How I Discovered the Secret to Successful Communication with Toddlers

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old
by Harvey Karp, M.D., Paula Spencer

Toddlers can drive you bonkers... so adorable and fun one minute... so stubborn and demanding the next! Yet, as unbelievable as it sounds, there is a way to turn the daily stream of "nos" and "don'ts" into "yeses" and hugs... if you know how to speak your toddler's language. In one of the most useful advances in parenting techniques of the past twenty-five years, Dr. Karp reveals that toddlers, with their immature brains and stormy outbursts, should be thought of not as pint-size people but as pintsize... cavemen.

Having noticed that the usual techniques often failed to calm crying toddlers, Dr. Karp discovered that the key to effective communication was to speak to them in their own primitive language. When he did, suddenly he was able to soothe their outbursts almost every time! This amazing success led him to the realization that children between the ages of one and four go through four stages of "evolutionary" growth, each linked to the development of the brain, and each echoing a step in prehistoric humankind's journey to civilization:

• The "Charming Chimp-Child" (12 to 18 months): Wobbles around on two legs, grabs everything in reach, plays a nonstop game of "monkey see monkey do."

• The "Knee-High Neanderthal" (18 to 24 months): Strong-willed, fun-loving, messy, with a vocabulary of about thirty words, the favorites being "no" and "mine."

• The "Clever Caveman" (24 to 36 months): Just beginning to learn how to share, make friends, take turns, and use the potty.

• The "Versatile Villager" (36 to 48 months): Loves to tell stories, sing songs and dance, while trying hard to behave.

To speak to these children, Dr. Karp has developed two extraordinarily effective techniques:

1) The "fast food" rule - restating what your child has said to make sure you got it right;

2) The four-step rule - using gesture, repetition, simplicity, and tone to help your irate Stone-Ager be happy again.

Once you've mastered "toddler-ese," you will be ready to apply behavioral techniques specific to each stage of your child's development, such as teaching patience and calm, doing time-outs (and time-ins), praise through "gossiping," and many other strategies. Then all the major challenges of the toddler years - including separation anxiety, sibling rivalry, toilet training, night fears, sleep problems, picky eating, biting and hitting, medicine taking - can be handled in a way that will make your toddler feel understood. The result: fewer tantrums, less yelling, and, best of all, more happy, loving time for you and your child.

"The real voyage of discovery consists, not in seeking out new lands, but in having a new vision."

— Marcel Proust

Where did your baby go? One day you're cradling a tiny newborn in your arms, all of parenthood stretched out in front of you. Then before you know it, you're living with an all-new creature-cuter than ever, but suddenly upright, opinionated, headstrong, and lightning fast. Welcome to toddlerhood!

Toddlerhood is one of the high points of parenthood. There's nothing like a one-, two-, or three-year-old to help you see the world in wonderful new ways. The bugs in the grass... the shapes in the clouds... the "castles" in a pile of sand. Toddlers brim with curiosity, excitement and irresistible charm.

But as we all know, toddlerhood isn't non-stop fun. It's more like three parts party mixed with two parts wrestling match and one part jungle safari. Why so wild? Because during these three short years the most amazing, explosive developments in a person's life occur! From walking, to speaking, to making first friends, to solving problems, toddlers achieve all of the major developmental milestones that make human beings unique and extraordinary. It's no exaggeration to say that between ages one and four our children are transformed from wobbly, adorable little monkey-like infants into singing, joking, thoughtful little people.

PROGRESS HAS ITS PRICE!

All that progress comes at a cost-mainly in wear and tear on your back, your patience, and your sanity. Anyone living with a toddler knows how quickly the emotional climate can shift. One minute all is bliss. Then bam! They grunt, cry, scream and explode into a tantrum (often in the most embarrassing places). Despite your best intentions, it can feel like the only words you know are: "No!" "Stop!" and "Don't touch!" And that's no fun.

No wonder pediatricians find that questions about toddler behavior top parents' concerns. And the dozens of books and thousands of articles written on the subject offer further proof that, if you're having frequent struggles with your toddler, you're not alone.

For centuries, parents have tried to figure out how to get their little kids to behave. Spanking, isolation, and strict limits were promoted as the only way to keep resistant toddlers from becoming disrespectful children and rebellious youth. Even during the last century, leading authorities warned against the evils of "kissing and cuddling" and cautioned parents not to "spare the rod and spoil the child." When I was growing up it was common to hear parents yelling, "Shut up, or I'll really give you something to cry about!"

Fortunately the past fifty years have given us exciting insights into what makes children tick. Today we know the destructive effects of rejection and hurtful words, and we're taught to acknowledge our children's frustrations with love. Surprisingly, however, as helpful as patient explanations and discussions of feelings can be with big kids, that logical approach often fails to soothe agitated little toddlers.

