It is unfair and often untrue to paint a high-risk kid as a drug or alcohol abuser or a troubled kid who goes around hating and fighting and causing trouble. Many high-risk teens—even those who are addicted or involved with serious abuse of alcohol or other drugs—are sensitive, feeling people. It is equally wrong to say that a teen who is addicted to alcohol or another drug is a troublemaker, dangerous, or criminally minded. I must say that almost every teen I've counseled is—down deep—a good kid. High-risk teens are simply teens who are at higher risk than a normal teen for certain problems—in this case, alcohol abuse and addiction. High-risk teens are kids whose system has failed them or who have somehow failed to adapt in a positive way to their system.

On my desk, I keep three rocks that remind me of the high-risk kids I serve. Aha! That doesn't mean that I view them as rocks. No. The rocks remind me of a teen's inherent worth and the high risk each one faces in life when moving through childhood and adolescence, and into adulthood. Life can be challenging, and high-risk kids face an especially difficult and dangerous task. As parents and as role models, we can help prevent, divert, and recover our children when we understand the circumstances of high risk.

Hidden Worth

The first rock on my desk is a geode, actually half a geode. This geode is a rough, rather ugly, unattractive, dull, brown rock on the outside. But it's not the outside of the rock that I value, rather the inside. The geode has been cut in half. The inside, which has been polished until it shines and feels smooth as glass, is a surprising swirl of beautiful chocolate, red, and creams. In its center is a cavity filled with miniature, delicate crystals that sparkle and dance with light.

Geodes are like high-risk teens in a way. A teen can appear ugly or unattractive, even dull on the outside, but inside is where the real unique beauty lies, and until that beauty is realized and exposed, it remains hidden and unexpressed. The truth is, we don't know exactly how unique and beautiful each soul really is deep inside because a teen will often keep it hidden safely away and the rest of us may not take the time or effort to see deeply.

High-risk kids are those who do not recognize or realize their inherent worth. They face challenges in their lives that form a crust around their inner beauty and potential. The outer crust of the rock is made by the outside influences of nature and weather. Similarly, the outside crust of a troubled teen is formed by outside influences that cover up his beauty, worth, and potential. Being illiterate; feeling ugly; having poor social skills; or living with chronic illness, troublesome psychological problems, poverty, serious family dysfunction, neglect, or abuse can prevent the development of a beautiful nature.

Perhaps the single most absent trait noticeable in troubled teens is self-esteem. They do not perceive themselves as having worth or value, or they hide their talents. Usually, this is caused by failure to find happiness, acceptance, and success in their endeavors. They often do not trust themselves to make decisions or to find success or happiness in life. They are often followers of other dysfunctional children because they distrust "normal" people and the system as a result of rejection or past failures.

The perception of negative self-worth comes in several ways. Some of the more common are (1) inherited disabilities or disorders that prevent thriving and acceptance; this includes physical appearance that places a child at risk of social rejection or stigma; (2) accidents, injury, or other traumatic experiences that inhibit or stunt normal emotional and mental development; this includes all forms of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, as well as neglect; (3) false beliefs, negative attitudes, and self-defeating behavior learned from and reinforced by parents, family members, or other significant people during early years and childhood; (4) lack of bonding, limit setting, and discipline in early years; (5) learned behaviors from negative role models in society; and (6) failure to develop psychological autonomy.

One of a few things can happen to such children: they kill themselves; they simply shrink away into oblivion; something happens that awakens them to their worth and they begin to thrive; they abuse drugs to equalize the emotional pain; or they remain ugly the rest of their lives. They are normally frustrated, discouraged, unhappy, even angry children and are at high risk for anything with the potential to make them feel alive, worthwhile, or powerful over their environment. Teenage alcohol abuse and the pseudoculture that often surrounds it fill that void and provide an escape from reality.

Alcoholism interferes with the cutting and polishing of the soul, leaving the beautiful luminescent colors of a teen's life secluded under ugly behavior. The crystals of light that dance and sparkle in her life are often dark and encased with discouragement and disappointment. It is possible for this inner unique beauty to disappear, for the cavity of light crystals to fill up, and for the teen to evolve into something ugly and repulsive throughout. But that usually takes time and pressure. Most troubled teens are yet geodes filled with hidden potential beauty.

