll give you all that you need."

I'm sure she was an angel in disguise, because she had the words to comfort me and help me examine my life in a way I never had before. What all did I need? What would it take to feel abundantly whole? What did I need to do and know so I would stop repeating the same old mistakes?

The first thing I had to do was clear my heart. I realized I was a score-keeper—an unfair one at that. Some days, the unarticulated rules for getting along with me revolved around romance. Points were deducted for any perceived waning attentiveness and ardor. An imperceptible mood switch later, and the score hedged on household helpfulness. ("If you loved me," according to this game, "you should be able to remember to bring home tall kitchen garbage bags with handles. They were on the list!") I called my mate on everything. I couldn't let anything go. Disappointments accrued like back taxes. They were cumulative and compounded, neither forgotten nor forgiven.

I didn't want to bring this grouchy taskmaster, with her indiscernible playbook and unpardonable scoring system, into a new relationship. I ceased tallying my hurts and examined ways I'd been hurtful myself— inattentive, critical, unresponsive, and self-righteous. As soon as I owned up to my own faults, admitted my own poor performance and responsibility in my choices, actions, and attitude, I felt free of the power of the past. I was open to the new and eager to learn.

Be an angel to yourself. Examine the past, and then release it. Tear up the scorecard and start fresh. If you don't, the legacy will seep out in big and little ways—in unappealing sarcasm, defensiveness, sadness, brittle-ness, criticism, or control. Let go to make space for positive feelings and behavior. (More below and in chapter 2.)

A WIDOW GETS READY "Dating is a very different experience for a widow," says my sister, Becky Cochran, whose husband died unexpectedly eight years ago at age 47. "When you're going through a divorce, some part of you is happy to be out of the marriage. Not me. I miss so much about my marriage to Jim. It's a loss that will never end. "Friends who urged me to date early on didn't understand that for me moving on meant leaving behind. It's just very hard to find the will to replace someone you adored. My youngest son was the one who gave me the push I needed. I asked him to come with me to a neighborhood wiener roast. He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. 'Mom,' he said, 'it's time you dated.'" As she tests the waters of dating, Becky has already found benefits she enjoys: "I'm happy when I'm not the odd place at a dinner party, and I had really missed male company. It took a while, but I'm looking forward to finding the right companion."

Engaged in Fun Activities

If you answered "true" to question 10, it's time to branch out. A range of interests and recreational activities (beyond shopping) will add pep to your life. You'll feel energized and more fulfilled. You'll lose the desperate feeling that you need a man to make you happy, because you'll be happier with yourself.

Even if you're already involved in a number of pursuits, consider adding something new. Psychologists say that familiar routines keep us locked into roles and attitudes. Mixing things up can be like a vacation from your old self, a chance to renew and replenish. Activities that excite you give life value, suggests Robert Firestone, Ph.D., in his book The Fantasy Bond. According to a survey by the Yankelovich Monitor, 67 percent of Boomers would welcome more novelty and change into their lives.

There's also an ulterior motive. Online daters are attracted to those who are enthusiastic and have a sense of playfulness. The more ways you know how to have fun, the better your chances of meeting someone.

To improve your odds even more, try a sport men enjoy (see "Top 10 Matchmaking Activities" on page 209). I can't emphasize enough the value of companionship. For example, in a survey conducted for the book Love at Second Sight, by Nancy W Collins and Mason Grigsby, 400 single men over age 50 rated "common interests" higher than "attractiveness" as the top desired quality in a partner.

