Promises, Promises

The Simple Abundance Companion
by Sarah Ban Breathnach

(Page 2 of 4)

For where does one run to when [s]he's already in the promised land?

CLAUDE BROWN

During the early seventies I worked in London as a fledgling freelance writer and earned in a flush week about $75. Of necessity, I inhabited a dreary, cheerless cell euphemistically known as a “bed-sitter.” It had a hot plate to cook on, a sink, a two-shelf “fridge,” and about ten feet of space. The bathroom was down the hall, and every time I wanted to take a hot bath I had to put a shilling into a meter to fire up the furnace for five minutes. But my cell was located off the fashionable Kings Road in Chelsea just around the corner from the studio of an amazing young shoe designer named Manolo Blahnik. Almost every day I would walk by his little mews house, stop and gaze longingly and lovingly at his sophisticated cobbler's confections. But since the price of one pair of his shoes then cost more than a month's rent, my gossamer visions of Old Hollywood glamour precariously perched on three-inch heels were consigned to the vast void of “someday.”

I had arrived in England with little more than that glorious unshakable certainty one possesses only between the ages of eighteen and twenty-seven that I could make all my dreams of fame and fortune come true within one year-the window of opportunity ordained by my round-trip excursion fare ticket. When I didn't and only a few days separated me from having to make an excruciating decision-return home or remain abroad-I learned a priceless lesson about the magical, mysterious, and mystical power of promises to reconfigure our future in Divine ways.

In my pocket was the check from my last assignment. If I stayed it would have to take care of the bare necessities-room, board, and ransoming my typewriter from the pawnshop. If truth be told, I was barely surviving; most of the time I was cold and hungry, not to mention psychically and physically exhausted from constant worry about money. (I shudder at the thought of my daughter in a similar situation.) But going home meant not just giving up and giving in, it also meant withering forever under the suffocating smugness of “we told you so”s. Staying meant toughing it out until I got some visible sign that Heaven appreciated my mettle and applauded my moxie.

On the other hand, if I returned home, I could splurge on a pair of Manolo's shoes. But one pair? Just one pair? There were so many beautiful possibilities, I couldn't make up my mind. How could I make such a choice? As absurd as this sounds, the fact that I couldn't choose between the hot pink pumps and the leopardskin stilettos altered the trajectory of my life. Now I realize that wanting something more out of life than just one pair of shoes was Spirit's way of urging me not to sell myself short, limit my dreams or my flamboyant, passionate, extravagant faith. Stay, Sarah, and I promise that one day you'll come back here and walk out with as many pairs of Manolo Blahnik shoes as you want. I stayed.

It took me twenty-five years to be reunited with my sole-mate, but true love withstands the test of time. Those shoes were far more than coveted fashion accessories. They were a symbol of my ultimate commitment to myself. I am blessed to be living most of my dreams but honoring that self-promise was one of the most soul-satisfying things I've ever done. Women are great at delivering on their word when it's someone else counting on us, but when no one else is looking or listening we renege on ourselves with a ruthlessness that's heartbreaking. At least I know I have.

Promises predict a woman's future better than any crystal ball ever could. That's because the promises we make decide how we shall spend, invest, or squander our Life's currency: time, creative energy, and emotion. We tend to think through the implications of promises we've made well after we've already committed to them. Just ask any woman who has mysteriously found herself chauffeuring a carload of kids to the mall on a Saturday afternoon instead of getting a badly needed haircut, meeting a friend for lunch, or showing up for that yoga class she's wanted to attend for the last six months.

There are two kinds of promises-Outer and Inner. Outer promises are those we make to our family, friends, colleagues, church, the PTA bake sale coordinator. Outer promises are often unconscious. Think about the absent-minded nod of assent when you're distracted-when you're on the phone, perusing papers, or concentrating on something else. We also tend to promise more than we can reasonably deliver when we're feeling uncomfortable-when we're coming down with the flu, tired, worried, depressed, or anxious. Make a rule for yourself: When your defenses are down, don't promise anything more than a “maybe.”

Outer promises often come disguised as peacemakers because they keep children quiet, get our significant others to stop nagging, reassure the boss. But promises offered only to be cooperative or amiable are deceptive and disruptive. If you dread it, don't agree to do it. If you do end up doing it despite your dread, you'll despise the whole deal and everyone connected to it, including yourself.

Inner promises are those we make to our minds, bodies, and spirits. Join a book club. Start an exercise program. Find an uninterrupted hour a day to call your own. Although self-promises tend to be pleasurable and positive rather than punitive, we rarely keep them. Why? Because without accountability, visibility, pressure, shame, or guilt as our personal prompts we don't think they really matter. We don't believe that our happiness, well-being, or contentment counts for much. If we did we would be considered self-centered. When we break self-promises we are under the illusion that there are no repercussions-after all, we reason, who else knows, cares, or is keeping track of the fact that you can't be counted on?

Our inner promises represent authentic needs and come wrapped up in wishes of “want.” Outer promises are gifts we give to others and often are wrapped up in “should.” Desire versus Demand. This does not mean that you genuinely don't want to manage the bazaar craft booth, take your elderly aunt to the doctor, or write a glowing recommendation for your friend's daughter. But if you find yourself doing all three in one week it's time you became aware of your personal pattern of promise making.

Can you recall the last five promises you made? (If you can't you've just discovered what I mean by unconscious ones.) Just as there are personal patterns in how we spend money, avoid confrontation, and deal with depression, we've each got a promise pattern based on our need to please. Did you offer or were you asked? If you were asked, did you even register what was requested of you at the time? See if you can recall what prompted you to say yes. We can't change our behavior until we know how we're acting.

A woman I know who is a successful judge recently recalled her graduate school days when she was studying music. She was so poor that she and her roommate would share an opera ticket-one would see the first act, the other the second. She promised herself that someday she'd become so successful she'd sit in the best seat in the house and never even ask what the price was. She confessed proudly that she still feels a small shiver of self-pleasure in continuing to honor her thirty-year-old promise. But not just of her accomplishments in the legal profession. A fourth-row orchestra seat is a powerful reminder that she is the best kind of promise keeper-not only in the eyes of the world but in the eyes of her own soul.

What long-overdue promises to yourself are in your past? This would be a great year to make good on them. A promise is a solemn, sacred prayer and you are a woman worthy of your word.

Copyright © 2000 by Sarah Ban Breathnach

About the Author

SARAH BAN BREATHNACH'S (pronounced “Bon Brannock”) work celebrates quiet joys, simple pleasures and everyday epiphanies. The wisdom, warmth, compassion and disarming candor of her No. 1 New York Times bestsellers, SIMPLE ABUNDANCE: A DAYBOOK OF COMFORT AND JOY and SOMETHING MORE have made her a trusted voice to millions of women.