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We've all seen them. The temperamental toddler whose seemingly unprovoked tantrums leave her desperate parents scrambling to appease her; the bossy preschooler who never learns to share toys or interact socially with other children or strangers; the sullen teen who regards any request as the first volley in a verbal world war of wills; the unhappy bully whose short fuse and violent reactions to conflict make him feared, friendless, and hopelessly lonely. Most of these children have all the creature comforts they require, and live in loving, supportive homes, yet for some inexplicable reason they feel that everything that happens to them is simply unfair. They start the day with a chip on their shoulders, and can erupt into full-blown rage over minor disappointments or imagined slights. These are children, in short, who are filled with rage that has no clear-cut genesis or cause.

Any parent knows what it feels like to be pushed to the edge by a child's actions or back talk. We've all been there after a hard day, left wondering if negotiating world peace would be a simpler task than getting our children to clear the table or finish their homework. And much of the time we're simply baffled by the force and frequency of these eruptions. Where, we ask ourselves, is all this anger and hostility coming from? Is it normal for my child to be so easily provoked and aggressive, to speak so disrespectfully, to lash out over the tiniest things-or nothing at all?

The answer, sadly, is no. A happy child with strong self-esteem and an optimistic outlook is not so quick on the draw; she's more likely to empathize with others and can apply better problem-solving skills to frustrating situations. So if you or your caregiver or your child's teachers have felt the heat of your child's anger more than just occasionally, there is indeed cause for concern.

Anger itself is not always the demon emotion others have made it out to be; children can and should be allowed to react angrily to injustices, just as adults do. But while it is not always inappropriate for a child to be angry, it is never appropriate for a child to be mean. An angry child tends to react to everyday disappointments in a way that is inappropriate-and brings discomfort to those around her.

Many things can cause a child to misbehave or act unkindly toward others. He may be frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed, or suffering some hurt feelings. The anger may stem from family problems (such as divorce, alcoholism, death in the family), social problems (loneliness, teasing from peers), school problems (learning difficulties, underachieving), or internal problems (such as depression). The anger can be a reaction to stress in the overwhelmed family, or can be the way the child learned to act in order to get what she wants.

Every parent has had to face an angry child at one time or another; an angry outburst is a common reaction to life's troubles. How a parent deals with this anger can mean the difference between raising a confident and pleasant child or an insecure and ornery one. And stemming the tide of anger before it becomes an engrained response to any adversity or friction that arises, can make the difference between a home that is happy and one that is fraught with tension and animosity.

Perhaps you feel (or hope) your child's angry behavior is just a phase that will disappear in time. Sadly, this is unlikely to be the case. In my experience anger is an emotion that generally grows stronger over time. Left unaddressed, it can lead to more serious problems, even violence. It can be a corrosive force within a family that harms not only the child herself, but those around her. For this reason, it's important to identify anger as early as possible and lay the groundwork for change at once.

In my practice, parent often ask me how they can tell if their child's angry behavior is within a normal range or is truly cause for concern. I tell them to ask themselves the following questions:

* * *

As a parent:

• Do you feel caught in a vicious cycle of shouting or resorting to threats in order to get good behavior from your children and achieve peace in your home?

• Do you dread your child's reactions when you correct him?

• Do you lack confidence in your ability to defuse your child's tantrums or teenage tirades?

• Does your child make threats when she doesn't get her way?

• Does it seem that you're often picking up the pieces in the aftermath of your child's anger?

• Do you feel exhausted by daily struggles such as homework, bedtime, and chores you have assigned?

• Do you feel intimidated by your child, even avoiding interactions you know will be unpleasant?

• Do you sense an underlying anger about family problems (marital difficulties, alcohol or drug problems, rage, domestic violence, depression)?

Now, switch your thought process a bit. Does your child:

• Intentionally instigate conflict with unpleasant outcomes?

• Ignore requests or rules in order to frustrate the adults in his life?

• Provoke classmates, siblings, or others to battle?

• Refuse any responsibility for her outbursts, blaming everyone else?

• Whine or complain about the consequences or predicament his anger has landed him in?

• Have a difficult time understanding his own feelings, let alone how others may feel?

• Go into the attack mode whenever things don't go his way?

• Seem unaware of her own anger?

• Keep others at a distance with barbs, aggression, defiance, or withholding?

• Use anger to manipulate an outcome to his advantage?

• Continue an argument way past its logical end?

• Make sweeping, negative generalizations, such as "everybody's a jerk," "all my teachers hate me," or "I can't do anything right"?

• Have difficulty solving problems excerpt through intimidation, threats, and angry outbursts?

• Act nice when it serves her purposes, despite being angry at other times?

• Seem overly interested in violent music or television, video or computer games?

If you answered yes to some of these and feel beaten down by the vehemence of your child's unhappiness and ire, there is hope in the pages that follow. Know that the black cloud that seems to hover over you family is not a figment of your imagination. Such strong anger takes a heavy toll on all those who must coexist with the angry child, whether as caregiver, sibling, parent, or classmate, fortunately, once understood, the acquired responses of the angry child can be unlearned and replaces with more constructive, kinder behaviors that will serve your child throughout her entire life. I don't promise overnight change, nor do I want to mislead you that the changes will be easy-for you or your child. I do promise that a less charged atmosphere and more easy going child will make your efforts very worthwhile.

From the Hardcover edition.

Excerpted from The Angry Child by Tim Murphy, Ph.D. and Loriann Hoff Oberlin Copyright © 2001 by Timothy F. Murphy, Ph.D., with Loriann Hoff Oberlin. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Tags: Anger, Child Discipline

About the Author

Tim Murphy, Ph.D., was an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine/Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh and is presently on the adjunct faculty of the school. Since 1996, Dr. Murphy has been a member of the Pennsylvania State Senate and is the only representative with a background in health care. He has served on numerous committees concerned with public health and welfare, education, aging, and youth, and he makes regular appearances on television and radio. Dr. Murphy lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, with his wife and daughter. This is his first book.