If you Believe

Changeweavers: A Pathway to Spiritual Renewal
by Maida Berenblatt, M.S., Alena Joy Berenblatt

Who are you? Where have you been and where are you going? How much do you understand of the motivation behind the way you think, feel and behave? How are you different from the other people in your family? Do you understand the importance of this difference?

Have you ever wondered how you came to be you? Why you are creative yet disorganized? Why you have trouble balancing your checkbook when you can so easily plan a fantastic dinner for 14? Why can you remember every statistic, but not remember where you put your car keys? Why do you clip coupons and shop for bargains, then eagerly pay top dollar for the latest fashion? Why do you dream the dreams you dream? Are they your dreams, or are they dreams from some distant past?

Do you ever wonder what changes you might need to make to become the person you want to be?

A Journey Of Change

The first step in this change would be to look at the experiences and relationships that shaped your developing years. This investigation gives you a heightened awareness of who you are and why you do what you do. The journey is both a struggle and an exquisite sense of discovery, but it will put you on your path to discovering your spiritual self.

We all perceive the world in our own unique way. This is because our view stems from our self-image and our self-esteem, often created from childhood experiences that are also unique to each of us.

Over a lifetime we experience certain disappointments, hurts, shames, resentments and fears. These experiences might range from seemingly simple life changes-not getting a part in the school play, moving to another town, getting into a fight with a best friend-to more obvious emotional trauma-not getting the promotion you expected, going through a divorce, experiencing the death of a loved one. Small or large, trivial or important, these difficulties are stored in our memory bank; they form the foundation of our self-image, our self-esteem and our expectations. They form our self-portrait.

Often, we stay stuck in this self-portrait. As adults, we construct our world and form important relationships based on impressions of ourselves, which were typically formed by age 7. And we spend the rest of our lives reinforcing this self-portrait with behaviors that confirm our stuckness.

But we aren't all stuck in the same place. Some people are stuck in their childhood self-portrait. Other people are stuck in their preteen self-portrait. Still others are stuck in their adolescent self-portrait.

Getting Unstuck

Self-portraits that are formed early in life, then carried and implemented into adulthood without examination, create patterns of low self-esteem and poor self-image. But while you may have been stuck for decades, you can get unstuck. Getting unstuck is a process of looking at previously formed belief patterns that motivate adult behavior. Growing to the next step, becoming a changeweaver, is a three-step process:

1. Acknowledge the areas in which you are stuck.
2. Believe that you can change.
3. Honor the power of your own spirituality.

Achieving success in each stage of your life requires growth steps that are sequential and progressive. It is easy to see that walking precedes running. It is more difficult to understand that a healthy relationship with yourself precedes a rewarding relationship with another person.

But if beliefs formed in earlier years remain unexamined and fixed, they affect adult behavior, self-image and self-worth. A misstep occurs, keeping you in disharmony with your own expectations and those of your significant others. The result can be low self-esteem, destructive behaviors and dysfunctional relationships.

Let's look at the following statements that may help to determine the level of stuckness that is blocking your growth.

If you believe . . .
Adults in authoritative positions must know what is right in their area of expertise (the doctor always prescribes the best treatment) . . .
You need your parents' approval in order to feel you're doing the right thing . . .
Relationships with family members are always the most important, no matter what . . .
then you may be holding some basic assumptions that were formed in your childhood and never re-examined.

If you believe . . .
You must be pretty-or at least attractive-to be well-liked . . .
You must excel at some sport in order to be friends with the right group of people . . .
Teachers, supervisors and bosses must be listened to and not challenged . . .
It is important to be good and not get in trouble . . .
You need the approval of your parents, spouse and/or friends in order to feel good about yourself . . .
then you may be holding some basic assumptions that were formed in your preteen years and never re-examined.

If you believe . . .
Having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend shows that you have some value . . .
No one has problems to the degree that you have, and, consequently, no one understands you . . .
Your parents know nothing-they certainly do not know what is right for you . . .
You know you don't want to be anything like your mother or your father, but you don't know what you do want . . .
then you may be holding some basic assumptions that were formed in your adolescent years and never re-examined.

We presented these statements in a survey to 500 adults and found that many adults are holding beliefs formed in earlier years.

The five beliefs most frequently selected by the adults surveyed are:

Belief/Stage of Development

1. It is important to be good and not get in trouble. / Preteen

2. Relationships with family members are always the most important, no matter what. / Childhood

3. You need the approval of your parents, spouse and/or friends in order to feel good about yourself. / Preteen

4. You know you don't want to be anything like your mother or your father, but you don't know what you do want. / Adolescence

5. Adults in authoritative positions must know what is right in their area of expertise. / Childhood

Of the three developmental stages represented-childhood, preteen and adolescence-a majority of the adults surveyed (43%) indicated that they held preteen values and beliefs. A slightly smaller group (36%) indicated that they held values and beliefs from childhood, while the third and smallest group (21%) most identified with the statements associated with adolescence.

Our survey also found that:

• 30% of the adults surveyed indicated that they hold beliefs from just one stage of development.

• 28% of the adults surveyed selected beliefs in two areas of development, in this order: childhood/preteen, followed by preteen/adolescent and finally childhood/adolescent.

• 23% selected beliefs in all three areas.

• 19% did not agree with any of the statements in the survey.

Those people who did not connect to any of the beliefs frequently wrote unsolicited comments on their surveys. Many reported that they once held some of the beliefs itemized, but through counseling and much reflective thought they were no longer stuck in any of their old beliefs. These people are true changeweavers. Like them, you can break through patterns of low self-esteem by examining your beliefs and attitudes.

