Now, any woman can dramatically increase her pleasure in lovemaking with this holistic guide to female sexuality that combines the sexual wisdom of the East with the best of Western medical research.

According to recent studies only one woman in three regularly experiences orgasm, and only 16 percent of all women are multi-orgasmic. But those numbers should substantially increase with the publication of this healing journey into female desire and sexual satisfaction.

The Multi-Orgasmic Woman brings together the wisdom and secrets of an Eastern spiritual master, Mantak Chia, the leading teacher of Taoist sexuality, and the health knowledge of a Western physician, Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D. The book draws on a profound insight from Taoist sexuality: we can live truly healthy, dynamic lives only if we connect to the source of our overall desire and vitality--that is, our sexual energy, which is a wellspring of incredible power and joy.

In these pages readers will learn how to explore their passion and their pleasure through a sexual personality quiz that will uncover exciting mysteries. Then they'll be given a series of tailor-made techniques and exercises that will increase "chi" or "life energy," and women will learn how to reach intense, prolonged, whole-body orgasms. This is a book to help all women reach their true sexual potential--and discover a more blissful and fulfilling way of living in their bodies.

Chapter 1

Who are you sexually? Our sexual selves are as colorful and varied as each of our unique personalities or fingerprints. Our sexual preferences are influenced by our past experiences, our relationships, the culture in which we live, and the biochemical reactions in our bodies. No two women share the same experience of desire or even the same orgasmic pattern. Misperceptions about the "right" way to have an orgasm and expectations about "normal libido" leave many women feeling inadequate. With this book, I want to assist you in finding your ideal sexual self. No matter who you are and no matter what your experiences have been, your body is whole and fully capable of giving and getting great pleasure just as it is. The purpose of this book is not to fit your body into someone else's experience of pleasure, but to awaken your own natural desire and energy so that you can have a fulfilling sexual life that is truly your own.

Your preferred pattern of pleasure may be to have long hours of intense lovemaking once every 2 weeks or "quickies" twice a day. Or you may practice self-cultivation (as the Taoists refer to masturbation) that is so satisfying that partnered sex is enjoyable but not absolutely necessary. There is no "right" way to be a sexual woman. The sexual personality quiz in this chapter is meant for your perusal alone, to help you explore where you are sexually and identify the sexual self that you would like to manifest.

Taking a quiz on something as subtle and ever changing as sexuality can be difficult. As one of my students pointed out, while our sexuality may be as unique as a fingerprint, it is not nearly as permanent as one! The way in which we experience desire changes throughout our lifetimes and even throughout our weeks. Think of this quiz as simply a snapshot of you at this moment. When you're able to understand who you are in the present, it is possible to take the steps toward who you want to become on your sexual journey. Not all of the responses will fit perfectly for you, so choose the one that seems closest to your truth right now.

Please do your best not to judge yourself about your responses. It is easy to imagine that you are the only person with sexual challenges, but I assure you that this is far from the truth. I spend a good deal of my medical practice talking with my patients about their particular difficulties around sexuality. As we grow and change physically and emotionally, our sexual lives will undoubtedly offer us some challenges, no matter how sexually confident or capable we feel we are. If, for example, you rarely have sex and have never had an orgasm, this is not another opportunity to feel bad about it, but rather, a chance to be proud. You are choosing to read this book and ask for some assistance with your sexuality, something that might not have come easily for you. I hope this chapter and this book will help you to get excited about the sensual world that can unfold within your body.

Take the quiz, circling the answers that most closely approximate your experience. Add the numbers of your answers and put them in the subtotal space at the end of each section. If you wish, you can put your answers on a separate piece of paper. Refer to your subtotal as you read the two discussions that follow each of the five sections. Each discussion is targeted to those who scored within a certain range for that section. I encourage you to read both discussions, however, as many things discussed in the alternate section may apply to you as well.

If you do not wish to take the quiz, please read the discussions anyway. In them, I establish the "ground rules" for lovingly supporting yourself during your sexual exploration. And remember, this quiz is a gauge and not a grade. Approach it with a sense of curiosity and without self-judgment.

Your responses to the quiz will help you identify the roadblocks that prevent you from experiencing your full pleasure. Your answers will also help me guide you to the sections of the book that will be most helpful on your journey. It might be interesting for you to take this quiz again after you have read the book and integrated some of these practices into your life. Where are you starting from now, and where might you go? The possibilities are as endless as the vast landscape of your imagination. As the Taoists say, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." So let's begin.

