Author Q & A

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby
by Tracy Hogg, Melinda Blau

(Page 3 of 3)

Q. What does "baby whispering" mean and how does it apply to toddlers?

A. Baby whispering is about tuning into your infant by observing, listening, and understanding what's happening from his or her perspective. Even though toddlers are beginning to acquire language and express themselves better than newborns do, the same principles apply. No matter what their age, children thrive when they are listened to, understood and treated with respect.

Q. In Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers you urge parents to accept the toddler they love. What do you mean by that?

A. I meet parents every day who don't grasp who their children are. These moms and dads don't seem to appreciate what they see or what they know, deep down inside, about their own children. They may have the sweetest, most docile child whom other parents would love to have, and they wonder, "Shouldn't he get more involved with other kids?" Or their child might be on the floor, screaming because they wouldn't let her have another cookie, and they're saying, "I don't understand-she's never done this before." Sure. Instead of accepting their child's nature, such parents are in denial. They make excuses for their children or constantly question their nature. In doing so they're inadvertently saying to their toddler, "I don't like who you are-and I'm going to change that." Of course, parents don't mean to negate their children, but in effect, that's what happens. They either see a difficult child through rose-tinted glasses or fail to see what a wonderful child they have. If you don't accept your child's idiosyncrasies you miss the beauty of those unique traits.

Q. "H.E.L.P." is one of the acronyms you use in this book as a teaching aid. What does it stand for?

A. H.E.L.P. stands for Hold back, Encourage exploration (without hovering), Limit, and Praise. These are the essence of good parenting. By holding yourself back you're gathering information. You watch, listen, and absorb the total picture to determine what your child is all about-so that you can anticipate his needs and understand how he responds to the world. By encouraging exploration, you are showing your child that you believe in his ability to experience what life has to offer and that you want him to experiment with the world around him. By limiting you are asserting your role as the grown-up, keeping your child within safe boundaries, helping him to make appropriate choices, and restraining him from situations that are physically or emotionally harmful. And by praising, you are reinforcing learning, growth, and behaviors that will serve your toddler in the future.

Q. What is "The Rule of One/Two/Three?"

A. It's a disciplinary tool parents can use in just about any situation, whether it's hitting you or hitting another child, bedtime reluctance or waking in the night, mealtime misbehavior or meltdowns in public, refusal to take a bath or reluctance to get out of the tub. Let's say your toddler hits another child-little Johnny-in playgroup. The first time it happens, look your child square in the eye and say, "No, you may not hit Johnny." The second time it happens, remove your child from the room. In doing so you're sending a message that says, "I'll watch you, I'll guide you, I'll correct you, I'll intervene." If it happens a third time-then it's time to take your child home. When you use the rule of one/two/three you help your child recognize that his behavior has consequences.

Q. Why are routines and rituals so important for toddlers?

A. Routines and rituals give toddlers predictability, stability and, above all, security. As human beings we like to know what's coming next. When we get up in the morning we like having a ritual to turn to. We take a shower; read the paper; have a cup of coffee; go for a walk; whatever. Rituals are what keep the framework of the day dependable and therefore peaceful. The reason that we, as a society, have so much stress is that a lot of the time we're on unpredictable ground and have no ritual to fall back on. The same applies to us as individuals and particularly to kids of all ages. If children don't have that stable and secure foundation they don't know how to behave. They're always checking to see what they can use as their anchor. Routines and rituals help keep them focused on what's happening in their day. From wake up to bedtime everything follows a natural progression. Routines and rituals are also important because repetition leads to the mastery of skills. A young adult doesn't just jump in a car and drive perfectly from day one-he learns how to drive in stages by repeating certain actions. Toddlers use rituals in the same way.

Q. Parents naturally and unavoidably tend to compare their kids to other kids of the same age. What advice do you offer parents to help them avoid pushiness and cut down on "contests"?

A. I urge parents to remember that children develop at their own unique pace. When you put a challenge to a child who isn't ready what you're really doing is stopping that child's progress. What you're also doing, inadvertently, is shaming the child. Parents need to keep their feelings in check. If you're at a playgroup and you feel embarrassed when your toddler sits on the sidelines, you're not alone. Many parents do. But you need to keep your discomfort to yourself. Don't make excuses for your child's behavior: "Oh, she's just tired," or "She just got up from her nap." Children can sense your disapproval, and it makes them feel bad about themselves or think they've done something wrong. You have to remember that if your child isn't physically or emotionally developed enough to stand up and toddle across the room, nothing you can do will make her ready to do so.

Q. What's the most important thing parents need to know as they lay the groundwork for their toddler's first foray into the public world-their first friendship, first long trip, first dining-out experience, and so on?

