Prologue

The Dark Night of Recovery: Conversations from the Bottom of the Bottle
by Edward Bear

Follow this inspiring work as it shows you what it feels like to "hit the wall" or "hit bottom" on a spiritual path, and find insight on how to move forward toward a better life. Probe the darkness, the despair and the joy that are inherent in the quest for enlightenment and self-knowing.

Though focused mainly on issues relating to recovery from various kinds of addictions, the principles presented in this tale hold true for all spiritual journeys.

The story of The Dark Night of Recovery is in the form of an ongoing dialogue between a relative newcomer to recovery (Lawyer Bob) and an old-timer (Tyler) who meet every two weeks to discuss life and turmoil and love and lust and everything else. Each of the twelve chapters deals with one of the Twelve Steps, using the wisdom of the Tao, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Winnie the Pooh, Yoda, Thomas Merton and many others. Follows Bob as he struggles through personal and spiritual problems, trying to apply the principles he is learning. At the end of the twelve sessions, Bob has acquired a few more skills to apply to the art of living one day at a time.

Prologue

Most everybody knew old Tyler. He's been hanging around the Westside Alano club for as long as anyone could remember. Had a face looked like somebody forgot to water it; dry as an old boot, road-mapped with wrinkles, the face of a man who'd spent a good deal of time looking at horizons.

Lawyer Bob was the guy who wore the Armani suits, had the House on the Hill, the Big Job. Had it all. Everybody figured him for Mister Success. Huh. Little did they know. He had a hole in his life the size of a suitcase. Bob was the one told me the story about how he and Tyler got together a year or so ago when Bob was having all that trouble. Anyway, he went to Tyler because he figured that anyone with thirty years in recovery out to have some answers. First thing Tyler told him was he didn't have any answers. First thing, like he was reading his mind. Then he went on.

"Sounds like you're about to enter the dark part of the forest. The part where the real work begins. You ready to go back school?"

"I did the steps already," said Bob.

"Good. Once more won't hurt. And try not to be defensive. I'm on your side."

I'm not being defensive."

You're being defensive," said Tyler. "Trust me on this; I know defensive when I see it. Now, it would seem that the preliminary work is done - you have hit bottom sober. Very important. And now you are about to enter the Dark Night, the Great Desert, where you will either fall by the wayside and die, go mad, or survive and experience real recovery."

Thoer are the only choices?"

"All spiritual journeys contain elements of death and transfiguration. Recovery's no different. It's just part of the deal."

"Sounds like major surgery," said Bob.

True. But the alternative is to stop growing and join those who linger in that gray limbo of semi-recovery, not drinking or using or feeding their other addictions, but not really living either, dispensing Advice and Tough Love to defenseless newcomers, glumly counting birthdays as if the sheer number might guarantee a certain amount of happiness. You want that?"

"No."

"You want to be free?"

"I want to be free."

"Good. We may be on to something here. How about we meet at your place every other Tuesday? Seven o'clock. You have a tape recorder?"

"Yeah."

"good. Get some tapes. Long ones."

Why tapes?"

"Mostly to humor an old man," said Tyler. "And someday you may want to remember what it was like. You may even want to tell somebody what it was like. It'll help you refresh your memory."

Bob said he tried to explain some of his numerous problems to Tyler that night, but Tyler wouldn't listen.

"You've just got one problem, counselor. You're addicted to a wide variety of things, most notably alcohol, and that addiction, that state of dis-ease, results in a pathological obsession with self, a condition needlessly prolonged by your desire to figure it out. Figure-it-out-ism is itself a disease nearly always fatal in advanced cases. Like yours. Often leads to what's-the-use-ism or poor-me-ism, both known to be terminal in addicts of all kinds. What you really have is a surrender problem."

"A surrender problem?"

"I'll explain later. For your first assignment, read up to page forty-five in the Big Book and explain what powerless means. Read Step One in the Twelve and Twelve. Read the House at Pooh Corner and write down the most important passage."

The House at Pooh Corner?"

"As in Winnie-the-Pooh," said Tyler.

"The most important passage in the whole book?"

"It's not War and Peace, Bob. It's just a little book. And read Chapter 71 in the Tao Te Ching and tell me how it relates to the First Step."

"Tyler…"

"And that's just the beginning. It's like life - the lessons just keep coming. Suit up and show up and be ready. And one other thing."

"Yeah?"

"Try smiling once in a while. It's just life. Far as I know, nobody's getting out of this thing alive. Might as well enjoy the journey. See you in two weeks?"

"I'll be there."

"And so will I. Fasten your seat belt, counselor; you are about to embark on the journey of your life."

Bob asked me if I'd transcribe the tapes, me being a writer and all. Two articles in the local paper and I'm a writer. Of course, I don't discourage the notion. So here they are - The Tyler Tapes (with only slight editing by yours truly). Bob says they saved his life. See what you think.

© 1999 Health Communications, Inc.

About the Author

Edward Bear was born in Brooklyn, NY and grew up in Los Angeles. His major influences are Winnie the Pooh, Eugene O'Neill, John Steinbeck, Meister Eckhart, T.S. Eliot, and Jacques Maritain, not necessarily in that order. He has published several fiction pieces in small literary magazines and a novel, Diamonds Are Trump. As a volunteer at a local hospice, he pushes the cocktail cart on Friday afternoons, delivering drinks to the terminally ill. Given his background and his tenuous relationship with alcohol and drugs, he sometimes thinks he hears a cosmic chuckle as he makes his rounds.