Selecting a Therapist

The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love
by Janet Woititz

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If you choose to see a therapist, there are some things to keep in mind.

1. The therapist needs to have an understanding of addictions.

2. The therapist needs to have an understanding of self-help programs.

3. The therapist needs to understand what it means to be an ACOA or come from a dysfunctional family but does not have to be from one.

4. The therapist needs to have at least a master's degree in counseling, social work or psychology.

5. The therapist must be willing to answer your questions.

6. The therapist need not self-disclose-:sponsors self-disclose.

7. The therapist may be friendly but is not a friend.

You can interview therapists. You don't have to continue seeing the first one you check out. You are obligated to pay for the time but if you don't have a good feeling about the person, check out someone else. If you interview several potential therapists and no one satisfies you and if the people fulfill the above criteria, you may be not as ready as you think.

At some point in your recovery process it will be important to reconcile yourself with your spiritual side. There are some empty places and some painful places that can only be filled with a spiritual relationship. It will happen in your own way in your own time.

Recoverer beware.

1. The process of recovery for adult children is very disruptive. It means changing the way you have perceived yourself and your world up until now. This is a tall order. In comparison, “Don't drink and go to meetings” is a piece of cake-:and you know how rough that can be. The volcano, once erupted, cannot be put back neatly in the cone. It has to be addressed. Don't be surprised if you feel like you no longer belong in your skin. It is to be expected.

2. Remember that your need to save everyone else from their ignorance is saying to them not only “There is a better way,” but also “Turn your whole life upside down and inside out.” That's quite a lot to ask of another person. So, if you choose to do so, ask yourself:

• Am I prepared to be there for this person through this process?

• Am I willing to accept this person's right to make the choice not to change?

3. If you're not, you may be better off waiting for others to come to you.
If you're not in an intimate relationship, try to hold off until you get some of your issues sorted out. You will only repeat old mistakes and overcomplicate things. You will not be the same a year into the process as you were when you started, so your choices will be different.

4. If you are currently in a relationship, keep the other person apprised of what is going on with you. Have that person read this book and Struggle for Intimacy. Encourage working on this process together. If you have been enmeshed and now back away to be your own person, be aware of the fact that it is a change not only for you but also for others in your life. They may or may not react well. But remember, if you change the rules and you are in a relationship, two people should be involved in the rules change or the relationship will become dysfunctional regardless of whether or not you know it is “the best thing for both of you.”

5. If you have been neglectful as a parent and are now aware how you may be perpetuating the cycle, your becoming hypervigilant all of a sudden will not be well received.

6. Reading material and talk shows will add to your store of knowledge and may give you insight. Although they may have some therapeutic value, books and media are not therapy. The good feeling from the power of the identification does not effect a lasting change.

ACOAs are creatures of extremes. “Nothing worth doing is worth doing in moderation.” What I am suggesting is: Recovery is a slow process. It has to be or it is not recovery. You may make rapid strides but it takes a while for the growth to belong to you.

Recovery is discovery.

Remember that recovery is a process you have not failed if something you thought you had resolved pops up in another form. It may now be on a deeper level. You have not failed if you go through a stressful time and find yourself reverting to old behaviors.

© 2002 Health Communications, Inc.

About the Author

Janet Woititz was the author of Adult Children of Alcoholics, which was on the New York Times bestseller list for over a year. She wrote several other books, including Lifeskills for Adult Children; The Self-Sabotage Syndrome; The Struggle for Intimacy; Marriage on the Rocks; Healing Your Sexual Self and many others. Woititz was the director and founder of the Institute for Counseling and Training in West Caldwell, New Jersey.