Introduction

The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin: The New Sexual Revolution
by Wendy Keller

This book is not about not having sex - it's about making sex a conscious choice. It's about a woman's right to choose... her sexuality."

Sex... it isn't just for playtime anymore!

Millions of single Americans are living secret sex lives and nobody's talking about it - until now. These cutting-edge singles are (sshhh!) celibate! That's right. But why would any reasonable person voluntarily give up sex? Author Wendy Keller discovered: "The people I interviewed chose to give up sex unless and until they found a relationship worth investing in. They used extra time, energy and brain space to build careers or businesses, to get in shape physically or financially, or to heal from lost loves. Basically, it's used to put their lives together." They have decided to "keep their knees together and change their lives."

Keller believes the movement she calls "the cult of the born-again virgins" is gaining momentum because so many people are burned out by meaningless sex. The millions rallying to this call are recognizing that in the rush of the thirty years of sexual revolution, some part of women's souls got trampled.

"When a woman lays down on the bed," Keller writes, "she's usually laying down some part of her heart, whether she wants to or not. She has expectations. She has hopes. The quickest way to dash those hopes is to screw around with Mr. Almost-Right. If you're in the wrong bed, you'll miss out on Mr. Right when he walks past because you are too emotionally embroiled in leaving your bad current relationship to recognize the good things that are passing you by."

"It's like starting with a clean slate," Keller said. "And why not? Why not change your life starting today by choosing celibacy? I look around and I see people hurting. I see the astronomical divorce rate - I'm part of that statistic. I see the heaps of broken hearts. It doesn't have to be like this. I believe that change starts with the individual standing up for what's good and right for themselves in their own life."

The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin is about women reclaiming their feminine souls by reclaiming their bodies. Whether a woman is already committed to cherishing her heart by cherishing her body, or whether she's just beginning to explore this possibility, she will know that she is not alone. You'll will meet women who once thought voluntarily giving up sex was ludicrous, but who later found it actually leads to amazing strength.

In The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin, Wendy Keller explores how to replace bitterness, loneliness or despair with personal power, confidence, fulfillment, contentment and joy. Whatever a woman's reason for choosing celibacy, these pages pave the way to for healing from the residual pain of love gone wrong and discovering true fulfillment and inner peace.

It all began at a glitterati dinner party in the chic part of Philadelphia. A cluster of women, all wearing shapeless haute couture satin dresses our mothers would have worn as negligees, were sipping white wine and talking about men and sex. It was getting a little late. We were holding the last sparkling remnants of the party in our eyes.

Allison, who in real life is a nationally renowned special events consultant, volunteered that it had been almost nine months since she'd had sex with anyone. The other women cried out with laughter and disbelief. "No, honest," she insisted, "I'm a born-again virgin!" We laughed at her clever joke, but in the weeks that followed, I heard women everywhere repeating the phrase. I heard it in a café in Manhattan and I heard it again in the famous Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills. "Born-again virgin." For me, it had been one husband, three kids and plenty of close male friends since I'd lost mine, and I wondered what these women meant. The idea intrigued me.

So I began asking. "Is it really possible to reclaim your virginity, that 'precious gift' your mom wanted you to save for your wedding night?" "Why?" "What does it mean to you?" "What could it mean to you?" "How could one accomplish this?" "Would being a virgin help you get a better guy-or keep the jerks and dolts away?" I asked women these questions, and I listened to their answers. As I asked, I found a surprisingly large number of single women who either were or had been what I call "born-again virgins" (BAVs). I heard fascinating stories from females just like you and me who got tired of wedding rings being hastily stuffed in trouser pockets and the meat markets and the singles scene and throwing on their wrinkled cocktail clothes and creeping out at dawn to wait by the phone for three weeks.

I heard women announcing their celibacy and/or their abstinence, or discussing the length of time they wait to "do it" with a new guy, how long they "check him out" first and what effect all this has on relationships. It was amazing. I had to learn more.

I heard stories from now-celibate women who at last gave up on him ever leaving his wife. I heard stories from other born-again virgins who gave up on him ever deciding what he really does want is a wife and kids. What I expected was bitterness and loneliness. What I found was power and joy, even financial success. It's compelling stuff.

These brave new women, these born-again virgin goddesses, are not a group of closet lesbians. They are not man-haters or ugly and fat and old. For the most part, the women I interviewed about their sexuality were under forty-five, not more than ten pounds above "normal" weight (like most of us), as sensual and lusty as any of us, reasonably attractive, and mostly highly educated and particularly successful in their careers.

They decided to get off the hamster wheel of dating and sex and relationships and said, "I'm waiting for what I want, because I am worth waiting for." Curiously, in every single case, every woman who had chosen to find herself an interesting man since her personal declaration and return to virginhood believes she has attracted a "higher-quality man."

Finding a higher-quality man isn't the only reason women are choosing readmission to virginity. I learned that becoming a BAV isn't about "saving yourself" for some man who may or may not show up or who might appreciate you when he does. In many cases, women chose virginity to create peace in their lives, or to attain a higher level of self-actualization, or to achieve a sense of inner balance, to return to core values, or to explore more deeply their own spirituality. They did it to make more free time. Some wanted to make money by focusing on growing their business or career or to start a charity with their newfound strength and sense of purpose. One famous BAV did it to build a world empire! They all did it to get in touch with their creative selves, to gather up energy for a life transition, to heal from losses. There were all sorts of reasons and all sorts of benefits. It's fascinating stuff.