SOMETHING FOR THE MIND Some social scientists say midlife adults should be called "zoomers" instead of Boomers, given the preoccupation with youthfulness and the penchant to play hard. In one study, Boomers say they consider age 79 to be old. As long as there's a zest for living and a desire to grow, the feeling seems to be that time doesn't register. Over three-quarters of the zippy bunch say they feel the need to get more pleasure out of life, according to Yankelovich, and that means going all out for both physical and intellectual activities. Along with sports like golf, exercise walking, or bowling (see appendix), Boomers pursue challenges that help them learn, explore creative outlets, and find excitement. If you're thinking of branching out and trying something new, consider learning a different language, craft, or hobby, such as pottery or photography, or how to cook an exotic cuisine. Join a painting class; take up an instrument; find acting or choral groups. You can also just appreciate the arts: bone up on opera, jazz, or the blues; attend museum shows, gallery openings, and art or music festivals. Get outside: take a nature, astronomy, or gardening course; learn how to show dogs or spot birds, whales, or moose. Be a ringside fan: head to golf, fishing, and tennis tournaments; basketball, baseball, and football games; auto races and marathons. Take a tour of historic, cultural, and ethnic sites; check out parks, vineyards, and gardens. Give something back by volunteering at church or the hospital, or for a political candidate. Or be a little wicked and play the slots or Texas hold 'em. When you travel, as Boomers often do, take advantage of excursions and learn-as-you-go opportunities. Your life can be a continuing adventure. Be one of the zoomers that never gives in to age and atrophy. You'll feel happier with yourself, and you'll come across as a happier person. In the following chapters, you'll also see how a richness of activities adds to your profile, questionnaire, and e-mails. It's an added advantage to describe the details of an interesting life.

Accepting Attitude toward Men

My first husband, in one of his parting shots, accused me of not liking men. I protested vehemently: "Of course I like men. I've had boyfriends since I was ten years old!"

During my period of self-reflection, however, I realized he had my number. Wanting to be with a man is not the same as liking men.

My background made it easy to be biased. I grew up in a family of five girls, with a sweet, loving mother and a charming, difficult father. As you'd suspect, I had a very typical mindset. I idealized my mother and felt my father—and men in general—were domineering and irresponsible.

When I entered the workplace, I again saturated my life with a feminine focus. For 30 years I worked for women's magazines with almost all female staffs. Every month I helped brainstorm and churn out articles on how to improve or cope with men who were incompetent in emotional and personal matters. The prejudices thickened, although they weren't as obvious to me then as they are in retrospect.

As I battled with myself over that tough question of what all did I need, the first thing I had to acknowledge was that I needed a man. I had a dream job and wonderful children, family, and friends. My life was spiritually rich, physically and intellectually robust. But I needed warmth, affection, and sexual intimacy. I wanted a mate.

Locating my desire was important, but I was still not answering the other big question—did I like men? I wrestled some more and surprised myself with the answer: I liked men, but I was jealous of their power and of their fun.

For example, when my first husband would play golf, I'd stay home with the kids, doing errands or cleaning up. I felt morally superior because I was in my "good girl" role, but I also felt weak. My smugness and envy made me chip away at his pleasure—nobody's having fun in this house, buster!

I discovered, as I talked to parents in the workshops I conduct, that I was not alone in my ever-cranky haughty attitude about domestic duties, which is at the core of so much anger directed at men.

One workshop participant, her husband sheepishly beside her, huffed: "He expects applause if he changes the baby's diaper. One day I confronted him, 'How do you think the diapers, wipes, ointment, and sanitized garbage pail got there—the diaper fairy? I have to think of everything. You barely have a clue.'"

There was a lot of truth in her statement, though I doubt it did much to encourage her husband to offer any help ever again.

When it comes to the home front, women usually do have to think of everything. That's how we're wired. A division of labor and specialization in tasks—sexual dimorphism—began about three million years ago, give or take a millennium. Males picked the outdoorsy, physically challenging, dangerous yet stimulating work. Females stuck closer to home, concentrating on gathering food and caring for children. It was a plan.

Jump ahead to the 1970s, when a majority of mothers became equal partners in the outer world of work. One gender now held down an outside job while still gathering food (albeit at the grocery store), managing the household, and caring for the children. The other gender was not as quick to jump in and share a partner's duties. (According to a 2004 study by the Labor Department, men put in half the time mothers do on child care activities and an hour per day less on housework.) Nor were men who agreed to help a mate always that skillful at it. Even when they wanted to pitch in, some bungled shopping lists, shrank the laundry, or failed to anticipate that children need regular meals, baths, and bedtimes.