SEXUAL PERSONALITY QUIZ

SEXUALITY

1. How frequently do you make love with a partner or masturbate?

1. Almost never.
2. One to two times a month.
3. One to two times a week.
4. Three times a week or more.

2. Compare the frequency of your sexual experiences now (either partnered lovemaking or masturbation) to a period of your life when you felt the most sexual desire. Your sexual frequency now is:

1. Much less frequent than at the height of your desire.
2. Somewhat less frequent than at the height of your desire.
3. Almost as frequent as at the height of your desire.
4. The most frequent that it has ever been.

3. After lovemaking, what percentage of the time do you feel completely satisfied?

1. Less than 25 percent.
2. About 50 percent.
3. About 75 percent.
4. Almost 100 percent.

4. What best describes your orgasmic pattern?

1. I am never or rarely orgasmic.
2. I sometimes orgasm.
3. I usually orgasm but cannot regularly have multiple orgasms.
4. I have multiple orgasms whenever I desire them.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Sexuality: ______

SEXUALITY

If your subtotal is less than 10:

Congratulations. This book is a wonderful place to begin discovering or re-discovering your sexual pleasure. There is no perfect number of times that one needs to make love per week to be a fully satisfied sexual being. Our desire for lovemaking will change throughout our lives and depending on our daily experiences. It is possible, however, for everyone to have a vibrant level of sexual energy and desire, which is part of the fullness of our human expression, our passion for life itself. It is our passion that allows us to fully engage in the world, to do good work, and to enjoy ourselves. We can use the tools of Western psychology and health in combination with Taoist principles to find and expand our sexual energy. In order to nurture your passion, I suggest you explore in full the exercises and recommendations in chapter 2 on stoking the fire within. The Taoist exercises that teach you to identify and expand your sexual energy-the Microcosmic Orbit and the Orgasmic Upward Draw in chapter 6 and Ovarian Breathing in chapter 8-are enormously useful in increasing the fullness and presence of desire.

Lack of satisfaction with lovemaking, on the other hand, can often be due to difficulty with your partner (see "Partner Profile" on page 21) or not enough knowledge about what it is that you need for pleasure. In chapters 4 and 5, I'll discuss at length how to get to know your own body and its responses. If it's orgasm that is sometimes difficult, I reveal in chapter 5 specific techniques that have been proven to help women orgasm, either alone or with a partner. Then in chapter 7, I divulge the secrets to multiple orgasms.

If your subtotal is 10 or more:

Your sexual journey is unfolding, and I can help you enhance and embolden your sexual pleasure. If you have been capable of great desire but are currently lacking your full desire, chapter 2 is devoted to discovering what may be blocking the flow of your passion. I will teach you how to nurture your passion and keep it full throughout your life. If your desire is raring and ready to go, begin learning the Taoist practices that will help you refine your sexual energy for more ecstatic lovemaking. The Healing Sounds in chapter 3 prepare you for learning the Taoist sexual practices in chapter 6. If you have difficulty with orgasm, chapter 4 discusses some of the physiologic and energetic gifts of orgasm and common roadblocks that prevent women from being regularly orgasmic. If you are already orgasmic, go to chapter 5, which teaches you how to discover your own hot spots (some of which you may not yet have found) and to orgasm easily. In chapter 6, I show you, step by step, how to use your sexual energy to expand your orgasms and to feel their tingling pleasure from your nose to your toes (and a few places in between). Chapter 7 teaches the secrets to multiple orgasms, how to have pleasure that expands beyond orgasm, and, for those of you who are interested, the "how-tos" of female ejaculation.

BODILY COMFORT

5. How comfortable are you being naked with a lover?

1. I prefer to be partially dressed or have the lights out when naked.
2. I am somewhat comfortable being naked with a lover.
3. I am usually comfortable being naked with a lover.
4. I almost always enjoy sharing my body with a lover.

6. How do you relate to your body?

1. I hate my body and/or regularly consider extreme means (surgical or other) by which to make my body acceptable to me.
2. I sometimes feel good in my body but often criticize myself for how I look.
3. I usually feel good in my body but sometimes criticize myself for how I look.
4. I love being in my body and appreciate all it can feel and do.