Parents and responsible adults have a choice as to how they will see a teen. They can choose to see the "ugly" residue or the unusual and unique beauty. They can see reality or real potential. Those who look deeply, who are geologists of the soul, will see the beauty that others refuse to see. It is the inside of a teen that matters, not the outside.

Hidden Pain

In the deserts of southern Utah, one can find small, round stones called desert marbles. They are made of desert sand that forms into a ball and develops a hard, metallic-like shell on the outside. The red-colored iron mineral in the desert sand combines with the oxygen in the air and water to form a hard, almost metallic substance known as iron oxide. Inside this hard shell is a ball of compressed sandstone that is still soft enough to be easily scratched out with the fingernail or a stick.

Most high-risk kids are like desert marbles. They have a soft, emotional interior and a hard exterior. Most of the teens I have worked with present a pretty hard, resistive shell. They are kids who are frequently failing at most of the important things in their lives, such as school, family relations, jobs, friendships, and self-esteem. They may have begun to have legal problems and other social conflicts. They may be stealing, involved in violence and other crimes, dangerously sexually active, and running away from home. They may be depressed and giving up on life. They may isolate themselves from others and have suicidal thoughts. A majority of these kids are at high risk for getting involved in drinking alcohol or abusing other drugs, and kids who are alcoholics or seriously abusing alcohol are at high risk for these feelings and behaviors.

The thickness of the shell around high-risk kids depends on the cause and duration of the problems in their lives. There's usually a great deal of emotional pain, including guilt, shame, grief, and self-loathing. When the cause of problems involves deep emotional trauma or long-standing psychological problems, the shell becomes much thicker and the inner emotions more rigid. Just as the red iron mineral in the soft sand of a desert marble bleeds out and combines with oxygen and water to form a hard, protective shell, painful experiences can cause the typical teenager's need for love, acceptance, guidance, and achievement to bleed and combine with other things to form dangerous and self-destructive behaviors, appearance, and demeanor. This hard, resistant shell insulates the soft, inner emotions from positive resolution and from outside help and further deepens the pain and hopelessness.

Hardened Life

My third example is petrified wood. Petrification happens when soft cellulose wood becomes covered with hot volcanic ash. For thousands or millions of years this wood is under pressure and heat. During this time, water, carrying various minerals, seeps down through the buried wood and replaces the soft wood molecules with hard mineral molecules from the surrounding ash. The replacement of molecules is so precise that the image of the wood is completely preserved, even down to the growth rings, bark, and wood fiber. In time, what was once soft, pliable, usable wood becomes stone that resembles wood but is useless, although sometimes beautiful.

Some high-risk kids remind me of petrified wood, especially those whose lives have been traumatic, painful, or troubled for long periods of time or who have suffered seriously debilitating problems for which no one has found satisfactory solutions. Human petrification occurs in far less time than in wood. Children begin like pieces of soft, pliable wood, unique in color, quality, and form. They can be cut and shaped and molded into all kinds of beautiful and useful people. Circumstances in life can cover them up and put them under significant pressure. Negative experiences in life can begin the process of petrifying their lives. When damaging experiences, feelings, or circumstances are prolonged without relief, teens eventually become discouraged or hopeless. Eventually they may give up, rebel, turn to drinking or drug abuse, or commit suicide. Over time, they become hardened throughout and practically unrecoverable.

Pages: 1   2   3  

© 2000 Health Communications, Inc.

Tags: Parenting Teenagers, Parenting and Families, Alcoholism, Teens, Substance Abuse and Teens

About the Author

Stephen Biddulph is a former family, marriage, and child counselor who also worked as a supervising therapist and director of adolescent substance abuse and addiction treatment at Provo Canyon School in Utah. A national seminar lecturer, he currently serves as dean of students and auxiliary services at Southern Virginia College. He is a retired major from the United States Marine Corps, is married, and is the father of six children. More