A NEW MINDSET: YOUR SWEET LITTLE... NEANDERTHAL?

In my first book, THE HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK, I explain how calming even the fussiest infants is easy once you can see the world from their point of view. Inside the womb newborns are continually fed, shushed, jiggled and cuddled (the sound our fetuses hear is louder than a vacuum cleaner... 24/7). But once they're born we leave them alone, in almost total stillness, for hours a day! No wonder so many babies have trouble adjusting during those first three months.

That essential insight led me to the discovery of the "calming reflex" (the off-switch for crying that all babies are born with) which parents can learn to turn on by recreating the coziness, the sounds, and the rhythmic motions of the womb.

Armed with this new perspective, parents became 100 times more successful at baby calming. Similarly, toddler calming is also 100 times more successful when you start from the right perspective.

The insight that makes dealing with toddlers so much easier is that they are, in many fundamental ways, little Neanderthals. I mean no offense by that. Really! But prehistoric humans had only very primitive language and were strong-willed, opinionated, negative, tenacious, distractible and impatient... is this starting to sound familiar?

Let me reassure you that I love toddlers! They're my favorite of all age groups. They are curious, charming and cute. However, the more I researched anthropology and the latest findings on brain function in children the more correct the Neanderthal comparison seemed to me. Combined with what I knew about fetal and child development and my daily experiences in the office, I became convinced that "evolution" was the key to understanding and communicating with toddlers.

As I put these ideas into action, I began loving 18-month check ups! Once I learned how to speak the ancient language of toddlers I was able to soothe most skeptical, frightened, screaming little children in minutes... or less.

Part One of THE HAPPIEST TODDLER ON THE BLOCK explains the fascinating links between modern toddlers and prehistoric man. Of course, even the wildest toddler isn't really a Stone Ager, but this general idea is like a window through which you'll be able to view your child in a profound new way. Once you learn how your toddler is similar to a caveman, your true job will become clear-you must think of yourself as an ambassador from the 21st century to the Neanderthal people!

To do that job well, you need to know not only how your little Neanderthal thinks but also how to speak her lingo. Part Two teaches you this ancient "language." You will learn what to say and-more importantly-how to say it. It's not hard, just different. Once you understand the concepts the "Fast-Food Rule" and "Toddler-ese" you will be able to connect with your tantruming toddler and quickly guide her to peace and cooperation. Eight times out of 10, this approach, called "prehistoric parenting", will work even when your child doesn't get what she is begging you for. That's because you'll be giving her a gift that is even more precious to her than cookies and toys - love, respect, and understanding-in her language!

In addition, Part Two will teach you the tricks of successful praise, limit setting, and discipline. You will learn how to give nurturing messages through the "side door" of your child's mind, the importance of helping her feel strong and powerful, and the art of successful toddler negotiations.

Finally, Part Three will show you how to apply "prehistoric parenting" to specific problems you may encounter with your toddler including sleep issues, toilet training, separation worries and biting. This section is loaded with practical tips that I've accumulated during my quarter-century in pediatric practice.

BACK TO YOUR FUTURE

I know how challenging these years can be for parents. You dream of having a peaceful, happy family. And then toddlerhood turns everything topsy-turvy! That's why I'm so excited about this new way of easing these roller-coaster years. Not only will Prehistoric Parenting make your child's toddler years more fun, but they'll also help you guide your little time-traveler on her way to becoming a happy and secure child, teen and adult.

Over and over again, I've seen this simple approach turn tornadoes into rainbows and help wobbly, whining children blossom into the happiest toddlers on the block... and soon, you will witness this, too!

So get ready to take a giant step-backward! I promise you'll discover that it's the best way for both you and your toddler to march ahead to a great new relationship.

Excerpted from The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp, M.D. Copyright © 2005 by Harvey Karp, M.D.. Excerpted by permission of Bantam, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Harvey Karp, M.D., has perfected his approach to crying babies during his twenty-five years of experience as a pediatrician and child development specialist. Trained by some of America's top pediatricians, including Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, in 1981 Dr. Karp received the prestigious Ehrmann Fellowship to study crying and colic. Dr. Karp is an assistant professor of pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine, with a private practice in Santa Monica. He is also a nationally renowned expert on children's health and the environment and an authority on breastfeeding. He lives with his wife and daughter in California.

Paula Spencer specializes in health and family subjects for Woman's Day, Glamour, Parenting, Baby Talk, USA Weekend, and other publications. She is the author of four books on pregnancy and parenting, including Everything ELSE You Need to Know When You're Expecting.