BEWARE OF BASHING Do you chuckle when you see commercials that portray men as jerks? Read books with titles like Why Dogs Are Better Than Men? Perhaps you commiserate with women friends: Gee, guys are so ...    a. undependable    b. unfaithful    c. unfathomable Remember the rules from math class: positive times positive equals positive; positive times negative equals negative. Any bit of negative in the equation overrides the positive. Steer clear of stereotypes that color your attitude. One unsuccessful dater I spoke with, for example, explained her poor luck by saying, "All guys really want is someone to cook and clean for them. That's not my thing." I'm sure the real reason for her lack of a match was that men could sense her dislike. Men and women are different. Indeed, writes Matt Ridley in The Red Queen, "mankind may be the mammal with the greatest division of sexual labor and the greatest division of mental differences between the sexes." Once you buy into the truth that the dissimilarities are hard-wired, and not personality quirks designed to raise your ire, you can learn to love the nature of the beast. Your female ancestors selected mates for their power, courage, and strong egos. So blame them, not him, if he wants to watch or play sports (aggressive substitutes) rather often and would rather poke needles in his eye than clean the toilet. Let go of what you're not getting—a feminine sidekick. Instead, embrace maleness for its boldness, its love of fun and excitement—characteristics you may do well to borrow for yourself.

"When my wife has to travel, the household routine unravels," one such fellow confessed in one of my workshop groups. "The kids start whining and say, 'Aren't you going to make dinner?' Then it dawns on me, 'That's right. They need to be fed.' I have a momentary panic before I check the refrigerator. Sure enough, my wife has prepared something that I just have to stick in the oven."

After talking to thousands of fuming women and confused men, and from my own hard-won experience, I see a way to a truce in the battle of the sexes. Perhaps these tips can help you defuse some of the stored-up resentment that may block you from liking men.

First, get over yourself. It's a marvel that a woman can keep track of and handle so much minutia. Your millions-of-years-old DNA legacy (nature) and decades of nurture (I'll just bet you played with dolls, not trucks) prepared you to be an amazing multitasking wonder. Organizing the kids and planning a weekly menu are easier for your brain to process because of your innate makeup and conditioning. You should be proud of your talent for the domestic—and the skill with which you apply it. It does not make you the superior being, however. So if you—like I once did—think, rather pompously, that tackling the traditional women's work earns special Brownie points for you, while not doing so rates a guy a spot in the lowest ring of hell, you may want to adjust the attitude.

Second, promise never to argue over who cleans the toilet bowl. I sometimes believe most conflicts between the sexes start with this sticking point. It's the front line of modern-day relationship turf battles. There are dozens of products, from little blue bowl cleaners to disposable brushes that make this an easy hands-off task. Trade the scrub work for a promise to change all future flat tires, or come up with another compromise. But don't turn it into an ego-deflating issue. It's not worth the collateral damage.

Next, reduce your rumination. Women spend much more time than men do in pointless thinking, either reviewing the past ("Where did I go wrong?") or worrying about the future ("Will I ever lose weight?"). It's like stepping on the accelerator with the car in park, using a lot of energy but getting nowhere. Rumination also elevates levels of the hormone cortisol, which increases stress.

The brain much prefers to be actively engaged—engrossed in figuring out a crossword puzzle, for example—or quietly contemplative, as when you meditate or chant.

Health and peace of mind improve without all that worthless pondering. Relationships even more so. Because once you get bored with self-blame, remorse, and negative personal projections, your thoughts naturally turn to ... him! "Why does he always do that? How come I can't count on him? Why doesn't he make me happier?" And on and on.

He, meanwhile, is sandbagged. "Where did this dissonance come from?" he might wonder. "Honey, have you been ruminating again?" (though he might not use these words).

Self-knowledge is wisdom, but beware as soon as it becomes brooding. Then it's a case of self-flagellation, which is likely to end in beating up on a partner. Stop mulling and move on. Read a juicy novel, play cards, call your best friend. Keep your mind busy so that you don't turn on yourself or him.

