Chapter 1

Dysfunctional families and how they grow

How children survive being Brought Up amazes me

— Malcolm S. Forbes

What does it mean to grow up in a dysfunctional family? If you've followed pop psychology, been in a twelve step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics, watched Oprah, or read books and magazines, you've probably seen or heard the term dysfunctional many times, and may even have an idea that it means a messed-up family with problems. Perhaps the word has come to mean the family experienced violence, various kinds of abuse, or alcohol and drug abuse. Certainly, all these things can be included in the definition of dysfunctional family. But, to psychologists, dysfunction has a specific meaning, and the manifestation in families isn't always so obvious or dramatic.

Function of a family

Ideally, a family has a function - that is, a job to do. A healthy family should create and sustain an environment which promotes emotional and physical health and psychological well-being for its members. To fulfill this function, families should know how to nurture, support, encourage, protect, teach, create boundaries and structure, and work together as a team.

According to recovery expert John Bradshaw in Bradshaw on the Family:

The Functional Family

F ills its function
U understands everyone's purpose
N nurtures - everyone's needs are met
C communicates frequently and effectively
T teaches the children what they need to know
I intimacy is available
O open to new ideas
N never punishes by shaming or withholding love
A always seeks to understand each other
L LOVE IS MOST IMPORTANT (including sometimes tough love)
F fights fair
A assists each other (teamwork)
M makes each individual important
I in times of trouble, focuses on solving the problem, support
L lets each member be an individual
Y YOU have the power to be functional, no matter what anyone else is doing

Of course, it is much easier for psychologists and recovery experts to preach about functional families than it is for ordinary people to create a working, healthy family. Often, parents have little or no training in how to establish a heathy relationship with each other, even before they begin to take on the enormous responsibility of raising children. These parents are products of their own parents' lack of information, and the cycle of ignorance and incompetence may go back many generations. Psychologists and psychotherapists know that family dysfunction is a problem with a long history. Families pass their habits, personality traits and traditions down, generation after generation. We acknowledge this when we say a child has "his grandfather's sense of humor" or "her grandmother's sweet disposition." A mom might say "he has my brother's bad temper" or dad opine that "Susie is moody, like my mother."

"Families repeat themselves within and across generations." writes NWU Professor Kathleen Galvin. "Members become caught up in predictable but often unexamined life patterns which are created, in part, through their interactions with others." How do these family characteristics, habits and attributes get passed down?

Early imprinting

Even before we're born, we begin learning about love and family. Research shows that babies learn to recognize familiar voices and respond to emotions and time schedules even while still in the womb. Babies are born totally focused on the familiar voices, heartbeats, and body scents they learned to recognize while still in the womb. At birth, we are already relating to the other family members who surround us - parents, siblings and extended family members. Before we know who we are as individuals, we learn how to be a part of the family. Before we have the ability to evaluate and reason, we uncritically absorb everything that happens around us. As infant brain cells develop, they are influenced by the family environment, and our emotional responses are learned there. Whether the family is happy and healthy, cold and withdrawn, violent and hostile, or (like most families) somewhere in between, as small children we don't question whether it's right or wrong. Whatever goes on behind the doors of home is what a child accepts as "the way it is."

Children learn from observation and imitation. Before the age of five, when a child begins to develop the ability to think objectively and abstractly, each child is a very impressionable observer of the world around him, which is mostly family. The naive child accepts that whatever goes on within the family is "normal" - or rather, he really doesn't understand that anything else exists.

The most poignant and unforgettable example of this I ever saw was a local newspaper article about a little boy who was taken from his family by Child Protective Services for neglect and abuse. His family was charged with abusing him by keeping him in a coffin-sized box, and only allowing him out for brief periods, such as meals. The boy was routinely taken to a group home while the case was being investigated. When the boy was introduced to the other children in the home, he wanted to know where their boxes were. He had nothing to use as a comparison, so he believed all children would have the same experience.

Family rules

Each child struggles to find a way to succeed in the family environment. Perhaps the unspoken (but easily observable in action) rules in the family say that the angriest person gets what he wants, or the person who suffers most gets the attention, or the family member who is the least demanding gets praised. These "rules" can vary widely from family to family. Perhaps there is one "golden child" who gets all the attention and perks, or perhaps the boys are favored, having to do little, while the girls do all the chores. In some families, one child is designated the "smart one", while another is the "pretty one" or the "clumsy", "stupid" or "hopeless" one. Children in such environments soon learn that they will be cast in these roles anyway, so they find ways to take advantage of whatever benefits they can find. If you're the "clumsy" child, and you get a lot of attention and sympathy for being awkward, it's almost impossible to resist the expectations that you'll stumble and knock things over. Before long, you begin to believe the designation is true. In my work supervising counseling interns for a center that deals with many children and families referred by the court or school, these unspoken rules become obvious very quickly.