7. How comfortable do you feel touching your genitals?

1. I touch myself only when it is absolutely necessary.
2. I am somewhat comfortable touching my genitals but have rarely touched myself for pleasure.
3. I occasionally self-pleasure or masturbate.
4. I frequently self-pleasure and enjoy touching myself alone and when with my partner.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Bodily Comfort: ______

BODILY COMFORT

If your subtotal is less than 8:

If you live in the United States or Europe (and increasingly, the rest of the world), the cultural ideal of what is beautiful is so far from the average female that most of us feel inadequate by comparison. It can be a tremendous challenge as a woman to feel good about and enjoy one's body. In addition, the cultural and religious traditions from which many of us come teach that the body and its pleasures are dangerous and that masturbation is sinful. In truth, your body is the most precious treasure you have, no matter what you look like. Every body is capable of giving and receiving pleasure. Taoism teaches us that the body is sacred and that sexual pleasure is a necessary part of our aliveness and our wholeness. The first step in reclaiming the enjoyment of your body is to love yourself as you are.

You will explore your body in detail in chapter 5, so that you can get to know your own pleasure spots. And although you do not have to masturbate (or self-cultivate, as the Taoists prefer to call it) in order to have a fulfilling sexual life, it certainly helps. It allows you to pleasure yourself or to teach a lover how best to pleasure you. You will practice loving regard and loving touch toward yourself in chapter 5.

If your subtotal is 8 or more:

Loving your body and being willing to share your pleasure are the cornerstones to ecstatic lovemaking. Even those of us who enjoy our bodies immensely sometimes criticize how we look or how our bodies function. How would it affect your sexual pleasure if you felt at all times that you were an incredibly beautiful, luscious woman? How would it affect your sexual pleasure if you trusted that your body knew exactly what it was doing and that you could relax and fully surrender to your pleasure during lovemaking? Our bodies are precious gifts, no matter what they look like or what challenges they may have.

In my clinic, I care for women of every age, every shape, and every color, and I can tell you that the degree to which a woman is in possession of her sexual desire and confidence has nothing to do with her body type. Many of the most desirous (and desirable, according to their partners) women that I know are overweight, socalled "flat-chested," or over 55. A recent study explored the sexual satisfaction of women who were more than 50 to 100 pounds overweight. The study showed that women were sexually satisfied, regardless of their weight, as long as their body image was positive and they had good communication with their partners, just like everyone else. Being significantly overweight did not impair their sexual enjoyment; feeling bad about their bodies or having difficulty with their partners did. Women are desirable when they experience and feel entitled to their own pleasure. Sex appeal is not all about body type; it is about how you move, how you speak, and how you express yourself when you feel desirable.

I suggest that during your reading of this book you take a break from body criticism. Do not speak critical thoughts about your body out loud, to yourself, or to anyone else. Undoubtedly, you will still have critical thoughts, but when they arise, try to express your appreciation for whatever it is that you're criticizing. For example, you might look in the mirror and think, "I have such a fat ass." Instead, try to find a way to appreciate it: "What a lovely, soft rump for my lover to sink his (or her) hands into!" When we replace negative thoughts with positive ones (even when we are stretching ourselves to be positive), new associations begin to form. So the next time that you are with your lover and he or she is gazing at your arse, you just might think, he or she "can't wait to get their hands on my gorgeous ass." Positive regard about your body feeds your desire rather than extinguishing it, because it helps you feel desirable and, therefore, rightfully entitled to feeling your sexual desire. In short, your ability to feel desirable directly influences your ability to feel desire. And a woman who feels her own desire is inherently more desirable. She shines from within with the power of her passion.

If you are somewhat hesitant about self-cultivation (masturbation), know that it is absolutely essential to discovering what you like and to meeting your own sexual needs. Many of us are taught to expect that only our partners are allowed to stimulate us sexually. The ability to touch ourselves, however, allows us to have our pleasure independent of our partner. If only your partner can pleasure you, that means that you need to control him or her in order to get your sexual needs met. And your partner is unlikely to enjoy being controlled. When you and your partner have different levels of desire in the relationship (and you always will at one time or another), each of you needs to be able to satisfy yourself or there will inevitably be conflict. And contrary to common assumption, self-cultivation does not decrease the frequency of partnered sex. If anything, it stokes the fire and keeps it burning for later. As I will discuss in chapter 5, touching yourself during partnered lovemaking is also one of the best ways to become multi-orgasmic.

SEXUAL PAST

8. My family or families of origin educated me about sexuality in an open and loving way.

1. This is not at all true.
2. This is somewhat true.
3. This is mostly true.
4. This is completely true.

9. My family or families of origin had appropriate boundaries around sexual discussion and behavior so that I felt safe developing as a sexual being.

