Women's Bodies

Totally Private: Answers to the Questions Lovers Long to Ask
by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd

Chapter 1

About Bodies

Dear Joan,
Okay, I'll come right out with it. I'm fat. I'm about fifty pounds over-weight, and although I keep trying to slim down, it never seems to work out. My husband loves me the way I am and wants to make love often, sometimes with the lights on. I'm embarrassed by the way I look and I want to make love in the dark. Now he's gone further. He wants me to buy some sexy lingerie and I just can't deal with it. Please help me.
Mandy

Dear Mandy,
I get several letters a week from women like you who have allowed the size of their body to get in the way of great sex. They tell me that their breasts droop, they have a scar, they are too flat-chested or too big-busted, they have flabby thighs or a thousand other problems.

In a short letter I can't counter the thousands of commercials and stories that insist that the only successful women are the ones who weigh one ten, with semi-large breasts that stand up even when the woman is lying down, slender thighs, and long hair that looks like a shampoo commercial. Sorry, we real women don't look like that. At least I don't, and none of my friends do either. And we have great sex lives despite everything!

I'll admit that you've hit one of my hot buttons. This entire campaign to make us feel bad about ourselves makes me angry. I'm about ten pounds overweight, with thighs filled with cellulite. I've gone from a size ten to a fourteen over the past twenty years, slowly gaining with age, and I've got drooping breasts, which I've had since the birth of my first child.

I can still remember my six-month checkup after her birth. I was just twenty-one and I clearly recall sitting on the obstetrician's exam table putting my bra back on and listening to the doctor mumble while writing on the chart. Abdomen-normal. Breasts-pendulous. I was crushed. Pendulous, droopy breasts. I was doomed never again to be perky, if I ever was.

I'm as guilty as the next woman of that bad body image thing. I still gaze at my breasts in the bathroom mirror after my shower, wishing. Now, however, they have company. Now my tummy sags a bit, my ass is a few inches lower than it was years ago, and my thighs are definitely squishy and lumpy. And I know about all the propaganda we're fed and I'm still susceptible to those bad feelings. I recall an article I read many years ago when Farrah Fawcett was in her heyday as Jill Monroe on Charlie's Angels. Remember? She of the great body and big hair? She of the poster with the gorgeous smile and prominent nipples? The article I read said she thought she had fat thighs. I laughed out loud.

So give up, ladies. You'll never be perfect. And I'll bet you that your husband doesn't care. That shouldn't give you license, however, not to make the most of what you have. Use a bit of makeup, some perfume. Comb your hair and, in general, make yourself look attractive, most of all because that way you'll feel attractive. That's the key. You need to feel attractive.

Almost more important than the way we feel about ourselves is that we're passing this body image obsession on to our daughters. What a pity. I listen to women out in the mall with their school-age daughters, moaning about their weight, lamenting the inability of their diet to cope with ice cream and chocolate cookies. No wonder so many teenaged girls have eating disorders. Much is learned from their mothers. If you want to diet, fine, just don't make it the center of your life, and keep your mouth shut in front of your kids.

So, Mandy, relax and let your husband love you. Buy a sexy nightie and hide it in the bathroom. One evening, slip into the bathroom and turn out the lights so you don't chicken out. Then put the nightie on and ask your husband to dim the lights. Then walk out into the bedroom. The look on your husband's face should convince you of how delicious he thinks you look. Then his actions should match his look.

Since this is such a hot button topic, I posted some information on women's body image and our obsession about weight on my Web page. Here are just some of the responses.

Dear Ms. Lloyd,
I am a big, tall man and I have always been fond of large women. My wife has gained some weight recently (she has never been a small woman) and now she's quite heavy. I have to tell you that I find her as sexy and attractive as the day we met. The way a woman feels about herself directly affects how she looks. If you can, tell ladies who have problems with the way they look not to be ashamed of their body. There is nothing more sexy and provocative as a woman who carries herself with pride, holds her head up, and has a playful spirit. There is nothing worse than seeing a beautiful tall woman wearing flat shoes and hunched over trying to hide her height or a big woman who confines herself to fashions that make her look like a mountain with a head. Stand tall! Wear bright colors! Wear sexy lingerie! Show off your body. There are a lot of men like me who appreciate you.
Jared

Dear Joan,
I am a fat twenty-something married woman who comes from a family of very weight-obsessed women. I have never been exactly skinny, but I was always in great physical shape and played sports and was very popular in high school.