PRIMARY RESEARCH ON MEN Have you been living in a world of women? Would you like to discover the land of men? The best way to explore this different territory is to learn from the natives themselves. Listening to men—as opposed to hearing what girlfriends, your mother, your therapist, or the media have to say about them— helps you to understand the real nuances of their thoughts and feelings, keep up with their deepest concerns and interests, and get their jokes like an insider. Going to the source opens new levels of communication, intimacy, and appreciation. One of the best places to start hearing true male patter is the Imus in the Morning radio show. I have to admit that when I first heard the program, while driving with Walter, I couldn't believe that Don Imus, who seemed pompous, could be so popular with men. Then, as I got used to the banter between Imus and regulars Charles, Bernie, and Sid, I converted to a fan. (I still think Sid's a chauvinistic moron—that's kind of his distinction—but the other guys pound him for it. Bernie literally beat him up once.) What I've come to appreciate from the show, also seen on MSNBC, is how straightforward, loyal (depending on the mood), and funny men can be. If you want to know what guys think, feel, ridicule, and revere, here's your psychological sample. And if you call me a sucking-up weasel, you'll sound just like Imus. Here's another way to learn about men and keep up with their interests. How much of ESPN Outdoors or Outdoor Life Network (OLN) do you watch? One of our TV sets stays tuned to those channels. Every time I pass through the room, I glimpse an unsuspecting wild turkey being called to its death. (I much prefer the weekend show in which fish get kissed and released.) Still, thanks to ESPN Outdoors and OLN, I'm fairly conversant now in the blood sports. Why, you might be thinking, would I want to talk about hunting and fishing? Because I enjoy understanding the enthusiasms of my second husband, Walter. I like to stay abreast of all his passions, the same way he makes an effort to keep up with mine. I also tune into sports radio. Mike and the Mad Dog keep me current on the burning controversies of the day, which in my area center around the Mets and the Yankees, the Giants and the Jets; to trade or not to trade; whether to blame the game results on the owner, manager, player(s), or fans. I'm sure if you substituted the name of the teams, the heated discussions on sports radio where you are would be pretty much the same. If you're really clever, you'll make Comedy Central a favorite on the remote and tape the monologues of Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Conan O'Brien. Humor scores big with the opposite sex. According to research from dating sites eHarmony.com and Match.com, after character, humor is the trait men prefer most. My point? You're not in the market for a woman friend. Your target is men. Don't get the scoop on your target from sitcoms, reality shows, or other women. Do the primary research so you can find out what tickles a man or ticks him off. At the very least you'll be able to talk turkey.

A final tip: If someone has something you want, you can be bitter— or you can try to get it for yourself. As I said, I was envious when my first husband played golf while I saddled myself with dutiful drudge work. (I could easily have arranged play dates for the kids and joined him, a strategy he suggested.) When I became single I realized my bitterness wasn't productive or attractive, so I took up the very sport that seemed to be the lightning rod for my jealousy. And it was golf, ironically, that changed my attitude and answered my questions: What do I need? Do I like men?

Out on a beautiful course, making a great shot, I felt strong and free and incredibly happy. I had never experienced such unbridled joy. So this is their secret, I thought. Men aren't stuck in self-denial. They know how to have fun and make it a priority. On the spot, I gave myself permission to enjoy. I wanted to be a good sport—generous, lighthearted, accepting, noncontrolling, full of fun. And I wanted to be a man's kind of woman, because, finally, I knew how much I liked men.

I was 50 before I figured all this out. I hope you're ahead of me on this score, or perhaps your issues are different. If, however, you find yourself generalizing about men, putting them down, or feeling frustrated because you can't control them, ask yourself the questions. Don't stop until you have acceptable answers.

Destined for Love

A woman who is used to managing her life powerfully and effectively in all other spheres can be wimpy when it comes to intimate relationships. She might be savvy enough to know that she can't wait for the perfect job to magically cross her path. She'll prepare, network, and interview to find the right spot. The same person who's proactive about her career, however, may think she can sit and wait for a special man to drop from the sky and onto her doorstep. She doesn't lift a finger to influence her personal future. Could that be you?

