Part 1: After the Fall

Blessings from the Fall: Turning a Fall from Grace into a New Beginning
By Beverly Engel

This book is for all those who have experienced the horrible, shame-inducing experience of being publicly humiliated; having their reputation ruined, their good name irretrievably damaged; or being robbed of their dignity. It is for the successful man who causes an accident while driving drunk and seriously injures or kills the driver of the other vehicle; the woman who risks everything-her family, her home-for an illicit affair. It is also for and about people who devote their lives to helping others, advancing an ideal or furthering a worthy cause, but who, through careless action, jeopardize their reputation: the psychologist who becomes sexually involved with a patient; the alcoholic doctor who becomes careless and permanently disables a patient; the priest who sexually abuses a child.

There are few experiences as demoralizing, humiliating and painful as a fall from grace. You face two options: you can either allow your fall to destroy you and your family, or you can use it as the catalyst for achieving a whole new life. If you are in the midst of a fall, what you need now more than anything else is hope: hope that things will get better, hope for the future, hope for a second chance. Renowned recovery author Beverly Engel will give you this hope.

If you or someone you love has suffered a fall, this book will help you accept it and move forward to a new life of promise. Instead of yielding to the temptation to run away and hide in shame, you will learn what it takes to face things head-on. You will learn how to transform your life from shame and denial to recognition and self-awareness, and finally to acceptance and gratitude. You will understand how powerful and life-changing and positive-a fall from grace can be.

Part I

After the Fall

Falling from Grace

It was all happening in a great,
swooping free-fall, irreversible, free of decision,
in the full pull of gravity toward
whatever was to be.

— Laura Z. Hobson

If you have made mistakes . . .
there is always another chance for you . . .
you may have a fresh start any moment you choose,
for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.

— Mary Pickford

There are few experiences in life as demoralizing, humiliating and painful as falling from grace. For some, falling from grace is the horrible, shame-inducing experience of being publicly chastised or humiliated, having their reputation ruined, their good name irretrievably damaged and being robbed of their dignity. For others, it is falling off their pedestal after years of being admired, adored and emulated, or losing all they've worked for years to achieve-their financial status, their reputation, their very livelihood.

If you are reading this book, it may be because you have experienced firsthand this shame and/or disgrace, either personally or vicariously through a loved one. If so, you know the horrible all-pervasive shame that follows your every move, every minute of the day; the anguish of having your family humiliated; and the fear that more people will find out about it.

By its very definition, a fall from grace is usually caused by an error in judgment, a lack of impulse control or a misuse of power. But it can also include all those who have experienced a financial crisis and now must adjust to a different lifestyle; those who were once famous for their looks, physical power or celebrity but are no longer in favor; and those who have lost status due to a divorce. In short, a fall from grace is any situation that impacts people's lives in such a manner as to cause them to feel lowered in their own eyes and the eyes of others.

Blessings from the Fall is written for and about people who basically have good intentions and a good heart, ethical people who, much to their own shock and dismay, either break their own moral code of behavior, betray everything they stand for, disappoint those who have trusted them, or deeply hurt another human being. This book is for the dedicated mother who vowed never to abuse her children but in a fit of rage sends her child to the hospital; for the successful woman or man who is involved in an accident while driving drunk and seriously injures or kills the driver of the other vehicle; for the man or woman who risks everything-family and home, career-for an illicit affair.

It is also for and about people who devote their lives to helping others, or to the advancement of an ideal or a cause, but who, through careless action, jeopardize their reputations: the psychologist who becomes sexually involved with a patient; the alcoholic doctor who becomes careless and permanently disables a patient; the priest who sexually abuses a child.

Blessings from the Fall is also for those who have been hurt by such lapses: the wives of every husband discovered to be a philanderer, rapist or child molester; the parents and relatives of a child, grandchild or sibling who has been accused or convicted of a serious crime; the students of every popular teacher accused of sexual abuse or sexual harassment; the wife and congregation of every minister found to be "carrying on" with other women; every business owner who discovers a long-time, trusted employee embezzling funds-in short, everyone whose trust in someone important in his or her life has been shattered. All these people, the fallen and those affected by their fall, have lessons they can learn from the experience.

Last but not least, this book is also intended for psychotherapists, ministers, priests, social workers and health-care providers who work with those who have fallen and with their loved ones.

One Among Many

Unlike those who experience a trauma such as a major illness or accident, a person who falls from grace usually does not get the same kind of support and understanding from loved ones and the community. Because secrecy and shame are involved in most falls, you may find it difficult if not impossible to reach out to others. And although you are experiencing tremendous feelings of loss and grief, unlike those who experience the loss of a loved one, you probably haven't had much acknowledgment of that loss from others-particularly a public acknowledgment.

