I Was A Child

You Shall Not Be Ashamed: Personal Recovery
by Denise B. Fair

Introduction

Imagine yourself...

In an expanse of uninhabited desert:
Find the center most point.
All you see in every direction is
sand and barrenness.
It is dry and hot during the day.
It is bitterly cold at night.
It is deserted.
Your journey through this desert
must be kept a secret.
You have no map. You have no assistance.
You have no means of finding life or civilization.
No one even knows you are there.
You are on your own.

Now that is isolation.

My primary purpose in writing this book is to offer reassurance, understanding and encouragement to those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse.

It is painful to remember.
We tried hard to forget,
But Truth would not be silent.
No stillness, no quiet.

Through my profound, intense belief in the LORD and His word and also my own unfortunate experience of having suffered childhood sexual abuse, I feel I can offer compassionate aid and assistance to its other survivors. The book's title is taken from Isaiah 54:4abc, "you shall not be ashamed." To borrow another expression from the Old Testament prophet, Isaiah, "Come, let us reason together."

Yes, little ones, there is healing from this isolation and injury."

Chapter 2

"I Was A Child"

Life-Changing Question.
That Is Exactly What Happened To Me.

IT TOOK ME twenty-five years before I felt safe enough to utter one word to another living soul concerning the sexual abuse I experienced as a little girl.

"Denise, were you ever sexually abused?"

Only when our counselor asked me such a direct question did I dare consider the possibility of actually sharing the experiences I endured with someone else. (I almost informed a trusted teacher about the sexual abuse early one afternoon, but I could not muster up the courage to complete the sentence.) The thought of putting it into spoken words was still very frightening to me that day in the doctor's office, twenty-five years after-the-fact of the first sexual molestation.

Upon hearing the question, and in my immediate panic, I quickly denied it to the doctor and my husband (who was also present), but the words of my emphatic denial did not match my cracking voice or my suddenly inhibited and tense posture.

After the appointment with our counselor concluded, I had to drive Mike back to work. Instead of dropping him off at the front door as usual, I turned off the ignition in the parking lot of the store. I nervously and quietly turned to him and said, "It's true. That is exactly what happened to me."

He was not surprised and automatically knew who had been the main perpetrator of the sexual abuse.

That single question began my decade-long roller coaster ride through the recovery and restoration process from the aftereffect of the abuse. A wise man finally asked me the right question. And that one question changed my life.

A Bumpy Ride.
The Embarrassment, Helplessness, & Shame.

AT TIMES, IT has been the typical roller coaster ride experience in dealing with the residual effect of the sexual abuse. I was sexually abused by several individuals in my early childhood. My first cognizant exposure to this crime occurred around the age of two.

Even though I was merely a toddler, my body has never forgotten that touch. My heart was shattered. My mind has never forgotten the confusion or the panic or the inability to stop the actual molestation. My soul was bruised.

My frantic attempt to ward off the initial assault was fruitless. The inner turmoil and shock caused by this violation were emotionally paralyzing. Being so young, I could not even articulate, much less, fully comprehend, what had happened to me. I just had an innate sense it was wrong.

I was extremely young, but I have never forgotten the embarrassment or the helplessness. Or the shame.

Ups & Downs.
Determined to Survive the Ride.

THERE HAVE BEEN the proverbial roller coaster ups and downs. The ride has been fast and furious and at times, perilous. I have experienced death-defying free-falls and slow, chugging, jerking climbs.

I have screamed at the top of my lungs. I have cried. I have raged. I have been faithless. I have been confused. I have been lost. I have been devastated. I have been crumpled in a heap on the floor. I have been weak. I have been crushed. I have been determined to survive the ride.

I Was A Child.
But My Outlook Has Changed.

YES, I HAVE been hurt by what took place (as I write these words) some thirty-plus years ago. The pain has wracked my body and heart and mind and soul. Why? My life was violated by sexual abuse.