Don't let romantic notions get in the way of finding real romance. Keep sentiment from coloring how you view life. It has a way of making a person either wistfully wishy-washy or harshly jaded. Being realistic and optimizing your options will net you a relationship far faster than merely fantasizing about one will. Even Cinderella, the quintessential dreamy heroine, snapped to attention and worked with her fairy godmother to snag Prince Charming. The computer could be your magic wand, if you can conjure up the will to try it.

Fear may also be holding you back: "I don't know how to date. What if I fail?" Once you've read Boomers' Guide, you'll have gained confidence, and each time you go out you'll learn something new, not just about dating, but about yourself: how men react to you and what you want in a relationship. You'll discover that there are no failed dates, but you can fail yourself by not trying at all. Psychologists say that it's the things you don't do that creates the most regret.

Sometimes Boomers get engulfed in the fatigue factor—the "why bothers." These examples may ring a bell: "I'm sick of this job, but who'd hire someone my age?" "I've always wanted to travel, but never got around to it." Or the ultimate give-up-without-trying: "I just can't seem to find the right man."

When I was slogging through one of those low-energy, enervating spells, my friend Kate rescued me. She was awesome.

"I can't believe I'm listening to this," she stormed. "After all you've been through, all you've learned and accomplished, you're going to sit back and give up. I never thought you'd let yourself be defined by failure!"

It was a very effective wake-up call. Here's yours: You have too much experience to draw upon, too much potential to fulfill, to cop out just when life is getting really sweet and every day of it counts. Don't let fantasies, fears, or fatigue hold you back from the prospect of happiness. Don't make decisions on the basis of silly notions, insecurity, or inertia. You have the good sense, the courage, and the strength to shape your own love destiny.

Yearning to Connect

When I took up golf, it gave me a chance to play and talk with male friends. I figured they would have the best advice about what men wanted, and I was open to learning from them.

As I said, my first lesson was that a man makes his happiness a priority. Lesson number two was that a guy is just as concerned about the contentment of the woman in his life. He's not truly happy unless she's happy. He would like her to have as much fun as he has—if only she would. Her fulfillment and the quality of their companionship are core issues.

Then there's sex.

My second husband, Walter, came home laughing one day and told me this story. A friend from college had called him out of the blue. "Here's this guy, a hotshot lawyer, and I hadn't heard from him in twenty-five years. The first words out of his mouth were, 'Walter, are you getting any?'"

Before I liked men, that story would have annoyed me. Now it confirms for me the wonderment of men's passion. Sex is the headline story of their day, every day. Walter's pal was just very frank about it.

Man's "relentless desire for women," as Nancy Friday describes it in her book Men in Love, is their greatest compliment and their strongest need.

The writer Matt Ridley suggests that the central theme of our evolution has been sexual. In his book, The Red Queen, he writes: "Why sex? Surely there are features of human nature other than this one overexposed and troublesome procreative pastime. True enough, but reproduction is the sole goal for which human beings are designed; everything else is a means to that end. Human beings inherit tendencies to survive, to eat, to think, to speak, and so on. But above all they inherit a tendency to reproduce."

I found out what men hope for: a woman who is happy with herself and happy to be with him; a woman who, according to Dr. Firestone, "has not given up her sexuality and emotional involvement with men."

Do you yearn for a loving partner whose greatest satisfaction is your satisfaction? Someone who wants to be joyful with you, careful of your feelings, nurturing of your dreams, fulfilling of your passions? Don't say you're too old, too resigned, or too wounded to bother. You were wired for love the moment you were born. It's in your genetic makeup, passed down to you from millions of years ago, a longing that never leaves. Make it happen for yourself. Opt for a life of fun, excitement, and intimacy with a partner. Get READY for the best that's yet to be.

© 2005 by Judsen Culbreth. All rights reserved. No Part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.

About the Author

Judsen Culbreth has more than 30 years of experience in magazines and TV journalism, serving as editor-in-chief of Working Mother, executive editor of Redbook, and the first work/family contributing editor on Today. She has been seen on Lifetime, CNN, NBC Nightly News, CBS Evening News, and Dateline. She divides her time between New Jersey and Alabama.