Introduction

Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, & Their Families
by Billie Fitzpatrick, Chastity Bono

As a child, I always felt there was something different about me. I'd look at other girls my age and feel perplexed by their obvious interest in the latest fashion, which boy in class was the cutest, and who looked the most like cover girl Christie Brinkley. When I was thirteen, I finally found a name for exactly how I was different. I realized I was gay. And suddenly I made much more sense to myself. This first realization was just the beginning of a process that continues today. I started coming out to a few close friends, got involved in relationships, sought out other lesbians, and made friends. Then, when I was eighteen, I came out to my parents. At the time, my father was immediately supportive; it took my mother much longer. But as we as a family began the arduous, confusing, often frustrating process leading toward acceptance, I was derailed by an uncontrollable outside force.

In the winter of 1990, I was outed by the tabloid the Star, which published an unauthorized article that disclosed my sexual orientation to the public. At the time, I was far from ready to have this still-private matter exposed to people other than those I chose to tell. I felt so violated and vulnerable to other people's judgment of me that I retreated into the closet: for over four years, I went into virtual hiding, constantly afraid of being exposed again by the tabloids. I rarely went out in public, especially to places where I might be photographed.

This was an extremely difficult, painful time that exacerbated all my self-doubt and negative feelings about being gay in a mostly straight world. It wasn't until I became involved with an older woman and then, soon after, lost her to cancer that I began to reevaluate living in the closet. I then made the decision to come out publicly: I needed to take my power back.

In April 1995, I appeared on the cover of The Advocate, and for the first time told my version of my coming-out story to a national audience. Though I knew that this act would forever change my life, I had no idea how positive the outcome would be. I received piles of letters from lesbians and gays across the country telling me that they admired my courage and saw me as a role model. While coming out in public began as a personal decision, it catapulted me into a political role that has transformed my life, providing me with affirmation as a lesbian, as a woman, and as an individual. And not only has this public role provided enormous personal and professional fulfillment, it also allowed my family to accept me in a much healthier way. Even my father, with whom I had political differences, felt proud that I had become an activist. And because I now truly accept myself, my family is able to do the same.

There is a vital connection here: a family's acceptance of a gay or lesbian child or sibling is directly tied to the gay person's ability to accept him- or herself. As gay people we can't expect acceptance from those close to us and the world at large until we are completely comfortable with being gay ourselves. Coming out, then, is a dual process that both individuals and families struggle through and ultimately learn to appreciate.

By August 1996, one year after I came out publicly, my mother had progressed so far that she agreed to “come out” herself on the cover of The Advocate as the proud mother of a lesbian daughter. The response to my interview with my mom was tremendous. I remember one letter in particular. A woman I'll call Chloe, a single mother with two young children, wrote that she had known she was gay for many years but was afraid to tell anyone - even though her brother was gay too. After picking up a copy of The Advocate because my mother was on the cover and reading the article, Chloe finally felt ready to tell someone she was a lesbian.

I was stunned yet again. There was no one she could tell she was gay before reading the article?

As I had begun feeling more and more comfortable about myself, I had begun to assume that coming out was becoming less of an ordeal, less of a struggle. I was wrong. I keep thinking that society is making it easier for gay men and women to come out and live a free and fulfilled life without censoring themselves and without the risk of rejection, harm, and discrimination. But clearly, though society has changed remarkably in the twenty-seven years since Stonewall (and my birth) in 1969, and we have made legal and political strides, being gay in America is still not easy.

Chloe is one of many people I have come across in the past several years who either revealed complete emotional paralysis about their homosexuality or were still firmly in the closet. Before taking on an activist role as a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign and more recently as entertainment media director for GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation), I had only experienced the difficulty and rewards of coming out on a personal level. But when I began to meet people from all different backgrounds and hear their stories, I discovered with surprise and sadness that men and women are still afraid to come out.

What became clear as I listened to the stories of others and shared my own is that although the gay community is diverse, the desire to tell our various coming-out stories is a constant. And as I became aware of the individual struggles, I was confronted with a general need for more understanding of how and when to make the journey. These men and women from diverse ethnic, racial, religious, and socioeconomic backgrounds were at different stages of self-discovery. Some had told their families; some had only told a best friend; some had only told their lovers; some had told no one at all. Some women and men had come out to their families and close friends but still hid their sexual orientation from their coworkers, their bosses, and some of their straight friends.

I realized then that maybe I could make a difference, that by sharing my story and especially my experience with my family, specifically my mother, Cher, I might be able to help other people arrive at the happy place I am now.

The goal of Family Outing is not only to guide gay women and men through the closet door but also to give them the tools with which they can complete the process by bringing their families, especially their parents, along with them.

The book as a whole traces the stories of gay individuals and their parents, allowing the reader to follow these families, including my own, as the coming-out process unfolds. In the first part of the book, I introduce the various issues we as lesbians and gays experience in coming to terms with our homosexuality by first telling my own story and then bringing in the stories of many others, taken from extensive conversations with people who vary in age, gender, race, ethnicity, religion, and geographic location. These narratives illustrate the universal themes and stages that form the coming-out process for all gay people. Yet within this framework a myriad of different feelings exist.

In the next part of my book, I share my conversations with my mother about my coming out, which introduce the issues most families and friends confront when someone they love tells them they are lesbian or gay. Again, this material is organized thematically, mirroring the process itself, and includes experiences of other families of gay people. As in the first part, a central framework emerges here as representing the universal stages in moving toward acceptance. But again, the individual feelings and experiences vary.

The social and political environment has become more accepting of homosexuals and our need to be honest and open about who we are. We are at the point now where people in high-profile positions in entertainment, sports, and politics have taken the risk and come out to overwhelming positive response. Elton John, Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge, k. d. lang, David Geffen, Amanda Bearse, Greg Louganis, Barney Frank, and Colonel Margaret Cammermeyer: these men and women have helped to break down the stereotype that openly gay and lesbian men and women cannot succeed.

Family Outing reflects this spirit of change - but it also challenges both those still in the closet and those wanting people to stay in the closet to overcome their fears. I hope this book will demystify the coming-out process for gay people and their families and allow them to see that sexual orientation does not limit people in any way. Once we learn to define homosexuality in positive, life-affirming terms, lesbians and gays will move beyond acceptance to true empowerment. I hope that by sharing my story and experience, as well as the stories of others from across the country, I can help all readers reach their own sense of freedom and personal pride in who they are.

© 1998 Chastity Bono

About the Author

Billie Fitzpatrick is a writer and editor living in Sag Harbor, New York.

Chastity Bono lectures around the country on coming out and on gay and lesbian portrayals in the media. She was formerly the entertainment media director of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). From 1995 through 1996, she was Writer-at-Large at The Advocate. In 1996, she became the National Coming Out Project spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign, the nation's largest gay and lesbian political organization. She lives in Los Angeles.