1. This is not at all true.
2. This is somewhat true.
3. This is mostly true.
4. This is completely true.

10. In my life:

1. I have been raped or been the victim of incest.
2. I have often agreed to sex when I didn't want to.
3. I have occasionally agreed to sex when I didn't want to.
4. I have almost never had sex when I didn't want to.

11. I have enjoyed:

1. Very few of my sexual encounters.
2. Some of my sexual encounters.
3. Most of my sexual encounters.
4. Almost all of my sexual encounters.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Sexual Past: ______

SEXUAL PAST

If your subtotal is less than 9:

Our past experiences influence who we are and also how we live in our bodies. The study of neuropsychology is just beginning to appreciate the ways in which our past emotional and physical experiences influence the sensations that our bodies currently feel. It is well known that women who have had traumatic sexual experiences, such as rape or incest, often struggle to feel safe and emotionally present during lovemaking. There is also good evidence that women who have experienced sexual trauma have more physical ailments of the genital area such as chronic vaginal pain, painful menstruation, or frequent infections. Taoism teaches that when the body is injured physically or emotionally, the flow of life energy in that area is blocked, leading to dysfunction. For example, if you were taught by your family of origin that your sexual organs were "dirty," it is possible that your negative associations with your sexual organs partially block the flow of chi in your genital area.

Negative experiences around sexuality can contribute to low desire and difficulty with orgasm, but there is much hope to be had. Many of my patients have experienced extensive sexual trauma and, through their own psychological and spiritual work, now have extremely fulfilling sex lives. The key to this process is becoming aware of what your experiences have been and to get help from friends, partners, or therapists in processing all of the confusing and sometimes terrifying feelings that these experiences can bring up. If you have been raped or been the victim of incest and have not discussed it with anyone, I encourage you to contact a therapist with whom you can process the many feelings that will undoubtedly arise as you go through this book. If you are in a relationship with a trustworthy person, it is also important to share with your partner what you have experienced. Exploring these experiences is hard emotional work, but getting free of their hold over your vital sexual self can be exhilarating and even miraculous.

For many of my clients who have had negative experiences around their genital area, using the Healing Sounds as described in chapter 3 has been a very transformational practice. It can be particularly effective when combined with the Jade Egg practice in chapter 8. From a Taoist point of view, these practices allow the trapped emotions and energies of anger or fear to be released and for the sexual energy in the genital area to flow freely.

If you have not been raped or been the victim of incest but have had sex when you really didn't want to, the same processes can occur. Sex when one isn't feeling desirous can be painful or can make one feel numb physically or emotionally. In either case, your body "learns" to associate the stimulation of your sexual organs with pain or fear or emotional withdrawal. This can also block the flow of chi to the genital area and make arousal and orgasm more difficult. It is possible, however, to reverse this process by changing the choices and experiences that you have. Begin by never having sex unless you want to. Your body needs to learn that all genital touch is now safe and that you get to choose when genital touch occurs. In this circumstance, it is even more important to learn to touch yourself for pleasure so that you can feel sexual sensation in an entirely safe environment where you have control over what is taking place. It will help you to do the Body Exploration exercise as described in chapter 5.

If your subtotal is 9 or more:

In most societies, it is the rare woman who has had solely positive sexual experiences. Processing whatever difficult experiences you may have had can unleash your natural desire and enjoyment. If you have been the victim of rape or incest, you might want to refer to the discussion above, but also think back to the conceptions of your body that pervaded your youth. Were your sexual organs seen as "naughty" or "dirty" or simply ignored? What did you call them? The word "vagina" comes from the Latin word for "sheath"- meaning the place to put one's sword (in this case, a man's penis). It seems strange for a woman's powerful sexual center to be named only in reference to a man. And "vagina," although anatomically accurate for the vaginal passage, does not begin to describe the whole of our sexual organs, which include our clitoris, the opening to our urethra (where the urine comes out), and our vaginal lips. (For a fuller discussion of our genital treasures see chapter 5.) Taoism, in contrast, refers to the vagina as the "jade gate" and the clitoris as the "black pearl" (a precious stone). Tantric ¹ texts refer to a woman's external genitals as her "yoni," which means "sacred place." Given that a woman's genitals are the gateway to all human life, these names seem more appropriate. What name would you give to your sexual organs? If you were to have daughters, how would you like them to view their genitals? One of my colleagues fondly refers to her vagina as "Viv." You certainly don't have to name your vagina, but can you begin to think of your sexual organs as the sacred source that they are?

