Stepping Through the Crack in the Door

Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle : Honest Conversations About Sexual Integrity (The Every Man Series)
by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey

(Page 2 of 2)

Chapter 1

Stepping Through the Crack in the Door

I stood silently in the dark upper hallway, frozen by fear as I peered intently into the light slipping through the crack of Jasen's bedroom door. He sat in the middle of the floor, focused tightly on the Game Boy he was playing. I knew something he didn't… a man with wild, desperate eyes was quietly sneaking up behind him to shatter his peaceful evening.

That man would be me, his father.

Oh, he is having so much fun… I won't disturb him now. I'll come by tomorrow night instead, I reasoned to myself. That sounded like the best course of action. So good, in fact, that I'd followed that line of reasoning four nights in a row already.

Dallying in the darkness, I realized that sooner or later I was going to have to make my move. Just how many times could I sneak up the hallway, peek into his room, only to slip back down the stairs into the warmth of the family room without making a sound? And besides, just what was I going to do about that faint but unmistakable odor following me with every step? I smelled a sissy lurking about.

Yes, that's right. Me again. Would I ever go into Jasen's room and have our talk?

I was scared-a big, fat yellow-bellied chicken. How do you discuss puberty with an eleven-year-old boy? I sure didn't know how, and I wasn't too anxious to learn, either. But I knew I was going to give it a try sooner or later. I had to.

I thought back to what had happened a year before on a clear, warm summer night.

Forty-four guys climbed wearily onto a bus one midnight, and we rolled in the darkness toward Boulder, Colorado, for a stadium-style two-day Christian seminar.

Greg Laurie opened the seminar that Friday evening with a salvation message.

While I'd been saved years ago, I was still struggling with some deep issues regarding my relationship with a dominant father. I'd been praying that God would give me some answers during the trip out west, but I figured I'd have to wait for some speaker the next day to deliver the goods. Not some hip preacher from Southern California doing an altar call before a packed house at Folsom Field on the campus of the University of Colorado.

But Greg quoted Revelation 3:20 as one of his texts that night: "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." And then, while referencing this verse, he made a simple statement in the middle of his talk that just blew me away.

"God just wants to put His arm around you and have a steak with you," he said. In that moment, God's revelation hit me like a comet.

God wants to put His arm around me and cut into a juicy steak with me? You're probably scratching your head and thinking, What gives? What's the big deal with that? All I can tell you is that when that sentence was mixed with God's power into my spirit, years of pain, agony, and frustration over my dad began to crumble and melt away instantly. My heavenly Father saw me as His son, and He didn't care a whit about what I achieved or what I did or if I were successful. All He really wanted was a relationship with me, a chance to just sit down with me, put an arm around me, and have a barbecue steak with me. I didn't have to prove myself. I had real value already.

And you know what? From that moment, it seemed like every other one of my significant relationships changed too. As far as I was concerned, the seminar could have ended right there with Greg Laurie's talk, and it would have been well worth the long bus ride across six hundred miles of farmland and open range.

But one of the most electric, emotional experiences of my life happened the very next night. As the strains of the last worship song echoed off and died against the Rocky Mountains that shadowed over us, the host introduced the next speaker, Dr. James Dobson, the president and founder of Focus on the Family. I knew that Dr. Dobson accepted only one or two public speaking invitations a year, so I knew what I was about to receive would be a special gift. But I had no idea how special.

As the sun fell deeply behind the jagged mountains and the darkness of the night settled in, James Dobson stepped onto the stage. Fifty-two thousand men stood and cheered for upward of ten minutes-I'd never seen anything like it. My emotions flooded over every bank. I suddenly realized in that moment that nearly everything I knew about being a husband and a father had come from James Dobson.

It was as if my own cherished grandfather had stepped out on stage, a grandfather who had taught me everything he knew because he loved me so. I was beaming, cheering wildly, yet tears of pride just poured from my eyes. What a moment.

Dr. Dobson was funny, poignant, and wise with his words, but I'll never forget his final statement: "God only gives us so many times to go fishing with our kids… so don't miss a one of them. Thank you." He smiled to thunderous applause, and then he disappeared behind the stage.

