A Guide for the Partners of Incest Survivors

Ghosts in the Bedroom
by Ken Graber, M.A.

• As the partner of an incest survivor, do you feel like a neglected victim even though your life has been drastically affected by the aftermath of sexual abuse?

• Do you fee left out in the cold as you watch them go through recovery?

• Do you feel isolated or rejected, and think that no one else will understand your problems?

Although the impact of incest or sexual abuse can destroy relationships and test long-standing commitments, the information in this book may be the key to holding your relationship together through the journey to recovery.

Ghosts in the Bedroom provides comfort and guidance for partners in the process of recovery. Graber draws from personal experience to show how partners can accept responsibility for their own issues, support the recovery of the incest or sexual abuse survivor and work toward solving relationship problems together.

Chapter 1

Am I The Partner of An Incest Survivor?

If you are the partner of a sexual abuse survivor, you are not alone. Recent studies show that by the age of 18 one woman in three and one man in four has been sexually molested. It has been estimated that these statistics are law due to underreporting, especially for male victims. It is also known that these statistics are based on a definition of sexual molestation including only the most flagrant kinds of overt childhood sexual abuse.

Self-declared sexual abuse survivors also include those who were forced to hear or see others abused, exposed to pornography, involved in voyeurism or exhibitionism, verbally abused and raped or abused as adults. When the definition of sexual abuse is broadened to include these additional kinds of overt and covert sexual abuse, both child and adult, the number of survivors and the number of partners of survivors are significantly increased.

There has recently been a large increase in the literature available for sexual abuse survivors and the resources needed to assist their recovery Survivor support groups are also springing up in many communities. Although there are nearly as many partners as there are survivors, and although partners are significantly affected by the survivor's recovery process, there is almost no literature and little support for partners.

It is a confusing time for both partner and survivor when the survivor's memories begin to return. It is appropriate for the survivor who experienced the primary trauma to be in treatment, but the partner often has nowhere to turn. Partners cannot turn to survivors for support because the survivors are too busy with their own issues and it would be inappropriate for them to divert energy away from their recovery.

Some of the feelings that are natural for partners would be hurtful if expressed to the survivor. But suppressing their feelings is not healthy for partners either. Partners need their own support network so they can get healthy or stay healthy and be supportive of the survivor's recovery. Although friends may be willing to listen or offer support, they may not be helpful unless they also have knowledge of the issues for survivors and partners of survivors. The best solution is for partners to have their own program and their own group.

The largest group of survivors are females who are in relationships with male partners and who were abused by males. However sexual abuse survivors can be of either sex and any sexual orientation. So can their partners. Male partners may be in heterosexual relationships with female survivors or gay relationships with male survivors. Female partners may be in heterosexual relationships with male survivors or lesbian relationships with female survivors.

Regardless of these apparent differences, the commonality of experience and feelings for partners in all circumstances predominates The commonality for partners also spans the type of sexual abuse. All partners can find comfort and under standing whether the abuse was heterosexual or homosexual, whether there was incest, sexual abuse or rape, and no matter what age the abuse occurred or the current age of the survivor.

© 1991 Health Communications, Inc.