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I can see by the looks on women's faces, and from their comments, that anxiety and confusion are part of the learning process. My 1989 audiotape, Women and Power: Understand Your Fear/Releasing Your Potential, and my book, Women, Anger & Depression: Strategies for Self-Empowerment (Health Communications, 1991) contain now dated examples, but the content related to the process remains on target. More than a decade later, when the suggestion is made to embrace their power, women reject the notion of being perceived as too masculine, aggressive, or uncooperative out of fear. It is so counter to our socialization that we dismiss it out of hand. The notion that we must be for others rather than for ourselves is implanted so strongly that we are reluctant to explore the alternative.

The irony is that women act powerfully all the time, but in ways different from men. Relying on our “girlish charm” can be just as influential, but less direct and less confrontational. In other words, we wield power less directly than men. We've learned to be less direct so we will not be perceived as taking too much power away from men. This is at the core of our difficulties with gaining increased influence skills and organizational visibility.

Each time a woman directly asserts herself, however, she is essentially saying to the men in her life (whether they are husbands, sons, bosses, or other male authority figures), “I want something from you. I want what is rightfully mine. I expect my needs to be met, too.” With each assertion we frequently feel guilty. We equate taking control back with taking something away from someone else.

More than simply getting what we need, deserve, or want, we are forcing others to give back what we have been giving away for so long. The reactions we get are difficult to cope with. Others don't really want the situation to change-they already have everything they need, so why should they change?

Resistance to change is normal. It is to be expected. Like the alcoholic in recovery who finds others colluding to bring him or her back to a place of intoxication, the girl who moves toward womanhood will find herself faced with people who want to continue to infantilize her. This is what you must keep in mind if you want to achieve your goals.

What's a Girl to Do?

Here are some specific coaching tips-a prelude of what is to follow. Take them one at a time. Don't try to do them all at once- you'll only set yourself up for frustration. Choose one or two on which to work, then come back for more.

• Give yourself permission to move from girlhood to womanhood. It may seem like a simple idea, but it's one that is often resisted for all the reasons mentioned above. Have a good, long talk with yourself. Tell yourself that you are not only allowed, but entitled to act in ways that move you toward goal attainment. Try the mantra I am entitled to have my needs met, too.

• Visualize yourself as you want to be. If you can see it, you can have it. Picture yourself in the role to which you aspire. If it's in the corner office, see yourself at the desk with the accoutrements that go along with it. Consider the behaviors in which you will engage to warrant this position and the ways in which you will act. Bring them into your reality.

• Talk back to the fearful voice inside your head. This may sound crazy at first, but you must counter the old messages and replace them with new ones. If your fearful girl's voice says, “But no one will like me if I change,” let your woman's voice respond with, “That's an old message. Let's create a new, more empowered one.”

• Surround yourself with a Plexiglas shield. The Plexiglas shield is designed to allow you to see what is going on around you, but not be punctured by the negativity of others. I suggested this to a client, who later told me she thought it sounded a little crazy but decided to try it-only to find that it worked! In difficult situations she would picture herself encapsulated in a Plexiglas bubble that protected her from the disparaging remarks of others and allowed her to remain in a grounded, adult position.

• Create the word on the street. A routine exercise we do in leadership classes is to ask participants to write a twenty-five-word vision statement of how they want to be described, then list the behaviors needed to get them there. You can do the same. Write down what you want others to be saying about you, then follow it up with specific actions to make it happen. In short, accept the responsibility of adulthood.

• Recognize resistance and put a name to it. When you find others resisting your efforts to be more direct and empowered, con-ider first that their responses are designed to keep you in a less powerful place. Rather than acquiesce, question it. Say something like, “It seems you don't agree with what I'm saying. Let me give you the rationale for my position and then perhaps you can tell me what it is you take issue with.”

• Ask for feedback. If you're worried that you are in some way acting inappropriately, ask a trusted friend or colleague for feed-back. Avoid asking a yes-no question (such as, “Did you think I was out of line?”). Try asking an open-ended question that will give you insight into how you are perceived (such as, “Tell me what I did in that meeting that helped me or hindered me from achieving my goals”).

• Don't aim for perfection. Even I don't engage in all the behaviors described in this book. There are some that are just so counter to my personality, I don't even try; others that, no matter how hard I try, I don't do well. The important thing is to do a few really well and allow the rest to fall into place.

Now it's up to you. Go get' em!

Copyright © 2004 by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D

Tags: Women and Business

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.