A. The most important thing parents need to know is "Take it slow." I had an interesting conversation recently with a woman in a playgroup about her toddler son. She said, "When he was six months old we could take him out to a restaurant and he'd sleep through the meal. Now's he's eighteen months old and it's a nightmare." Parents like that need to realize that toddlers are curious about everything and, at the same time, have limited concentration. If this happens to you, you've got to take a big step back and then move forward in baby steps, reinforcing along the way. Instead of taking your toddler along for dinner, take him to Starbucks in the morning for coffee and a quick muffin, teach him a little bit about table manners, and then leave. You then build from there. If your child goes to playgroup and likes watching from the sidelines but you want to push him into the action, you have to realize that you'll have more success if you hold back and let him join the fun at his own pace. In order to make friends he has to make the move. So start slowly and recognize that each child has his limits and boundaries.

Q. What do you think will most surprise readers of this book?

A. It's hard to predict what exactly will surprise individual readers but I can virtually guarantee that at some point in the book most parents will experience what I call "a light-bulb moment" where they'll say, "Gosh, that makes sense, and I can actually put it into practice in an every-day situation. I can have control as a parent." In general I think parents will be surprised at the extent to which this book provokes positive thoughts, and applies common sense, when dealing with or preventing difficult toddler situations.

Q. Most people hear the acronym T.L.C. and think "Tender Loving Care." What does T.L.C. mean to you?

A. The letters serve as a reminder to parents of the key elements of communication: Talk, Listen and Clarify. In order to encourage speech in their toddlers, so they can communicate better and lower their frustration, parents need to talk to their kids about everything and anything. Describe your day, his activities, things in the immediate environment, and so on. Maintain a running dialogue with your toddler. Then, listen attentively to your toddler's expressions-both verbal and nonverbal-so that he feels heard and also learns how to be attentive himself. Finally, clarify by repeating the correct word or expanding on ideas (without scolding or making your child feel that his speech is "wrong.")

Q. What's the biggest mistake parents make when helping their toddlers rehearse life skills?

A. The biggest mistake parents make is in not setting clear boundaries. Saying no doesn't mean you don't love your child. In fact, what you're doing when you say no is preparing and teaching your child to accept disappointment. Not too long ago I worked with two working parents who felt guilty about working and desperately wanted to make sure their child loved them more than he loved his nanny. As a result they tended to overcompensate when they got home from work, allowing him what they called "freedom". As a result they often had a hard time saying no to their son. Believe me, as soon as that toddler gets into the real world, the first time he faces a teacher who says no, he'll be in for a major letdown. I used to say to my daughters, "When I say no it's because I love you." To me, love means giving another human being an example of how you wish to be treated.

Q. In what way do parents misuse and misunderstand "time-outs"?

A. A "time-out" period is not about taking a child to her room as punishment. It's a method of avoiding a full-scale battle, a time away from the heat of the moment; away from the situation that's causing the problem. A proper time-out helps toddlers regain control over their emotions and prevent parents from accidentally reinforcing the bad behavior. And, with toddlers, you have to be present for the time out. If you simply place your child in a corner, or send her to her room, and walk away, you're not supporting the lesson you're trying to teach. You're not seeing it through. Rather than shaming your child, and saying, "You naughty person, you have to suffer this alone, you can't be around others," I advise parents to stay with their toddler through the time-out so that the child gets to see the parents are in charge and emotionally involved

Q. What do you want readers to get out of this book?

A. I want parents to come away from this book with a feeling of empowerment. I want them to be able to say, "We can do this. This isn't something that we're going to go blindly forward on. We've got some tools now. Let's put them into practice." I also hope this book give them the ability to think before they act-to become what I call "conscious parents." Even more important than the information and skills parents can learn here, I hope this book gives them confidence in themselves, in their intuitive feelings, and in their own abilities to solve problems. The more parents begin to see that they can understand and meet their toddler's needs, the better they'll become at doing so.

Excerpted from Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg with Melinda Blau Copyright © 2002 by Tracy Hogg and Melinda Blau. Excerpted by permission of Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Tracy Hogg obtained her nursing degree in England, specializing in maternity and neonatal care. Her uncanny ability to understand and calm babies led to her nickname "The Baby Whisperer." In 1997, she founded Baby Technique, through which she consults with parents individually, organizes and teaches group classes, and provides nanny training and referrals. She lives in Los Angeles and is the mother of two daughters. You can visit her Web site at www.babywhisperer.com.

Melinda Blau is an award-winning journalist specializing in family and health topics. She is the author of seven other books and countless magazine articles. The mother of two grown children, she lives in Northhampton, Massachusetts.