One of the most devastating responses I had was to immediately assume the guilt and blame for each instance of abuse. I believed (so typically) it must have been my fault; something dreadful must have been wrong with me. I certainly must have had some awful personal defect to have attracted the abuse. Surely it had been my fault. This is a classic response for victims of this crime, but it is incorrect.

However, I held onto this and other false beliefs related to the abuse until I was twenty-seven-years-old. It was at this time that an obvious fact was made clear to me: I was a child when these instances of abuse occurred. I was a little girl who was dependent upon others in my life to shield me from such mistreatment; my own ability to protect myself was limited because I was a child.

It was at the time of this simple, simple realization and crystal-clear comprehension that the transformation of my life began. For the first time since the first instance of abuse occurred--the first moment in twenty-five years---it was obvious I was not at fault for the sexual abuse.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; now that I have become a man [*woman], I am done with childish ways and have put them aside. 1 Corinthians 13:11

In that split second of realization, Light overcame darkness, and my perception of the abuse changed forever. Truly, it was as if a dark cloud was lifted from my entire way of thinking and blue skies and sunlight broke through.

It was amazing; I no longer blamed myself for the actions of the perpetrators.

Painfully, some of the situations I was placed in as a child were conducive to this type of abuse. Being a small child, I had no control in the matter. But it took me a quarter-of-a-century to realize none of these things were within my power to control.

A large part of my healing has depended on this decision to face the abuse from an adult's perspective, rather than a child's. The abuse must be analyzed from an adult's viewpoint. It sounds so, so simple, but it is true.

Same Old Questions.

For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection [of reality as in a riddle or enigma], but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly), but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God]. 1 Corinthians 13:12

IT WOULD BE insincere to say I do not go through times of wanting to know the reasons the abuse occurred. I still experience moments and even seasons when those same old questions (my own questions about the abuse I suffered) plague me and pain me; gratefully, more often than not, the dim, (blurred) reflection of my understanding continues to be perfected.

My own reflection becomes clearer as the Lord restores myself to me. The reflection of the abuse also continues to come into sharper focus because the Lord is placing all of the experiences in the proper light---His Light. As I continue to relax, the picture is no longer distorted, and my entire life has more clarity, authenticity, and transparency each day.

The memories of the abuse no longer loom and tower over me, nor do they relentlessly shadow my life. My outlook and perspective change more and more. The abuse gets smaller and smaller while I continue to mature and grow into the person God originally planned for me to be.

The picture is still a little blurry, but God continues to supply me with new answers to my same old questions. For now, I do not have all the answers concerning my own abuse. But when I see my Lord face-to-Face, I will understand because my knowledge will be complete in Him.

There will be no dimness or blurriness of vision or lack of comprehension. I will have all the answers to these difficult, perplexing questions. And that is comforting to me.

A Safe Place.
The Love of the Father.

THANKFULLY, WITH AGE and distance from the actual acts of abuse, I have realized I was not responsible for these dreadful criminal violations. I am finally in a safe place, and I am surrounded by the everlasting love and security of God. I was a child, but now I find comfort knowing I am His child.

As a father loves and pities his children, so the Lord loves and pities those who fear Him [with reverence, worship, and awe]. Psalm 103:13

Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 1 John 3:1a,2 NKJV

For now, my faith in the Lord will suffice. I know He has my best interest at heart. I trust my heavenly Father!"

© 2003 Denise B. Fair

About the Author

Denise B. Fair was born in Collin County, Texas in 1956 and has lived in Texas her entire life. She currently resides and works in the central Texas area. In addition to writing, Denise pursues many other interests, such as, home-making, floral-arranging, needle-working, gardening, doll-collecting, print-collecting and listening to musical artists Neil Finn, Eddie Vedder, and Tom Petty. She is keen on old black and white American movies from the 30s and 40s, especially ones starring Carole Lombard, the Marx Brothers, Fred Astaire or Claudette Colbert. Christian writers who have impacted her life are Joyce Landorf Heatherley, Chuck Swindoll, Max Lucado, and Os Hillman. Her favorite Bible phrase is taken from Hebrews 3:1: "...[thoughtfully and attentively] consider Jesus...." (Amplified Bible).