These pressures distort the child's view of himself, and also his social interactions, and even his understanding of what love, communication and emotions are. These apparent "truths" and ways of surviving or succeeding in the environment are learned at a very deep, subconscious level, and remain with us into adulthood.

To illustrate generational heritage family systems expert Virginia Satir, used this story in her workshops and her book Peoplemaking:

Once a woman was preparing dinner, and her husband, watching, asked,"Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you bake it?"

"My mother always did it this way."

He knew better than to comment further, but he one day asked his mother in law. "Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you bake it?"

"My mother always did it this way."

Luckily, the grandmother was still living, so he had a chance to ask her: "Why do you cut the ends off the ham before you bake it?"

"My roasting pan is too small."

Silly as it may sound, many family traditions and interactions are passed on in just this way. Grandparents or parents may have had a good reason for their actions, but the children, not knowing the reason, are imprinted with the behavior, and dutifully follow through, without examining whether that tradition is appropriate to current conditions. For example, when one generation is traumatized by an apocalyptic event, such as the Holocaust in Germany, Poland and surrounding areas, the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, the communist takeover of China, pre Civil War slavery and postwar segregation of African Americans or the Great Depression here in America, the results of their trauma can be seen in their children and even their grandchildren. Fear of authority figures (such as soldiers or police) may be passed down for generations, even though the grandchildren of the traumatized individuals have no bad experiences with people in uniforms. Or, penny-pinching and food hoarding may become a family trait for a family that endured harsh poverty during the depression; and persist even after that family becomes financially very comfortable.

Other trauma gets passed down, also. Studies of prisoners incarcerated for violent crimes show an overwhelming percentage of them experienced violence in childhood. Whenever I work with clients who are survivors of abuse, checking into the past reveals that the abusive parent or grandparent was abused, or witnessed abuse, in his or her own past. Alcoholism is often a multi- generational family trait. The same holds true with sexual trauma, such as molestation or incest. These problems are passed down in the family in much the same way that cooking styles and holiday celebrations become traditions. Whether functional or dysfunctional, the behavior, attitudes and communication styles of the parents are passed down to the children.

Blame is not necessary

Most of my clients do not want to spend time blaming their parents for problems they have in their lives. Many of them feel protective toward their parents, who often struggled to make it through each day. We do not look at dysfunctional patterns in order to blame anyone, but to better understand our often inexplicable reactions and habits. Knowing where we learned certain behaviors, how they worked, and the beliefs we developed as children in the dysfunctional atmosphere can make it much easier to change and correct problem thinking and behavior.

When clients are struggling to understand how they can identify the mistakes their parents made without blaming the parents, I use the following metaphor.

Deadly ignorance

At the turn of the century, before much was known about bacteria and viruses, many children died of diphtheria, a deadly disease frequently borne in contaminated water. Parents could easily have given their children the water that was fatal to them, without knowing. In this case, we needn't blame the parents, but the ignorance, for the damage to the children.

Family dysfunction is similar. Parents are often ignorant of the damage they're inflicting on children through criticism, severe punishment, or neglect. In most cases, my clients' abusive and neglectful parents were treating their children better than they had been treated themselves.

Child and spouse abuse is nothing new. Readers of history know that until relatively recently, violence, rape and incest were acceptable (at least overlooked, often encouraged) conduct within families. As with slavery, marriage and parenthood were social institutions that gave some people absolute power over others. Until we acknowledge that fact, and the related fact that we are changing our definitions of acceptable family behavior, we will never fully understand the cycles of incest and violence that we are now attempting to break.

Modern terminology often ignores these facts. Words such as:

1. Perpetrator - seen as the "criminal" - the one who commits the act. This does not acknowledge that almost every perpetrator is also an abuse survivor.

2. Dysfunctional Families - seen as "bad parents" - familial groupings struggling with addiction, violence and unhealthy relationship dynamics. The struggle of the adults involved to overcome their own abusive histories is often not recognized.

3. Adult Survivors of Incest/Abuse - seen as "the victim" - the abused child, now grown up. His or her powerlessness and unconscious participation in the family dysfunction is either excused or condemned, when it could be explored as a basis for learning.

4. Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families - also seen as "victims", and the only group being encouraged to re-define the family in healthier terms. Most ACDF's don't understand the social revolution that's necessary to truly heal and redefine the family process.

In a society that wants to point fingers at a "villain"; pity the "victim" and insist on "instant solutions"; it is easier to call abuse and incest "criminal acts" and put all our energy on finding and punishing the perpetrator than to take an honest look at the social values and historical dynamics that create both villain and victim. It is easier for the survivors of dysfunction and abuse to blame those who were supposed to be in charge, than it is to look at their own patterns, take responsibility, and correct them.

To effectively solve the problems, we must see:

5. The denial and secrecy that result in shaming and victimizing survivors to such an extent that they "forget" they were abused and live mystified, pain-filled lives, until one day their devastating memories suddenly erupt.

6. The pain and terror of "perpetrators", who feel out of control, worthless, and desperate enough to "act out" what they cannot heal or often even remember.

7. The helplessness and confusion of families who are living the only lives they know, blindly re-enacting history or fearfully repressing feelings, and unconsciously maiming themselves and their children in the process.

8. Guilt is paralyzing, so when we insist on placing blame we ensure the perpetuation of the very problem we so despise.

Is the situation hopeless, then? Are we doomed to repeat history forever? Not if we learn from it. What relief there is in realizing that we've not just sunk to new depths, but we're just dragging ourselves out of the mire of the past! How much easier it is for perpetrators and survivors alike to find the energy to learn new behavior and heal old wounds when they recognize the long history of the problems. Becoming aware that the cycle has been self-perpetuating, with variations, for centuries, handed down from great-grandparent, to grandparent, to parent to child empowers us to do the dual work of breaking the old cycle and simultaneously healing old wounds and learning not to pass them on.

"Memories, good or bad," wrote socially conscious psychiatrist Thomas Szasz in Heresies, "cannot be removed as if they were art objects or useless pieces of junk...the way to forget X is by learning Y, and the way to achieve superior skill in forgetting (what one wants to forget) is not by practicing the art of forgetting (since there is no such art), but by practicing the art of learning." To expunge the old, destructive behavior we must learn the truth:

9. Child and spousal abuse and incest is not new, but handed down from generation to generation.

10. In the continuous abuse cycle, it is not possible to distinguish victims from perpetrators - the abused of one generation is the abuser of the next.

11. Only education and information, including specific instruction about healthy family intimacy, will heal the problem.

12. To heal, it is necessary to face the truth, which is usually preserved in old, repressed feelings. Releasing and acknowledging the old feelings creates room for new learning.

And so it goes. There is no doubt that we are influenced, and that sometimes the events that shaped us are mindlessly repeated despite circumstances that have changed.

Perception and personality are also influential. One child may feel defeated and helpless in response to the same event that energizes and mobilizes a brother or sister. A granddaughter may feel accepted and supported by her grandmother, though her mother always felt rejected and misunderstood by the very same woman.

The task for all of us is to rise above the issues and wounds of childhood; becoming truly adult, autonomous, able to govern ourselves and our responses to those around us:

13. We can use our inbred gifts of intelligence and spirit to spell out new ways of relating to those who cannot effectively relate to us;

14. We can work together to change what was to what might have been;

15. We can become self-nurtured enough to be truly charitable;

16. Thus, we can learn to give without requiring return.

To accomplish this, it is necessary to identify and understand what dysfunction (whether severe or mild) was present in your childhood, to decide to take responsibility for your life now, and to resolve old pain and change old ideas and behaviors. The purpose of this book is to show you how to accomplish all of this and reclaim your life.

Identifying dysfunction

So, how do you identify the dysfunction in your early family? In therapy, we often use a tool called a genogram, which is a map of the behaviors, strengths, weaknesses and problems in your family. Genograms are used by therapists, researchers and clients to better understand the history and patterns of the family. Standard genograms can be quite complicated, using various symbols, such as squares for men and circles for women, and indicating relationship connections with dotted, single or double lines to indicate whether the people are distant, close or enmeshed, and jagged lines to indicate abusive connections.

In the following exercise I have simplified the genogram process to help you create a simplified map of your own family history, which you can use to identify both your own behaviors and also the kinds of people you tend to choose for relationships.

Exercise: mapping your family

You'll need a pen or black marker, a pad of regular lined paper, a large board or piece of newsprint or butcher paper, and some colored markers.