I was still basking in the glow of that conference a week or so later as I poked through the aisles at a Christian bookstore. I stumbled across James Dobson's pocket paperback Preparing for Adolescence, and remembering that special weekend, I picked it up and thumbed through it. The book had been a classic since its release fifteen years before, and though I thought I had read everything Dr. Dobson had written, somehow I'd still never gotten to this book. I bought a copy and took it with me on a flight to Dallas the next day. A short, captivating read, Preparing for Adolescence was easily finished on the return flight home.

Closing the book, I quietly laid it on the tray table and shut my eyes. I was pumped. What a great book this would be to read with Jasen someday! I bought him his own copy so that we could go through the book together when it was time for me to explain puberty and the "facts of life."

One great night in Boulder and one great read on a plane… and nearly a year passed until I figured that it was time for me to follow through on my great idea.

That's when my troubles in the hallway began, the botched nights stacking up on each other. Up the stairs, up the hall, down the hall, down the stairs, over and over again.

And now tonight, for the fifth night running, I stood in the dark hallway, sweat beading my brow and moist fingers gripping two small books. My heart was pounding, and my mind was racing. Would I go in?

Dr. Dobson's voice seemed to be whispering, "Go on in! Your son needs you!"

Jesus' voice seemed to whisper, "Haven't I asked you to train up this precious little boy? I'm counting on you, my friend." In my other ear, though, I listened to the whispers of doubt. I also knew that if I didn't follow through, my wife, Brenda, would only shudder and mercifully say, "Did you chicken out again?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so."

"I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to do it."

At least your intentions are good, I said to myself.

But in the end, good intentions didn't turn the tide for me. It was my nose that tipped the scales in that dimly lit moment. I couldn't stand that sissy smell in my nostrils. It's now or never. I'm going in!

With my shaky courage covering my solid trepidation, I marched right into Jasen's room. Slightly startled, Jasen looked up from his game. With a smile, I handed him his copy of the book, expecting a deep, resigned sigh as it dawned on him that Dad was enacting another "plan."

Settling down onto his bed, I opened my copy and said, "Jasen, I know this might feel a little uncomfortable, but you will soon be entering a very interesting period of development."

"Oh yeah?" he responded. "I've heard of that. It's called perverty, right?"

With much effort, I suppressed a laugh. "Well, it's actually called puberty, Son." I paused and then chuckled. "But actually, your word might be a better fit, come to think of it." Out of the mouths of babes, you know?

Pushing ahead, I proceeded, "Anyway, puberty is going to be bringing a lot of physical changes in you. You know how Uncle Brent is always tickling you and checking for 'grass' under your arms? Well, the grass is about to start sprouting.

And you'll be getting a beard, and you'll have to start shaving like me, if you can believe it."

His eyes lit up at that one.

"But there will also be mental and emotional changes, Jace. It is hard for me to put those into words exactly. For instance, you'll likely soon experience more peer pressure from your friends, and you might even care more about your friends' opinions than mine for a while. And because all the other kids are going to be going through this and trying to find their way through it too, you'll likely also face embarrassments and hurts as you go through puberty. I just want to prepare you for it, Son, so you aren't caught off-guard."

I paused, waiting for the dreaded sigh and the roll of his eyes. Instead came the shocker.

"Dad, I really think it's good that we're going to read this book together, especially right now," he said.

Dumbfounded, I could only stare at him. I couldn't believe my ears. Unable to muster a cohesive thought in that moment, I eventually blurted, "Why?"

"Well, I've been kind of scared lately."

Scared? My son? "Scared about what, Son?" I asked, perplexed.

"It's just that it's been harder and harder for me to say no to my friends lately. I've been kind of scared-it's been harder for me to stand up to them."

A humbled quiet covered me and misted my eyes. Jasen was hurting and needing to hear from me. That made me even more determined to get him the ball-to make a clean hand-off.

Excerpted from Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey Copyright © 2003 by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey. Excerpted by permission of WaterBrook Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

About the Author

Stephen Arterburn is founder and chairman of New Life Clinics, host of the daily New Life Live! national radio program, creator of the Women of Faith Conferences, a nationally known speaker, and the best-selling author of more than two dozen books.

Fred Stoeker is coauthor of the best-selling Every Man series. He is founder and chairman of Living True Ministries and a conference speaker who has counseled hundreds of men and married couples. Fred and his wife, Brenda, live in Iowa with their four children.

Mike Yorkey is the author, coauthor, or general editor of several books for men, including Daddy's Home and The Christian Dad Answer Book.