It didn't take more than a few of these conversations for me to decide to try it myself. I rationalized that it wasn't like I was vowing to enter a convent and there would be no going back, but I found when I chose not to focus on the fulfillment of my sexual urges, parts of myself I didn't even know I had flowered. My relationships with all males deepened. When I decided to live my life without being wrapped around a penis, I found a whole transcendent sense of freedom and power, and I experienced true womanhood and victory far beyond my wildest fantasies.

In her book Rich Is Better, Tessa Albert Warschaw sums up the state of "manlessness" this way, reminding us, "We've bought into the myth that it's a Noah's Ark world, that an uncoupled woman is as useless as a leftover sock." If you think about it, there are many ways to form "people units" in our society. A male-female couple is only one of many. It's not the most common (mother-child is); it's not necessarily the most rewarding; it's not the only one capable of providing us with a fulfilling, interesting private life. But Dr. Warschaw is right about the way some women feel about being alone. Worse, the sense of feeling odd, lonely or left out when alone creates actual guilt in women who have been exposed to the prolific media on how "alone doesn't have to mean lonely." Have we ever stopped to think about why we allow ourselves to feel guilt over this?

The BAVs I interviewed had vibrant, multifaceted relationships with many people. These women weren't lonely. They weren't sitting home with a cat and a book on Friday nights, eating pints of ice cream-unless they wanted to. This was a surprising and critical discovery in the quest to understand the rising Cult of the Born Again Virgin. But there are even more benefits!

Sometimes when I look at my children I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have stayed a virgin."

—Lillian Carter, 1898-1983, mother of former president Jimmy Carter

In this age of STDs and AIDS and a society that places such a low value on commitment to marriage and monogamy, becoming a born-again virgin makes sense for a lot of women. It makes good sense to women who are just plain sick and tired of the games. It is the most logical choice for women who never really grieved their divorce or past relationship and who suspect that residual pain might be what drives their sexual and relationship choices now. For women who need to boost their self-esteem, becoming a BAV can be a critical key. It might be right for women who sense that something is missing and who don't think that missing piece is phallic.

Celibacy makes sense to women who are mature enough and ready to say "Sure, Prince Charming would be nice. But I'm going to live my life fully, and live it for me and on my terms for now. And if he comes along, fine." And if he doesn't, well, that's fine, too. My observation is you've got a heck of a lot greater chance of finding Mr. Right when your raging hormones aren't encouraging you to say yes to any six-and-a-half-inch-long "prize" that's being offered.

In this book, you'll read about Allison, who sparked this idea at the cocktail party, and how amazing her life is now. You'll be introduced to a few of the thousands of women across this country who hear the rallying cry in their souls. I suspect you will be tempted by their power.

For those already committed to cherishing their hearts by cherishing their own bodies, this book will serve you like a chat with your best girlfriend and will validate that you are not alone. For women just beginning to explore the power of this option, this book will be your looking glass and you'll be Alice. In this book, you'll see how the choice to make sex a choice again, instead of par for the course in dating relationships, empowers women to value their strength as women, their femininity, their contribution to a relationship, and their sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

You'll hear stories of how women sanctified themselves and set themselves aside for greater purposes in their lifetime. You'll meet women who without any religion at all found a resounding level of spiritual growth as a result of their decision. You'll be introduced to your long-lost girlfriends who found their men through the clarity of chastity and are living happily ever after to prove it.

In these pages, you'll meet women just like you who at one time thought the concept of voluntarily forfeiting sex was ludicrous but who later found it leads to amazing strength. Through the voices of your new friends, you will find answers to those questions that have been in the back of your mind for so long.

"Will guys still date me if I say no?"

"But I love sex! What about that?"

"Every guy I meet turns out to be a jerk! Where have all the nice guys gone?"

"But I'm in my sexual prime. I have to have it, don't I?"

"What do men think when a woman refuses?"

"Maybe I need some time off from dating. Will that be too weird?"

"How can I make him wait until I decide if I really want to get involved?"

"Isn't this an old-fashioned idea? Or some sort of religious thing?"

"Do I owe it to him? Does he think I do?"

"If I could just find more time in my life, I'd. . . ."

"What if I'm the only woman in the world who wishes saying 'No, thanks' was easier?"

And many more. Because this book isn't about not having sex. It's about choosing if you will have sex, and with whom, and when. It's about a woman's right to choose-in more ways than one. It's about making the choice not to have it for a while (or a lifetime) perfectly cool.

In our headlong rush for independence, I suspect in some ways we've sold out as a gender. Like our mothers warned us, maybe men really don't go around buying cows when they are getting the milk for free. (Who wants to be a cow, anyway?) And while we all hold high the banner of feminism, as I know we must, somewhere in the frenzy of revolution some part of our souls has gotten trampled.

This book is about reclaiming your soul by reclaiming your body. Come visit with your sisters who are already members of the Cult of the Born-AgainVirgin. You just might find you want to stay a while.

Wendy Keller
Malibu, California
February 1999

© 1999 Health Communications, Inc.

About the Author

WENDY KELLER formerly worked as a professional newspaper and magazine journalist. A frequent public speaker with media savvy, she has appeared on numerous television programs, radio shows and authored dozens of magazine interviews. At thirty-four, she has been single again for the past five years. When introduced to the "Born-Again Virgin" phenomenon at a dinner party, she became intrigued and began to research it. Her findings, combined with her own experiences as a "Born-Again Virgin," resulted in The Cult of the Born-Again Virgin. Wendy Keller lives and works in Malibu, California.