Although you probably feel more alone than you ever have in your entire life, the truth is you are not alone. There are thousands of others who are suffering the same humiliation and pain. Whether you have been dishonored or discredited because of scandal, bankruptcy, being fired or demoted from a job, or because you are no longer as young, beautiful or famous as you once were, you will find through reading this book that others have experienced similar feelings and have probably reacted in much the same ways that you have.

Among those you will meet: Andrea, a social worker who was fired from her job after an investigation following the death of a small boy on her caseload; Lili, a wealthy, middle-aged socialite who became involved with the wrong man; Melody, an aging beauty who was having a difficult time facing the fact that she was getting older. You'll also meet: Jim, a real-life Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-a loving husband and father one minute and a careless and angry philanderer the next; Marion, a psychologist who broke her code of ethics to become involved with a client; Adam, a surgeon accused of sexual harassment; Father Murphy, a priest who sexually abused a young boy in his parish; and Jack, who seriously injured two people in a traffic accident he caused while driving intoxicated.

These stories are real, although in most cases the names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the individuals' privacy. Many of these people were clients of mine who sought help after their fall. Some are friends and acquaintances who, after hearing I was writing this book, agreed to have their story told.

Some, like Michele Pillar Carlton, are famous people who had the courage to share their stories and allow me to use their real names. Some are highly publicized cases, like that of former American University president Richard Berendzen, who wrote his own story in his book, Come Here. All are people who want you to benefit from their experience.

Whether you are just now sticking your head up from the rubble of your personal collapse, well on your way to recovering from this trauma, or looking back on your fall from grace with the clearer perspective of someone who has weathered the storm and survived, Blessings from the Fall will be of benefit to you.

Types of Falls

Richard Nixon, O. J. Simpson, Mike Tyson, Richard Berendzen, Michael Jackson, Bob Packwood, Hugh Grant, Vanessa Williams, Marion Barry and Pete Rose all have something in common. They all experienced a fall from grace: the humiliation, shame and degradation of falling from their position in life to one far less prestigious because of something they did or were accused of doing. I call this a moral fall.

There are also less famous and less infamous people who have experienced the same plight. Many people have experienced a moral fall in one way or another-whether it was from having an affair and losing their spouse; from hitting bottom with their alcohol, drug, eating, gambling or sex addiction; or from going against their moral code in some way.

In addition to the moral fall, there are many other types of falls, including:

• A financial fall-bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of a business

• A legal fall-being sued, being arrested

• A career fall-being passed over or fired, losing an important account or case

• A relationship fall-divorce, losing a child custody battle

• An emotional or psychological fall-onset of aging, loss of beauty, confrontation by family concerning an addiction, admittance to a detox center, having a nervous breakdown

• A social fall-loss of status or celebrity (i.e., being asked to resign from a social club) caused by being involved in a scandal, a divorce, etc.

• A medical fall-serious illness or major accident, chronic illness or pain, being accident-prone, extreme lack of energy, extreme weight gain or weight loss

The Positive, Transformative Powers of a Fall

Although I'm sure it is hard to believe, good can come out of this seemingly bad situation. In fact, positive transformation can occur. In this book we are going to focus on the positive, transformative powers of such a fall: how a personal crisis of the soul can cause people to reevaluate, restructure and reinvent themselves. Throughout the book I will encourage you to perceive your fall from grace as an opportunity to learn about yourself in profound ways-to literally transform yourself into a better, healthier, fuller human being capable of becoming far more loving and compassionate toward others and yourself.

In the process, I will help you to learn to cope with the reality and consequences of your fall. Instead of yielding to the temptation to run away and hide in shame, you will learn what it takes to face things head on, first in order to discover why you've gotten yourself into this predicament, and then to face those you have hurt along the way.

As you follow Andrea, Lili, Max and others through their transformation from shame and denial to recognition and self-awareness, and finally to acceptance and gratitude, you will begin to understand how powerful and life-changing a fall from grace can be. Sometimes you will see yourself in these stories, other times you may say to yourself, "At least I didn't do that," or "There but for the grace of God go I." At all times, I hope you will recognize that this book was written for you.

You can allow your fall from grace to destroy you and your family or you can use it as the catalyst for achieving a whole new life. It is up to you.

What you need now more than anything else is hope. Hope that things will get better, hope for the future, hope for a second chance. Hope is often what separates those who rise from their fall from those who never get up.

Reading about the blessings that others experienced as a result of their fall can give you that hope. Just knowing that others survived their fall and actually emerged from the situation a better person should encourage you to persevere.

© 1997 Beverly Engel

About the Author

Beverly Engel is an internationally recognized expert in the fields of abuse and sexuality and has been a psychotherapist for over 25 years. She is the best-selling author of seven self-help books, including Raising Your Sexual Self-Esteem, The Emotionally Abused Woman, Divorcing a Parent and The Right to Innocence. She has shared her expertise on Oprah, Sally Jesse Raphael and Rikki Lake. She is a popular workshop leader and a frequent keynote speaker at conferences throughout the United States and Canada.