So, Mandy, I hope you've gotten the message. Despite all the things out there pushing women to be unhappy unless they look like the model who's dishing out the low-calorie TV dinner or eating the whole-bran cereal, try to feel good about yourself. It's the attitude, not the looks, that will hold a man.
Joan
Dear Joan,
You say that a woman's personality should count more than her physical appearance, but I just don't get turned on by fat women. Like all men, I often mentally undress women. But doing that with an overweight woman just leaves me cold. I could likely become close friends with a woman like that, but not ever a lover. Is there something wrong with me?
Burt
Dear Burt,
I understand that you'd prefer to date a Playboy centerfold, and if you can find one, go for it. If not, you're going to spend a lot of cold nights waiting, and you'll miss a lot of wonderful people. You say that you could become friends with a less attractive woman; maybe that's okay. Long-lasting love affairs depend on friendship to keep them going. So if you start there, you're one step up. And when you and your "friend" discover that your friendship is becoming more than just that, undressing her will be wonderful and your worries about her appearance the furthest thing from your mind.
Joan
Dear Mrs. Lloyd,
I am a man of average height and weight. When I'm with the guys, I join them in whistling at thin women and pretend to agree with their disparaging comments about "porky" women. But when I'm alone, I like to look at my erotic magazines that feature overweight women. These are the pictures I use when masturbating.
When I date big women, I am always afraid to be seen by my friends. They would probably laugh at me. What do you think?
Chris
Dear Chris,
I think that you're perfectly normal. No one can control who turns them on, your friends' opinions notwithstanding. It's conventional wisdom that men are turned on only by gorgeous girls. If that were true, there would be zillions of single men, since there are too few cover girls to go around. Stop being afraid of who you're seen with and enjoy your dates. I know that's easier said than done, but after the first time, you'll discover that your buddies' opinions are so much less important than your own.
One more point. Are you sure that the "guys" like only skinny women with big breasts like they say they do? Maybe some of them are putting on a show because they are afraid that the "guys" will laugh at them. The fact is that sexual tastes are as variable as there are people in the world. Men like women who are small, big, skinny, fat, strong, weak, dominant, submissive, and so on and so on. Don't swallow that line the "guys" are handing you.
And if your friends criticize your date, maybe you should recon-sider their friendship.
Joan
Dear Joan,
I am thirty years old, five feet five, and I weigh one thirty. I'm a 34C, with a small waist and great hips. I wear a size 8. In addition to those stats, I have a small bone structure and an extremely fast metabolism. I couldn't gain weight if my life depended on it.
Lots of women hate me for my looks and my ability to get dates. Well, I don't find that I get any more second or third dates than other women. Listen, ladies, I get lots of first dates, I'll admit it. I'm attractive and I've got my choice of men. But many of those men just want to be seen with someone who looks like me. With those guys I soon find out that we have nothing in common and we don't have more than one or two dates. The men who stay in my life for longer than a month are interested in me as a person, not as a perfect body, just as they would be with any other woman.
Please stop worrying about women like me, and be your own charming, interesting self.
Doreen from Michigan
Dear Doreen,
Bravo!! I couldn't have said it better myself.
Joan
Dear Ms. Lloyd,
I know you have to be politically correct and all and say that men don't care about looks, but it's really all bull. No real man wants to waste time with a "dog." I'm six two, all muscle, and I go out only with babes: tall, blond, and stacked. Who cares what their personality is like, as long as they know how to give good head?
Vincent
Dear Vincent,
I don't think it's just political correctness. Real men want a woman they can talk to, share interests with, enjoy in and out of bed. Of course, since you're such a hunk, I'm sure you have your pick of women to date. I wonder, however, whether you have any long-term relationships. I also wonder what you and your date do before it's time for sex, and afterward. I would guess that your evenings must be pretty dull if good head is all you care about. But if that's what makes you happy, go for it.
Joan
Dear Joan,
I'm twenty-seven and I'm skinny. I'm not fashionably slender, I'm skinny. My clothes don't fit right and I'm totally flat-chested. I sit with friends at lunch and eat everything, trying to gain weight. All I get are glares from women picking at salads. I guess they're jealous, but there's nothing here to be jealous of.
Frankly I am sick to death of people who cannot accept the way I am because of my size. Women think they're complimenting me when they tell me how thin I am and how they wish they could eat the way I do. Nonsense. It's just as difficult being in this body as it is being in theirs!! If anyone wants to be like me they can have it. I have never liked being thin and never will. Trust me, it's no picnic.
Marsha
Dear Marsha,
I've never thought about this problem from your point of view, and thank you so much for opening my eyes. I've always envied tiny, underweight women as much as the next person, never realizing that many of them have as much of a problem with their self-image as anyone else. Boy, it's sad that the forces of body-evil out there are trying so hard to make us all unhappy so they can sell diet drinks, exercise equipment, and pills of every sort.
On behalf of all of us who have unwittingly insulted you, I sincerely apologize.
Joan
Dear Joan,
I'm a nineteen-year-old male, long curly hair, sharp, silver-gray eyes, six feet two inches tall... and I weigh a good two hundred sixty pounds. This may not actually sound too bad, but it's enough to make me feel insecure about myself. I'm a college sophomore and I have had a few dates, but no relationship has lasted for an extended period of time. I couldn't figure out why, until one day I accidentally overheard one of my former dates bad-mouthing my size to one of her girlfriends.
I don't understand why it is such a factor for many women when they choose a guy. So, women, don't feel alone on this one, since we men get flack for our size as well.
Kirby
Dear Kirby,
Suffice it to say that you just haven't met the right woman yet. I know that sounds trite, and I guess it is, but sometimes the best advice is the oldest and most obvious. Be who you are. Find women who can look beyond the physical and find the person beneath. Only relationships based on common interests and shared ideals flourish in the long run.
While you're looking, keep yourself well groomed and wear clothing that compliments your size. Be proud of the person you are, and you'll find that many women respond as much to attitude as to appearance.
Joan
Copyright © 2001 by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd
About the Author Hi. I'm Joan Eliabeth Lloyd. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
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