The Preteen Stage

Because most adults are stuck in their preteen years, let's take a closer look at that stage.

Throughout the impressionable and formative preteen years-when self-image, self-esteem and self-evaluation are most vulnerable-children are motivated to seek counsel and guidelines outside themselves. They do not know how they feel or what they think about themselves. They are hungry and eager for evaluations about themselves, especially from their peers, and, at times, from adults in authority. Perhaps most important, they need to measure up to images portrayed in the media.

Preteens rarely receive encouragement to express their own feelings, or to stand up for their own opinions, attitudes and beliefs. Preteens are rarely encouraged to be their own person. Most parents and teachers already have an agenda for preteens. It is only the most rebellious or innovative youngster who dares to map out her own course and deal with the consequences of other people's opinions. Because this stage of development is dependent upon so many variables-healthy socialization skills, familial relationships, academic achievement, physical development-we find that many adults have never moved beyond this developmental step. They remain stuck emotionally and psychologically in the preteen years.

Clearly, the preteen years are an important stage for development. To get more insight into these turbulent years, we conducted a second survey, this time of 1,500 preteens age 10 to 13.

We found that today's preteens do not believe that their own opinion is important. In fact, 59% of the preteens surveyed said they most value the opinions of their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and friends. Only 41% reported that they most value their own opinion.

Preteens do like themselves. According to our survey, 23% think they are smart, pretty/handsome, talented, funny and have a good personality, though more so for boys (28%) than for girls (18%). In fact, 17% of girls surveyed said they don't like anything about themselves. The two biggest factors both boys and girls said they would change to feel better about themselves are their weight (25%) and their looks (24%). An overwhelming majority of preteens (89%) felt it is very important or somewhat important to be handsome or pretty.

Like adults, a majority of preteens (81%) feel stress. Mostly it is over grades (35%) and family (24%), but also over friends (14%) and their looks (12%). Some of the other things preteens said cause them stress are sports, boyfriends/girlfriends, not being liked, divorce, death or illness of a family member, “pressure” and “everything.”

Their concern about their weight also contributes to preteens' stress. It is well documented that eating disorders-obesity, anorexia nervosa and bulimia-begin in the preteen years, and 45% of the preteens we surveyed said they diet. The most troubling response by the preteens on this topic was not that 48% exercise or that 24% cut out all fat, but that 10% stop eating for a few days or eat less every day.

Preteens even worry about very adult stressors-things over which they have no control-like their parents' relationship (59%) and their parents' financial situation (60%).

Unfortunately, many preteens-boys (55%) more than girls (14%)-believe they have no one to talk to when they feel sad. Of those who do confide in someone, most preteens choose mom (32%).

A few of the values and beliefs held by preteens are listed in the chart below, along with the source of approval sought. In essence, preteens, as well as adults who are stuck in the preteen beliefs, look in others' faces and listen to others' words to assess whether they measure up to others' expectations.

Characteristic / Source of Approval

Pretty / Media
A young girl who is not pretty enough to meet current media standards feels inadequate as a preteen and takes this feeling with her as she grows through adolescence to adulthood.

Athletic / Peer Groups
Preteens who are not active in sports-either by choice or because of physical limitation-feel alienated from their main peer group and take this feeling with them as they grow through adolescence to adulthood.

Being Good / Parents, Teachers, Church, Law
Children are typically raised with rules and restrictions that teach them to be good and avoid trouble. This is not inherently a negative quality, but it controls behavior to the confines set by authority figures. Consequently, it limits creativity, entrepreneurial ventures and original thoughts and behaviors. Preteens who are concerned about being good are less likely than their rebellious counterparts to abandon that concern as they grow through adolescence to adulthood.

Needing Approval / Family, Friends, Peer Groups, Adults in Authority
Preteens often need approval from others in order to feel good about themselves and to be sure they're doing the right thing. They need validation of their thoughts and feelings. Again, this is not inherently a negative quality, but it discourages self-confidence, self-approval and self-evaluation. Preteens who do not develop the ability to trust themselves take these feelings with them as they grow through adolescence to adulthood.

Some preteens build roadblocks over which they stumble time and again as adolescents and adults. For example, if you need approval from your friends as a preteen, you'll probably need approval from your spouse as an adult.

Preteens who don't deal with any of these issues are probably rebellious, contrary by nature or raised from early childhood to be independent, giving them a healthy self-image, high self-esteem and the ability to listen to their inner voice.

Change Your Self-Portrait

If you saw yourself in the If You Believe statements, you can change your self-portrait. The If You Believe test identifies the time of development in your life during which you became stuck. By reading this book and opening your mind to the possibility of change, you have the ability to get unstuck. You can listen to your inner voice, examine the behavior that keeps you stuck and become the person you want to be.

From the 5-year-old child to 92-year-old adult, the testimonies of stuckness we report in this book reveal that the problem is universal. And by following the steps to becoming unstuck, you can release the images and feelings that keep you in that place.

Look at your inner portrait. Begin to change some tints, shades and designs of your self-image.

Too often we look outside ourselves to others, seeking their approval in order to feel good about ourselves. It's time to look in a different direction. Look inside yourself for changes that will keep you in focus and headed in the right direction. You are the only true source of knowledge about yourself. You are the only pathway to peace and harmony.

You can be a changeweaver.

© 1996 Health Communications, Inc.