I met the man of my dreams in my first year of college, and for some reason I started gaining weight. I was horrified. That was several years ago, and to date I have gained over fifty pounds. Saying that I felt worthless does not even cover it. My family still reminds me all the time that I am not attractive, and every time I look in the mirror I know that. Despite diets and exercise, I still gain about five pounds a month. I went to many doctors, and they all gave me the same diet, which I have been using for two years.

I finally went to a shrink and discovered lots about myself that I won't go into here, but suffice it to say that there were lots of emotional reasons for my weight gain-first and foremost my family. Let me tell you that, over the year since, my attitude has changed entirely.

Needless to say the "dream man" wasn't long for my world. Obviously my looks had a lot to do with the reasons that we were together, but I now know that my size wouldn't have mattered if he had really loved me.

I've met several wonderful guys since, men who like me for who I am, not what I look like. My attitude has improved dramatically, and I think that's why men are attracted to me, regardless of my weight. Yes, I still try to lose weight, but it's not the center of my life anymore.
Maggie

Dear Joan,
I've been learning slowly that feeling bad about your body has nothing to do with what you really look like. I'm five feet three and I once was a little ninety-pound, skinny, gawky young girl. I'm now one fifty-five and have begun that natural aging process that makes my body soft and a bit flabby.

I had a revelation some months ago. I realized that somewhere between being unhappy and skinny at ninety pounds and unhappy and droopy at one fifty-five, I must have passed through my ideal weight. And I never knew it! I was too busy feeling bad about myself. Somewhere I missed lots of good feelings by always focusing on the negative.

Anyway, I've done a lot of thinking, and I now realize that, although I may not have a board-flat stomach anymore and I may have a bit too much skin under my arms, I can be happy with myself. I've changed my entire attitude. That's not to say that I don't often look in the mirror and wish I were different, but that doesn't affect me the way it used to. I can lament, without feeling bad about ME. I'm terrific!!!

So for those of you who might be unhappy with your ap-pearance, I say, Look deep inside. Look into your heart and ask yourself, "Am I happy with who I am?" If the answer is yes, put that damned scale away. If you're not happy, find out why-it's probably not just your weight. But whatever you do, every time you look in the mirror, smile real big and tell yourself that you are fantastic!!
Sally

Dear Joan,
I too have always been body-conscious, and I've tried many dramatic weight-loss systems and fad diets. I dieted, exercised, and got nowhere. It was important to me to get thinner, so at thirty-six I discovered that it took a conscious effort on my part, combining the right nutrition and exercise. I lost seventy-five lbs. and, sadly, I lost my husband of seven years in the process. Amazingly enough, he's now with a woman who is the size I used to be. I guess during my obsession about my weight, I forgot about him.

What all this has taught me is that I have to be who I am for me, and not for anybody else. It took me far too long to figure that out.
Terri

Dear Joan Lloyd,
I'm a forty-year-old man and I wanted to comment on women and this body image thing. I listen to talk shows and I'm amazed at how many women feel really bad about themselves. During my dating years, I went out with all kinds and sizes of women: fat, thin, short, and tall. And to me they were all beautiful. Of course I wasn't physically attracted to every woman I saw, but I found (and I still believe) that physical appearance, although it might attract me at first, wasn't what held my interest. Appearance had little if any affect on my desire to have a second date with a woman.

The most wonderful woman I ever dated was chubby and beautiful. Her smile was alive and charming, and she had a heart of gold. I knew that I would rather spend my entire life with somebody like that at my side than with a "perfect ten" who would constantly ask me, "Is my butt getting too big?"

You probably guessed that the chubby woman is now my wife. Since our marriage, she has changed her hairstyle, lost weight, gained weight, and now she's settled somewhere in the middle. All I care about is that she's happy. This whole hang-up that women have with their bodies just makes me ill. I don't care how big your butt is, just be your own beautiful self. And stay away from those horrible diet pills-is it really worth poisoning yourself just to look thinner?
Charlie

Copyright © 2001 by Joan Elizabeth Lloyd

About the Author

Hi. I'm Joan Eliabeth Lloyd. Let me tell you a bit about myself.