Ambivalence (am-biv-e-lens) n. 1. The existence of mixed feelings toward someone or something. Difficulty in reaching a decision.

Ambivalent Man (am-biv-e-lent man) n. Abbreviation: AM. 1. One who exhibits or feels ambivalence toward women. 2. One who plays games. He wants a relationship; he wants to break up. He's confused, mixed up, inconsistent, and unpredictable. Yet he's irresistible and easy to fall in love with . . . and almost sure to cause a broken heart.

The Commitment Cure is the first book to help women figure out what to do once they've fallen for an "AM" by helping to demystify the six types of Ambivalent Men and their characteristics. The six types are:

• The Runner
• The Man Who Plays Parlor Games
• The Casual Dater
• The Fling Man
• The Eternal Bachelor
• The Ambivalent Cyber Man

Packed with myriad helpful quizzes, advice, and personal stories of women from the trenches, The Commitment Cure helps women make smart and savvy decisions about when to stick by an AM—and when to kick him to the curb!

Chapter 2

He always seems so interested in you. Asking questions about what's going on in your life. Gazing into your eyes while he speaks. You've even noticed him checking you out on occasion when you were all dressed up. You can almost cut the chemistry between the two of you with a knife.

The only problem is nothing ever materializes from his seductive behavior. The flirting never goes anywhere. He never asks you out on a date. He's frustrating, confusing, maddening. You wonder if your dating instincts are off. No, you're reading his signals right. The problem is you're dealing with an Ambivalent Man Who Plays Parlor Games.

Who Is the Man Who Plays Parlor Games?

The Man Who Plays Parlor Games is all talk and no action. He seems like he's interested in you but can't make it to the first date.

• A male coworker who's always in your office chatting you up. You both sit together at office meetings. Rumors are circulating that the two of you are a couple. He's your office husband.

• A male professional (supervisor, mentor, teacher, or doctor) who takes a particularly strong interest in you. He goes out of his way to help you out. Boundaries are occasionally crossed. You both socialize and flirt in his professional office.

• A platonic male friend who always flirts with you but never asks you out. He's usually not involved with anyone else.

• A male cyber buddy who's intensively engaging with you on the Internet but never wants to actually meet in person.

In all these situations, the flirtatious bantering never escalates into a true romance. He hints and teases but can't seem to close the deal. Emotionally healthy men don't fuel chemistry that goes nowhere. If they're interested in something more, even if it's illicit, they will initiate some kind of romantic or sexual encounter pretty soon. They don't stay in indefinite limbo like the Man Who Plays Parlor Games.

Shari, an attractive thirty-two-year-old saleswoman, met Bob at a spiritual healing conference. He was a handsome Reiki healer and tarot card reader. After striking up a conversation, they found they had a lot in common and went out that night to dinner. When they got onto the topic of relationships, Bob disclosed that he didn't want to become physically intimate with a woman because it interfered with his spiritual work. He explained that relationships were very time-consuming and that he wanted his work to take complete priority in his life. Despite his celibacy, Shari couldn't help but notice that he was dressed very seductively in tight jeans and a sexy shirt with the top buttons undone. His muscular chest was proudly displayed. During dinner he seemed enamored with Shari, asking her personal questions while gazing deeply into her eyes. Shari felt very attracted to Bob and was thrilled when he started calling her after the conference. When they spoke on the phone Bob often called Shari "baby" as if she were his girlfriend or lover. When she mentioned getting together in person, he always came up with an explanation as to why he couldn't meet up with her. Bob was an Ambivalent Man sending Shari double messages.

What Causes His Ambivalent Behavior?

The Man Who Plays Parlor Games probably grew up with a mother who was cold, distant, and rejecting-maybe even contemptuous toward him. There's a chance he was emotionally and/or physically abused as a child. Loving someone only brings up feelings of betrayal and pain in him. He feels more comfortable and less anxious keeping a firm boundary, almost like a fortress.

However, being only human, he also craves intimacy despite his fears. So he handles his simultaneous anxiety and longing for closeness by manipulating a woman into experiencing his feelings. This process is known as projection.

Projection means attributing one's feelings, thoughts, and fantasies onto another person, because feeling these things for oneself is uncomfortable and/or causes anxiety. So when a Man Who Plays Parlor Games acts seductive and flirtatious, and you're getting turned on by his attention, that is what he feels for you, and has gotten you to struggle with the same feelings he's trying not to deal with. He doesn't act on the messages he's sending you with his behavior because he's often not in touch with his own feelings. He's confusing and makes you feel as if he's playing games.

During the course of their phone discussions Shari found out that Bob was sexually abused as a child. It appeared he had difficulty struggling with his conflicts about his sexual longings because they triggered traumatizing memories. As a result he acted out his sexual urges that he was trying not to feel by dressing seductively and calling Shari "baby." He managed to get Shari to feel desire for him, which is what he was originally feeling for her and trying to rid himself of. Now she's struggling with his projected feelings, and her own feelings of desire and frustration that the friendship isn't really going anywhere romantically.

Why Does He Act This Way?

Here are the real reasons why some men play Parlor Games:

1. He is terrified of closeness. While a Runner has the capacity to attach but can't sustain a relationship, an Man Who Plays Parlor Games can't even reach that level of intimacy. He is usually single and unattached because he's terrified of risking closeness for even a little while. He's in an awful predicament because he craves closeness and pushes it away at the same time. His ambivalence about intimacy causes him to send you mixed signals.

2. He is struggling with sexual identity issues. He may be in the process of coming out of the closet. He's trying to have a relationship with a woman, but his heart really isn't in it. Deep down he's really attracted to men but not ready to face his reality, thus the mixed messages. There are also Men Who Play Parlor Games who are ashamed of their sexuality. They long for a woman but are afraid of expressing their sexual interest. These men may be struggling with sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation or impotency.

3. He is contemptuous toward women. The most dangerous type are man is the one who gets pleasure from teasing women with a relationship knowing he's never going to ask them out. This kind of ambivalence might result from a childhood with an abusive or overly seductive mother. He most likely felt powerless growing up. He acts out now by making you feel helpless, frustrated, and rejected the way he might have felt as a boy or adolescent.

4. He is involved with another woman. Some men are truly interested in a woman they're acting seductive with, but are already involved with someone else. This type of man is not usually suffering from a traumatic childhood. He is authentically confused about whether he should pursue a relationship with a woman due to prior commitments. Unfortunately the thrills and chills of the seductive encounter is often the end of the road. Unless he leaves the woman he's already involved with, this situation can be very disappointing and frustrating for someone who is highly interested in this man.

The common thread that all Men Who Play Parlor Games share is that they are not open and honest about their feelings, which causes a woman to become confused and frustrated. Due to his lack of connection between his behavior, his thoughts, and his emotions, this type of Ambivalent Man is indeed very confusing.

© 2004 Rhonda Findling

Tags: Dating For Women, Relationship Commitment

About the Author

www.rhondafindling.com
Rhonda Findling, M.A.,C.R.C. is the author of "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" (Hyperion), "The Commitment Cure" (Adams Media) and "The Dating Cure" (Adams Media) and her debut novel "Portrait of My Desire". She is a dating coach and psychotherapist. She has been in private practice in New York for the past 20 years and consults (by telephone) with clients all over the world.