What a Real Hero Looks Like

Finding the Hero in Your Husband
by Julianna Slattery

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"Finding the hero in your husband. What does that mean?" There is a lot of talk today about what makes a hero. How does one become a hero? Through special talents or athletic prowess? Superhuman feats? Daring rescues? If these are the criteria, where is the "hero" in the average husband?

The essence of heroics is the consistent choice to sacrifice for others. War heroes put their lives on the line for a military cause. Police officers and firefighters willingly place themselves in harm's way to protect others. "Unsung" heroes give up their own glory or desires in order to allow others to flourish. Jesus Christ is the ultimate hero. Not only did he give his life on the cross, but he spent his days on earth sacrificially ministering to the needs of others. This is exactly the role to which God has called every husband. He is to give himself to his wife just as Christ gave himself for the church. A husband's job is no easier than a wife's. He is called to be a daily hero.

Robertson McQuilkin's life represents the hero that every woman longs to discover in her husband. After forty years of marriage, his wife Muriel fell prey to Alzheimer's. At the time, Robertson was the president of Columbia International University. As Muriel's health faded, Robertson was forced with the choice of either putting her in an institution or retiring from his position to care for her full time. Here are his own words about his decision:

As she needed more and more of me, I wrestled daily with the question of who gets me full-time-Muriel or Columbia Bible College and Seminary. . . . When the time came, the decision was firm. It took no great calculation. It was a matter of integrity. Had I not promised, forty-two years before, 'in sickness and in health . . . till death do us part?' This was no grim duty to which I was stoically resigned, however. It was only fair. She had, after all, cared for me for almost four decades with marvelous devotion; now it was my turn. Such a partner she was! If I took care of her for 40 years, I would never be out of her debt. . . . She is such a delight to me. I don't have to care for her, I get to.

I have been startled by the response to the announcement of my resignation. Husbands and wives renew marriage vows, pastors tell the story to their congregations. It was a mystery to me, until a distinguished oncologist who lives constantly with dying people told me, 'Almost all women stand by their man; very few men stand by their women.' Perhaps people sensed this contemporary tragedy and somehow were helped by a simple choice I consider to be my only option.

It is all more than keeping promises and being fair, however. As I watch her brave descent into oblivion, Muriel is the joy of my life. Daily I discern new manifestations of the kind of person she is, the wife I always loved. I also see fresh manifestations of God's love-the God I long to love more fully (Christianity Today, "Living by Vows").

Robertson McQuilkin is a hero. He did not save any lives, but he chose to use his as a reflection of God's love. He is an example of the heroic love wives long for in their husbands.

Finding the hero is not about depending on your husband for fulfillment. Ironically, it is only through letting go of the dream of his unfailing love that a woman can invest in the hope for true intimacy. It is not your husband that you must worship. The hero in your husband is only his capacity to image God's loving kindness, mercy and grace. To find that hero, you must know the God your husband was created to image. The fairy tale is not marrying Prince Charming. It is helping the man you married to become the godly man he is created to be.

As a wife, you have tremendous influence to either bring out the hero in your husband or bury it deeper within his anger and insecurity. God has given you the power to call forth your husband's valor or to highlight his faint-heartedness. Proverbs 14:1 (NIV) says, "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." Are you using your influence to promote intimacy or to destroy any chance for it? The purpose of this book is to help you grasp the important role that you play in contributing to a fulfilling marriage. My prayer is that God will use these words to empower you in the challenging, lifelong tasks of building your home -of calling forth the hero in your husbands.

Regardless of the state of your "fairy tale," do not give up hope of fulfillment. God's plan for intimacy is real. It is available to those who seek the wisdom of his design for husband and wife. Nothing can guarantee a happy marriage. You cannot force your husband to love you, nor can you make your marriage an intimate one. You can only do your part. However, through your commitment to wisdom and faithfulness, you can participate in building your marriage rather than contributing to its destruction.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Proverbs 14:1, NIV

Questions for Discussion and Reflection

1. Try to remember back to your wedding day. What hopes and expectations did you have for your marriage? Which were realistic and which were not?

2. Which of your romantic dreams have come true? How have you been disappointed?

3. Why do you think God gave women the desire to be loved so completely only to be disappointed in marriage?

4. Read Proverbs 14:1. How might a wise woman build her house? How might a foolish woman tear hers down with her own hands? Why might she be so destructive to her own family?

5. Read Proverbs 1:24-32. What will happen to the woman who continues to ignore wisdom?

6. Read Proverbs 4:7-9, 9:10, 19:20, 2:6, and 8:34. How can a foolish woman become wise?

© 2001 Faith Communications

About the Author

Dr. Julianna Slattery is a Christian psychologist and gifted speaker on psychological issues affecting families. She earned her Doctor of Psychology and Master of Science in Clinical Psychology at Florida Institute of Technology where she received the Outstanding Clinical Student Award. Dr. Slattery graduated Magna Cum Laude from Wheaton College with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and earned a Master of Arts in Psychology from Biola University's Rosemead School of Psychology.