How to Handle a Man Who Plays Parlor Games

The Commitment Cure: What to Do When You Fall for an Ambivalent Man
by Rhonda Findling

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In order for you to protect yourself from making yourself vulnerable and getting hurt by a man who plays Parlor Games the following is a list of ways to handle a Man who Plays Parlor Games

Don't Invent a Relationship

Once you've determined your man is playing Parlor Games, you must try not to read so much into what he says to you. Always remember that action speaks louder than words. Unless a man can act on his flirtation, don't let his verbal stuff carry a lot of weight.

It's essential that you protect yourself by not putting too much emotional energy into a man you're not dating or having an affair with. You have to keep the limitations of this connection in perspective. Until you've gone out on a romantic date or been in a sexual physical encounter with him, it's still strictly platonic or professional no matter how seductive he is. The bottom line is, don't invent a relationship. If you do, you'll be setting yourself up for deep disappointment and heartbreak.

Vanessa met Alan on the Internet in a chat room. Living in different parts of the country, they began sending each other long intimate e-mail letters. They spoke on the phone on only two occasions. Vanessa thought about Alan all the time and thought she had finally met the man of her dreams. She denied the fact that he never gave her his home phone number and rarely answered his cell phone. She began referring to Alan as her boyfriend when she spoke to her friends about him. To Vanessa's shock and dismay he completely disappeared after two months. When he finally contacted her, he confessed he was married and had gone back to his wife. Although Vanessa had enjoyed her brief connection with Alan, she realized this was not a real relationship, but an invented one.

Don't Idealize Him

See him as he really is. Don't put him on a pedestal and worship him. Don't delude yourself. Even if he's brilliant, understanding, charismatic, funny, warm, successful, and famous, there's something not right about him. Idealizing a man is a powerful cover-up for negative feelings that you're afraid of facing. To facilitate working through your idealization, get in touch with your negative feelings about him. Anger and rage for instance. Aren't you the least bit insulted that he doesn't want to date you or become sexually involved? What about your feelings of frustration? Confusion? Aren't you angry that he may be wasting your time? Being in touch with all of your feelings including uncomfortable ones will empower you to resolve this situation and make healthier choices.

Emily was working at her new job as a receptionist for a week when Tony, an exceptionally handsome senior advertising executive, started flirting with her. Despite his daily seductive behavior he never initiated getting together outside of work. Tired of waiting for him to make the first move, Emily asked Tony out to lunch. He turned her down explaining he was busy. Despite her disappointment Emily can't stop thinking about how handsome and charismatic he is. When she goes out on dates with men who are interested in her, Emily compares them to Tony. Idealizing Tony is preventing Emily from developing a real relationship with a man who is available and not playing Parlor Games.

Don't Stay in the Situation

What's keeping you hooked on a man who can't get it together to date you or even have an affair? Are you hoping against hope that he'll come through for you? Try looking deeper. Is he a substitute for a real relationship? Are you too lazy or too anxious to pursue a man who can offer you more? Do you have a need for some kind of drama to fill the emptiness of your life? Are you attached to painful, frustrating situations? Why are you willing to settle for so little? Why don't you think you're entitled to more?

Okay, may be he's bringing some positive aspects into your life. He's paying attention to you, offering support, helping your career, giving you advice, and bringing some excitement into your life. Keeps in mind, though, that being involved with a man who does not want a romantic relationship or even an affair can reek havoc on your self-esteem. He can make you feel unattractive, unwanted, unloved, deprived. Being attracted to someone who's continually frustrating and rejecting you is humiliating and self-defeating. So, if you want to feel better about yourself, he's not going to help you; in fact, he'll make you feel worse.

Pulling the Plug

After much contemplation you've decided not to tolerate Parlor Games anymore. So what now? Set a limit. Make a decision on how much time you'll give for the relationship to switch into the romantic dating mode. Otherwise, you could passively wait around, letting his ambivalence take over your life. When your time limit is up, you can take the following steps to be more proactive:

• Make the first move. If you want to find out once and for all if he has any capacity for taking this connection to another level, make the first move yourself. Ask him to go out for a drink, coffee, or lunch. If he turns you down or backs out of the date, then you know nothing is ever going to happen with him. He's wasting your time and definitely playing Parlor Games. At least now you know.

• Confront him. Another way of cutting to the chase is confronting him about his flirtatious, seductive behavior. However, you're taking a chance he may deny his feelings or actions. If he projects his feelings onto you, cling voraciously to your truth and reality. Don't buy into his denial. Put it back on him. Don't let him humiliate you. Stand by your guns and tell him your impression of his seductive behavior whether he's aware of it or not.

Warning: This discussion could lead to feelings of rejection and anger for either or both of you. The entire relationship could spoil and even end. So be careful with this decision. The good thing is that you'll be putting the truth out there, which will end the Parlor Games, and he could fess up to his feelings of attraction for you. The best part is you'll no longer be in limbo.

• Just end it. If you don't want to risk the chance of rejection, and you want to get out of limbo and your state of anxiety, then just end it. Consider the whole connection with him a washout, and detach without even telling him why.

Detaching from the Man Who Plays Parlor Games

You've tried everything you can to get him to come around, but he's still playing games. It's definitely time to walk away. The following tips should help you as you move onward and upward:

• Create physical distance. Don't leave your door open at the job, switch doctors, drop your class, change your circle of friends for a little while, change your coffee shop, bars, nightclubs, and so on.

• Stop participating in his seductive dance. Remember it takes two to play Parlor Games and who knows? Maybe distancing is the one thing he needs to finally bring him to his senses about how important you are to him.

• Allow yourself to grieve. Letting him go will be a loss for you because you had a connection with him. You had a fantasy of a future together, which you'll have to mourn now. You may find that it won't be as painful as you imagined because he never really was your boyfriend or lover. That's the one beneficial part of the connection never having amounted to anything.

Rose, an aspiring novelist, was in a writer's group led by Stanley, a published writing teacher whom she greatly admired. She noticed that Stanley paid more attention to her than anyone else in the group, which made Rose feel special. One evening the group went out to a bar for a drink and Stan sat down right next to Rose in a booth. He gazed deeply into her eyes and kept touching her arm when he spoke. At the end of the night he hugged her goodbye, which he didn't do with anyone else. Rose was very attracted to Stanley at this point and was hoping he'd ask her out on a date. When she went back to the writer's group it was business as usual. He acted as if nothing happened that night at the bar.

Rose came to consult with me at this time due to her ongoing frustration and disappointment with Stanley. She discussed her difficulty coping with her crush on Stanley, along with the double messages he was sending her. Because she was very sensitive to rejection, she decided that she didn't want to risk confronting Stanley or initiating a date. The whole situation was beginning to interfere with her writing and everyday life, so after much contemplation Rose decided that it was in her best interest to leave the group. She thought that if Stanley was really interested in dating her, he had her phone number and could just call her up and ask her out.

Although Rose never did hear from Stanley again, she felt much better not having to deal with his ambivalence anymore. Freed from her frustration and anxiety about Stanley, she was able to concentrate on her novel, which she quickly completed.

Rose and other women I've treated have sworn that after dealing with men who play Parlor Games, they will never let themselves get caught up in a man who's all talk and no action ever again!

© 2004 Rhonda Findling

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.