It is always helpful to understand the cultural assumptions about sexuality with which we are raised. Once we understand the origins of our feelings, we can begin to reshape them. It might be helpful to talk to a woman from a similar cultural background about her experiences. Alternatively, hearing about a different cultural experience highlights what is particular about our own. A friend from a Mexican Catholic family told me that she learned never to touch herself "down there" and that if she did, she had to go to confession and tell the male priest-a fairly direct message that her genitals were reserved for the man in her life. A white, Protestant friend recalled that she had no word for her genitals because they were simply never mentioned by anyone in her family (just as sex was never discussed). She internalized the impression that her genitals, and sex in general, were wrong and should be avoided. Exploring your familial and cultural heritage can help you understand your feelings about sexuality and your body.

If you have had largely positive sexual experiences, you have received a great gift. If desire and affection are your usual associations with physical intimacy, you will not need to address your sexual past and can focus fully on your present. Consider, then, what you would like your current sexual life to look like. Are you able to fully abandon yourself to your desire? How much pleasure are you capable of? Is there anything holding you back from your full sexual potential? Keep your answers to these questions in mind as you practice the exercises in this book. Your ability to surrender completely to your pleasure is equivalent to your ability to expand your orgasmic energy.

PARTNER PROFILE

12. My current or previous partner and I discuss(ed) our sexual life in an open and constructive way.

1. Never
2. Rarely
3. Occasionally
4. Regularly

13. The following best describes my current or past relationship(s):

1. I am often afraid that I will be hurt by my partner and do not trust him/her with my body or emotions.
2. I sometimes trust my partner with my body and pleasure but am afraid of being hurt physically or emotionally.
3. I can usually trust my partner with my body and pleasure.
4. I completely trust my partner with my body and pleasure.

14. The following best describes myself in my current (or most recent) relationship:

1. I almost never ask for or show (with my body or sounds) what I want from my partner sexually.
2. I have difficulty asking for or showing what I want sexually.
3. I can usually ask for or show what I want sexually.
4. I almost always ask for or show what I want sexually.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Partner Profile: ______

PARTNER PROFILE

If your subtotal is less than 8:

The foundation of any relationship is trust, and the most fundamental aspect of this trust is the belief that the other person does not wish to harm you. All relationships, sexual or not, will at some time bring up fear and emotional pain in the natural process of growing. But if you fear that your partner wishes to intentionally harm you, either physically or emotionally, it is almost impossible to do the tender work of awakening your sexual fire together. It is sometimes the case that we do not trust our partner because he or she is not trustworthy and has physically or emotionally abused us. If this is your situation, please seek the good counsel of friends, family, or a therapist. Living in physical or emotional fear of one's partner will stunt your growth in many more ways than in your sexual life, and both of you will need help finding alternative ways to communicate if you are to be together. Organizations and literature on domestic abuse are listed in appendix 2.

It is also the case that we sometimes do not trust our partner, not because he or she is untrustworthy, but because we have lost our ability to trust due to prior hurts. All of us have experienced emotional or physical injury from another person during our development, whether it was a friend who betrayed you, a sibling who demeaned you, or a past love who rejected you. Once you have been "burned," it is easy to become emotionally guarded to protect yourself from further pain. In an intimate relationship, however, this emotional defensiveness will prevent the closeness you need in order to connect and experience your full passion. If you know your partner to be safe, it may be in your best interest to openly discuss your fears and express what it is you need from him or her to relax into trust.

Jean is a woman in her late fifties whose husband, Charlie, loves and is attracted to her, but who would often look at or talk about other women when they were out together. Jean grew up with a mother who was always critical of how Jean looked, and Jean felt self-conscious about her own looks in comparison to these other women. Because of Jean's fears that she was not attractive enough, she was reluctant to be naked or sexual with her husband. Charlie, in turn, felt rejected as a lover and was angry about their deteriorating sex life. Jean's hurt (fearing that her husband found other women more attractive) was making her withdraw affection from her husband, and he in turn withheld the appreciation and affection that she craved. As a result, the integrity of their marriage was threatened. If both of them had continued to "defend" against the other's perceived "attack," their marriage would have dissolved.

Fortunately, Jean and her husband both found the courage to express their fears and to ask for what they needed. They acknowledged that they both loved each other and wanted the marriage to work, which began the process of reestablishing trust. Jean asked that Charlie not look at or talk about other women in her presence and that he show, by his words and his affection, his attraction to her. Charlie asked that Jean also be affectionate with him and that they reestablish their sexual connection. This honest coming to terms with each other of their fears and needs sparked an entirely new level of commitment in their marriage, and this was reflected in greater communication and willingness in their sexual intimacy. Their sexual play since then has never been more satisfying or more intimate.