1. On the pad, make a list of every member of your family, going back to your great-grandparents if possible. Once your list is made, organize it in rows on the larger paper, with plenty of space between each name, like this:

great-grandmother (name)
great-grandfather (name)
great-grandmother (name)
great-grandfather (name)
(etc.)

Great Aunt (name)
Grandmother (name)
Grandfather (name)
Great Uncle (name)

Aunt (name)
Uncle (name)
Mother (name)
Father (name)
Aunt (name)
Uncle (name)

Cousin (name)
Cousin (name)
Sister (name)
Yourself
Brother (name)
Cousin (name)
ousin (name)

2. Once you have included everyone you know in your family on your chart, write characteristics of each person under his or her name. Include good and bad traits. For example, under "Father" you might write: sense of humor, hard worker, smoker, bad temper, overweight, overbearing, loving. Include such problems as abusive, vain, intelligent, alcoholic, money problems, workaholic, unfaithful or dishonest where they fit.

3. Using colored markers, underline the traits you like in whatever color you like best, and underline the traits you don't like in another color.

When you're done, put your chart away for at least a day. After a break from it, take it out again and take a fresh look at it.

Analysis: how much dysfunction?

4. Do you see recurring traits in family members? Draw a circle around those traits.

5. Can you follow any traits down through the generations? If so, draw lines connecting them.

6. Identify which traits have passed down to you, and draw a circle around them in a different color.

When you have completed this analysis, you'll have a sense of how much function and/or dysfunction exists in your family, how far back it goes (although it undoubtedly extends back farther than this chart,) and how it has passed down to you.

Your family legacy may seem overwhelming when you first look at it, but you'll find, as you read through the rest of the book, that this information is exactly what you need to begin the process of changing yourself and re-claiming your life. Armed with this knowledge you can free yourself from whatever part of your family patterns you wish, and create the life and the relationships you want. The power is yours.

If, in the course of doing the previous exercises, you realize you have intense feelings toward one or several of your family members, you may want to do the following exercise to express and clear up some of those feelings.

Love Letter Exercise

Writing has a powerful effect on your emotional state. The following exercise is designed to help you fully express feelings that may have lain dormant for a long time, or may be too intense and jumbled for your to process effectively. You'll find it helpful in expressing what you feel, especially if you're having difficulty letting go, forgiving, grieving for or being appropriately angry at someone.

Important: This letter is not designed to be mailed to anyone. After you write it, you may decide to write another appropriately adjusted for the other person to read. The point of this is to let your feelings out, uncensored and unedited. Begin by expressing your anger, resentment and blame and allow yourself to move through the other levels until you get down to the love.

You may find your feelings begin pouring out as you write. If so, just go with what you feel. If you get stuck or confused, using the following suggested lead-in phrases may help you.

1. Anger and blame
      I don't like it when.............
      I resent...........
      I hate it when
      I'm fed up with.......
      I'm tired of...........

2. Hurt and sadness
      I feel sad when......
      I feel hurt because.......
      I feel awful because........
      I feel disappointed because...........

3. Fear and insecurity
      I feel afraid..........
      I'm afraid that..............
      I feel scared because..............
      I don't understand..........

4. Guilt and responsibility
      I'm sorry that.......
      I'm sorry for........
      Please forgive me for.........
      I didn't mean to...........

5. Love, forgiveness, understanding and desire
      I love you because...........
      I love when..........
      Thank you for.........
      I understand that........
      I forgive you for.........
      I want...............

If, as you write this letter, you find that memories of previously suppressed traumatic events arise, you may need to get some help from a counselor or therapist. Detailed instructions for how to find an appropriate counselor are in chapter five.

Viewing the dysfunction in your family so clearly may be uncomfortable, and bring up anger or sadness. Don't let it discourage you. You have just begun a discovery process that will allow you to grow out of the dysfunction and create the life you want.

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Copyright © 2003 Tina Tessina

Tags: Personal Growth

About the Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., has twenty years of experience as a licensed marriage and family counselor. She is the author of seven books, including: The Real Thirteenth Step: Discovering Confidence, Self-Reliance and Autonomy Beyond the Twelve Step Programs, Gay Relationships: How to Find Them, How To Improve Them, How to Make Them Last and Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She co-authored (with Riley K. Smith) How to Be a Couple and Still be Free and True Partners A Workbook for Developing Lasting Intimacy. Dr. Tessina has appeared on national TV and radio shows including: Oprah, Donahue, Dateline: NBC and Larry King Live. More