Getting Started

Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office: 101 Unconscious Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers
By Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D.

Book Description

If you work nonstop without a break… worry about offending others and back down too easily… explain too much when asked for information… or “poll” your friends and colleagues before making a decision, chances are you have been bypassed for promotions and ignored when you expressed your ideas. Although you may not be aware of it, girlish behaviors such as these are sabotaging your career!

NICE GIRLS DON'T GET THE CORNER OFFICE

Lois P. Frankel, Ph. D., an internationally recognized executive coach who has worked with Fortune 500 companies, reveals why some women roar ahead in their careers while others stagnate. She's spotted a unique set of behaviors-101 in all-that women learn in girlhood that sabotage them as adults. Now, in this groundbreaking guide, she helps you eliminate these unconscious mistakes that could be holding you back-and offers invaluable coaching tips you can easily incorporate into your social and business skills.

If you recognize and change the behaviors that say “girl” not “woman,” the results will pay off in career opportunities you never thought possible-and in an image that identifies you as someone with the power and know-how to occupy the corner office!

10 Mistakes Women Make That Sabotage Their Careers
from NICE GIRLS DON'T GET THE CORNER OFFICE

MISTAKE # 3 WORKING TOO HARD
Women don't get ahead because they work hard. Likeability, strategic thinking, networking, and being a team player are but a few of the other factors that go into crafting a successful career.

MISTAKE # 9 AVOIDING OFFICE POLITICS
Trying to avoid office politics is like trying to avoid the weather. If you're not involved in office politics, you're not playing the game and, if you're not playing the game, you can't possibly win.

MISTAKE # 16 NEEDING TO BE LIKED
It's critical for women to understand the difference between being liked and being respected. A girl's need to be liked will preclude her from taking the kinds of risks taken by women who are respected.

MISTAKE # 17 NOT NEEDING TO BE LIKED
Fear of being perceived as a pushover causes some women to adopt the attitude, “I'm not here to win a popularity contest.” Well, I'm here to tell you, yes you are.

MISTAKE # 26 DECORATING YOUR OFFICE LIKE YOUR LIVING ROOM
Your office or workspace can be a reflection of who you are and what's important to you, but that doesn't mean it should look like your living room. By emphasizing your femininity, you can diminish your credibility.

MISTAKE # 33 OBEDIENTLY FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
Women are often so anxious to get the job done quickly that they pay attention to the details and not the big picture. Women who get ahead know how to balance the tactical with the strategic. Don't just do your job, add value by not obediently following instructions, but thinking and planning-which is what you want to be known for.

MISTAKE # 37 SKIPPING MEETINGS
Meetings are to see and be seen, meet and greet, or play show and tell. It's part of branding and marketing yourself.

MISTAKE # 59 ASKING PERMISSION
Men don't ask for permission, they ask for forgiveness. Every time a woman asks permission to do or say something, she diminishes her stature and relegates herself to the position of a child.

MISTAKE # 77 TILTING YOUR HEAD
When trying to convey a direct message, tilting your head can be interpreted as uncertain or lacking commitment to what you're saying-even when you're dead sure of what you're saying. It's one way women have learned to communicate difficult messages in a socially acceptable, but less assertive, way.

MISTAKE # 98 BEING THE LAST TO SPEAK
The inclination to hold back when men are present is a huge mistake. The longer you wait to speak, the more likely it is that someone else will say what you're thinking-and get credit for it.

Chapter 1

Getting Started

Here's your first coaching tip: Don't begin reading this book until you've learned how to use it to your advantage. You'll only end up thinking everything applies to you in equal proportions when in fact you're probably doing better than you think. You know how we women can be-more critical of ourselves than necessary and reluctant to take credit where it's due. When I coach women, I often tell them that changing behavior is much easier if they can understand where it comes from and what purpose it serves. All behavior serves a purpose-take a few minutes now to understand what purpose yours serves.

From the outset I want you to know and, even more important, believe that the mistakes impeding you from reaching your career goals or potential don't happen because you're stupid or incompetent (although others might want to make you think so). You are simply acting in ways consistent with your socialization. Beyond girlhood, no one ever tells us that acting differently is an option-and so we don't. Whether it's because we are discouraged from doing so or because we are unaware of the alternatives, we often fail to develop a repertoire of woman-appropriate behaviors.

As an executive coach to both men and women in organizations of all sizes around the world, I've had the opportunity to gain insight into why some people move forward fluidly in their careers while others stagnate, never fully reaching their potential.

Although there are plenty of mistakes made by both men and.women that hold them back, there are a unique set of mistakes made predominantly by women. Whether I'm working in Jakarta, Oslo, Prague, Frankfurt, Wellington, or Detroit, I'm amazed to watch women across cultures make the same mistakes at work. They may be more exaggerated in Hong Kong than in Houston, but they're variations on the same theme. And I know they're mistakes because once women address them and begin to act differently, their career paths take wonderful turns they never thought possible.

So why do women stay in the place of girlhood long after it's productive for them? One reason is because we've been taught that acting like a girl-even when we're grown up-isn't such a bad thing. Girls get taken care of in ways boys don't. Girls aren't expected to fend for or take care of themselves-others do that for them. Sugar and spice and everything nice-that's what little girls are made of. Who doesn't want to be everything nice?

The virtues of girls are extolled in songs. “I Enjoy Being a Girl.” “Thank Heaven for Little Girls.” “My Girl.” “The Girl from Ipanema.” Who wouldn't want to be a girl? People like girls. Men want to protect you. Cuddly or sweet, tall or tan, girls don't ask for much. They're nice to be around and they're nice to have around-sort of like pets.

Being a girl is certainly easier than being a woman. Girls don't have to take responsibility for their destiny. Their choices are limited by a narrowly defined scope of expectations. And here's another reason why we continue to exhibit the behaviors learned in childhood even when at some level we know they're holding us back: We can't see beyond the boundaries that have traditionally circumscribed the parameters of our influence. It's dangerous to go out of bounds. When you do, you get accused of trying to act like a man or being “bitchy.” All in all, it's easier to behave in socially acceptable ways.

There's only one problem. When we live a life circumscribed by the expectations of others, we live a limited life. What does it really mean to live our lives as girls rather than women? It means we choose behaviors consistent with those that are expected of us rather than those that move us toward fulfillment and self-actualization. Rather than live consciously, we live reactively. Although we mature physically, we never really mature emotionally. And while this may allow us momentary relief from real-world dilemmas, it never allows us to be fully in control of our destiny.

As I said in the introduction, observing, coaching, and facilitating workshops for professional women have enabled me to learn firsthand how acting like a girl gets in the way of achieving your career potential. Missed opportunities for career-furthering assignments or promotions arise from being reluctant to showcase your capabilities, feeling hesitant to speak in meetings, and working so hard that you forget to build the relationships necessary for long-term success. These behaviors are only magnified in workshops at which men and women are the participants. My work in corporations allows me to facilitate both workshops for only women and leadership development programs for mixed groups within the same company. Even women whom I've seen act assertively in a group of other women become more passive, compliant, and reticent to speak in a mixed group.

Copyright © 2004 by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.