Consider your current relationship or, if you have more than one, consider the one that is for you most significant. What is holding you back from full closeness and intimacy with this person? Could you discuss it with him or her? What do you need from him or her in order to be lovingly present in your sexual connection? As I will discuss throughout the book, your sexual life is not separate from the rest of your life or your relationships. Increasing your sexual energy will only magnify what is already happening in your life emotionally. It is important to engage in whatever emotional work you need to do with your partner as you progress in your sexual practice.

If you feel connected to your partner but are simply embarrassed about discussing sexuality, this is a great opportunity to take the risk of asking for what you want. If you can't do it verbally, consider writing a letter to your loved one. How do you think your partner would respond if you asked for just what you wanted sexually? Some partners might initially be afraid that they cannot perform as you desire, but the majority of partners find great satisfaction in truly meeting their lover's erotic needs. If you make an honest, loving, and patient request, you just might get what you want.

If you are not sure what it is that you need or want to be sexually fulfilled, chapter 2 will help you find your desire, and chapter 5 will guide you (and your partner, if you wish) to explore your body's responses in detail. Even if you do know what you want, the idea of asking one's partner for it can be scary. It may be helpful to have your partner read chapter 5, as well, to become familiar with a variety of sexual techniques that you can try together. There is really no replacement, however, for communicating to your partner what you like and what you don't. If it is difficult to do this with words, ooohs and aaahs as well as the grinding of your hips or the encouragement of your hand can be very successful means of expressing your wants and needs. Try to focus on what you want your partner to do rather than criticizing what he or she is doing. Everyone feels vulnerable when they are naked, whether they are receiving or giving pleasure.

If your subtotal is 8 or more:

If you have chosen a partner who you can trust most of the time and with whom you can discuss what you want sexually, this will be a great gift as you explore your sexual potential. For most of us, there continue to be ways in which we can improve our ability to be honest with our partners about what we are feeling. These skills are basic to the functioning of any relationship but are particularly important when it comes to the vulnerable area of our sexuality. An improvement in communication at any level will contribute to the clarity and enjoyment of your sexual relationship, as was illustrated in Jean and Charlie's relationship. Facing our deepest fears around relationship and sexuality, whatever they are, can flood the relationship with a resurgence of love and passion.

Being honest with your partner about how you're feeling sexually is particularly important. In the discussion earlier, I encouraged women to avoid having sex when they truly do not want to; this is especially important if they've experienced sexual trauma. It is likewise important never to pretend desire or fake an orgasm for the sake of your partner. When you do this, you "trick" your body into experiencing the physical sensations of lovemaking without the warmth of desire. The result is that your genitals learn to become "numb," to be touched and feel nothing. This is a dangerous practice for women who are seeking to cultivate their desire and pleasure because it makes one's sensitive sexual organs less responsive.

If you stop having sensation in your genitals or experience pain during lovemaking, stop and change the stimulation. If you also feel emotionally disengaged from your partner, stop and try to reconnect before continuing. A simple way to do this is to face each other (lying or sitting) and look into each other's eyes. If you are able to talk about what you are feeling-"That position hurt and I got scared," or "I remembered that I forgot to pay the phone bill and got distracted"-it will be helpful information for you and for your partner. Reconnect with gentle touching until you are ready to resume lovemaking. It is important to be honest, even with yourself, about what you are and are not feeling. Only then can you really begin to explore what you need for satisfaction. Remember to discuss with your partner your intention to change the pattern of lovemaking when your sensation wanes so that he or she understands what you are doing and can support you in finding your desire.

I encourage you to discuss lovemaking with your partner and ask for exactly what it is that you need to be present and fully pleasured. Reciprocating and asking your partner what it is that you can do to help him or her sexually will facilitate the process of your finding passion together. In situations where your partner has a difficult time understanding and meeting your needs, it can be helpful to write down exactly what it is you are asking for. Remember to be patient, as real change takes time.

In some cases, your partner may not be able to give you what you want, for whatever reason. You must then meet your own erotic needs to whatever extent you can using self-cultivation. When you honor and make time for self-cultivation as a legitimate sexual path, it can be extremely fulfilling and allow you to integrate the Taoist practices in this book on your own terms. You will also need to decide whether your partner's inability to engage you sexually is a "make or break" issue in your relationship. No one relationship can fulfill all of a person's needs. You need to decide which of your needs are so important that you cannot have an intimate relationship unless they are met.

When we first begin to explore our needs for intimacy and sexuality, it is frightening because we never know for sure whether our partner will choose to accompany us on our sensual journey. Most of the time, partners are grateful for the fresh insight and passion that this growth brings, as doing this work will certainly "stir the pot" of any stagnant relationship. I sincerely hope that the result for you will be a more dynamic and exciting partnership. If you are afraid that your relationship cannot sustain the power of your new growth, I believe that it is still important to do this work. If you are meant to grow and blossom into a more complete, vibrant you and you deny that growth in order to "save your relationship," the result will be your own stagnation and dissatisfaction. You are growing at every moment of your life, and if you stop growing, you begin the process of dying. Your growth may spur your partner to overcome his or her fears and embrace his or her whole, sensual selves as well. Your partner would benefit from reading The Multi-Orgasmic Man, The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, or a second copy of this book while you read yours. When both of you are engaged in cultivating Taoist sexuality, the results can be profound. If your partner is not interested, it is still possible for you to do the energetic sexual practice alone or even during lovemaking, with his or her support. Use the Taoist practice to cultivate your compassion for his or her feelings. If they witness your new development into a more vital, loving partner, they are much more likely to become interested in the practice.

Communicating with one's partner can be a complicated and sometimes exasperating experience. If you'd like further assistance dealing with your own emotional complexity as you negotiate all of the rich and sometimes difficult relationships that we have (in and out of the bedroom), chapter 3 teaches the Healing Sounds practice. They are an almost miraculous way to calm one's raging emotions when reason does not suffice. They utilize an ancient Taoist knowing about the places that we store our emotions and give practical ways to release and balance them. The Healing Sounds are a vital accompaniment to the sexual practice as they help balance and ground the sexual energy.

PHYSICAL HEALTH

15. I consider my physical health to be

1. Poor.
2. Fair.
3. Good.
4. Excellent.

16. I exercise for at least 20 minutes

1. Almost never.
2. Once a week to once a month.
3. One to two times a week.
4. Three times a week or more.

17. The optimal diet for each person is somewhat different, but nearly everyone needs a balance of fresh fruits and vegetables, lean protein sources, and whole grains. Most of us need to limit sweets, saturated (solid) fats, cholesterol (animal fat), processed foods (which usually contain the above), and fast food. Given these guidelines, I consider my diet to be

1. Poor.
2. Fair.
3. Good.
4. Excellent.

18. Many medical conditions and normal hormonal changes can affect one's libido and orgasmic ability. After reviewing the list of these conditions on page 277, I have

1. Four or more conditions that can affect my sexual health.
2. Two or three conditions that can affect my sexual health.
3. One condition that can affect my sexual health.
4. None of the conditions on the list.

19. All of the drugs listed on page 278, both recreational and prescription, can affect one's sexual and physical health. After reviewing the list, I note that I am taking

1. Four or more drugs that may affect my sexual health.
2. Two or three drugs that may affect my sexual health.
3. One drug that may affect my sexual health.
4. None of the drugs on the list.

Add the numbers for each of your answers and put the subtotal here.

Physical Health: ______

PHYSICAL HEALTH

If your subtotal is less than 12:

If you are struggling with libido or orgasm, it is highly likely that some of your difficulty arises from your physical health. No matter what your age or physical condition, some degree of physical exercise can improve your health. Moderate exercise, by which I mean 20 minutes of aerobic activity at least three times a week, has been shown to increase libido, decrease depression as effectively as Prozac, improve heart disease, improve or eliminate diabetes, decrease osteoporotic bone loss, decrease arthritic and muscle pain, boost metabolism and weight loss, and overall just make you feel more vital. Most of us "on again/off again" exercisers have noticed that it's hard to start regular exercise once we have been sedentary, but that after the first month, it becomes so pleasurable that the body craves it. Almost any body type can find a suitable exercise, from walking and yoga to bicycling and water aerobics. If you're not exercising now and you want to boost your sexual health, consider adding exercise to your schedule in any way that you can. Simply being more active during your day can help: taking the stairs instead of the elevator, walking instead of driving, or doing your own yard work.

When your body feels well, your chi flows and your sexual energy is more available to you. Even small changes in your diet or activity level can make a difference. Many of the medical conditions listed at the end of the book can be treated, and even cured, with lifestyle changes. If you suffer from hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, or osteoarthritis (all of which can affect sexual satisfaction), your condition can be improved or reversed by exercise, a healthy diet, and stopping addictive behaviors (cigarettes, excessive alcohol, and other drugs). If you are pregnant, nursing, menopausal, or post-menopausal, you can read about the sexual issues that are particular to your life stage in chapter 8. The sexual effects of hormonal shifts can often be improved and balanced through Taoist practices. The practice of Ovarian Breathing in chapter 8, for example, is a natural and effective way to improve menstrual pain and irregularities and menopausal symptoms, including low libido. I also explore genital health in detail in chapter 9.

Many medications can also influence sexuality, and many doctors simply do not know the sexual side effects of all the drugs that they prescribe. Speak with your doctor about whether there are any alternatives to what you are taking, and feel free to take the medication list on page 279 into your next appointment to see if together you can find any alternatives. If you do not ask the questions, your physician may assume that all is well and that you are perfectly happy with what you are taking. In the meantime, please continue your current medications, as they are contributing to your overall health, but try maximizing the other "libido friendly" behaviors that I discuss in chapter 2.

If your subtotal is 12 or greater:

You have reasonably good health, which is a great blessing in every aspect of your life. As I've discussed, your sexual vibrancy and your overall health are intimately entwined, especially as you age. Taking good care of yourself now with regular exercise, a healthy diet, and avoiding addictive behaviors can mean that you are more sexually responsive today and will remain so as you get older.

Developing good health habits is important for your physical well-being as well as your psychological health. Besides preventing depression and anxiety, exercise and good life habits mean that you are loving and taking care of yourself. We use many of our poor health behaviors (eating junk food and sweets, smoking cigarettes, watching excessive TV, using drugs) to try to escape what we are feeling in the moment, be it anger, sadness, self-hatred, or boredom. We add to the burden of our "dis-ease" by heaping self-destructive behaviors onto negative emotional experiences.

I discuss the basics of sexual health in chapter 9. If you feel that you are already doing a pretty good job at maintaining your physical health, you may want to learn the Ovarian Breathing and Jade Egg practices in chapter 8 that are designed to enhance your vaginal, breast, ovarian, and uterine health. These have been used by women in China for millennia to finely tune their hormones and their sexual pleasure. If you suffer from painful or heavy periods, PMS, or are going through menopause, the Ovarian Breathing practice can be very helpful.

GROUND RULES FOR A SATISFYING AND SUCCULENT SEX LIFE

I hope that this quiz has given you some insight into the areas of your sexuality that you can focus on to increase your pleasure and enhance your orgasmic ability. Use the results of the quiz to guide you to the places in the book-whether that's the next chapter or a section near the end-that can be most helpful for you. I suggest that you retake the quiz several months after integrating the practices in this book into your life to see how you have grown in your sexual fulfillment.

It may also be helpful for your partner to take the quiz as well so that you can compare your experiences. All of the questions are also relevant for men, including the one about multiple orgasms. If your partner is interested in having multiple orgasms and expanding his own sexual pleasure, refer him to The Multi-Orgasmic Man; the basic practices are very similar, and it is much more fun to do them together. Having a partner who supports you in doing this practice is great, but having a partner who is willing to learn the practice with you is extraordinary.

During the discussions throughout this chapter, I laid down some of the "ground rules" that I hope you follow while learning the sexual practice. They bear repeating since they should help you stay on the path of developing a satisfying and succulent sexual life.

1. Do not verbally criticize your body.
2. Affirm your body whenever possible.
3. Never have sex unless you want to.
4. If you feel pain or a lack of sensation in your genitals during lovemaking or self-cultivation, stop, change the stimulation, and reconnect with your partner.

Think of these as promises to your unfolding sexual self. If you are able to keep them, you will have created a safe space for your desire to blossom into its fullness. Let's start the process by learning to stoke the fires of your passion.

——————
Footnotes

1. Tantra refers to the spiritual and sexual practices native to India. The Tantric tradition also has a long history of meditative and healing practices.

Copyright © 2005 Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D.

Tags: Sex and Romance For Women

About the Author

Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D. is a family practice physician who specializes in complementary medicine as well as women's health and sexuality. The coauthor of The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, she lives in northern California with her husband and three children.

About the Author

Master Mantak Chia is the world's best-known teacher of the Taoist arts, from Tai Chi to Taoist sexuality. He is the author of the best-sellers The Multi-Orgasmic Man and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple as well as the self-published classics Taoist Secrets of Love and Healing Love through the Tao. He lives in Thailand and teaches in the United States and around the world.