(Page 5 of 5)

Now that you've analyzed your assumptions about yourself and your date, and considered ways you can express yourself positively and expand your vision regarding him, it's time to take the last step in destroying those "secret messages" that can sabotage your date: examining your expectations regarding the date itself. Do you consider a first date a kind of business deal in which you assess what kind of car your partner drives, where he takes you for dinner, and how well he treats you, and then dispense your time, attention, or sexual favors accordingly? If you already know you're attracted to your date, do you see this first outing as a do-or-die situation in which you plan to "land" him right away no matter what? Maybe you think of dating as just like going out with the girls-a movie, a few drinks, a few laughs, and then a casual good night. Perhaps you see it as something like applying for a job or auditioning for a part in a movie. Then again, you may have been on so many first dates that you can hardly force yourself to think about this one in advance at all.

The fact is, if this date is to lead to a significant relationship, it should probably bear little resemblance to any of the scenarios I've just described. Business deals, casual outings, auditions, and business-as-usual are all examples of dating situations with short-term goals. Constructive dating, on the other hand, is a method two people use to decide whether they suit each other in the long term. To date effectively, the participants must approach the evening with the expectation that they'll learn valuable information about each other that can help them decide whether they harbor the right "checks and balances" to support a deeper romance. For example, if the man is a possessive type, does the woman enjoy being possessed? If the woman enjoys her career and is successful at it, does the man enjoy being with a woman who can take care of herself? Once you get beyond the nonproductive images of dates as dinner-for-sex tradeoffs, as job interviews, etc., and see them instead as tools for moving you closer to your relationship goals, much of the "first-date" jitters are likely to disappear. You may even find yourself looking forward to your next date with an enthusiasm you never knew before.

Following is an exercise to help you turn your next first date into a constructive date that can either tell you this man isn't the one for you or can move you a step further toward a long-term relationship. It takes a little more research than the previous two quizzes, but the change in attitude you're likely to experience makes the extra effort worthwhile.

EXERCISE: what Kind of Date Is This?

Listen to a friend's account of her first date with her husband or long-term partner. Ask for details, then write down the story of the date and analyze it for clues to what made it work. How does it coincide with your assumptions about how a first date works? How does it contradict them? How can you approach your own next date in a way that might lead to an outcome as happy as your friend's?

Chances are, however the story goes that your friend tells you, it will have both of you smiling before it's through. She may laugh as she tells you how amusingly awkward she and her now-husband were at first, or how hard each tried to impress the other. Her eyes may light up as she describes the impact of seeing her date across a crowded room, or feeling his hand on her arm. It's no coincidence that all successful first-date stories contain such an element of pleasure. As I mentioned before (and will mention again), the thrill of seduction, in all its permutations, provides fully one-half the fuel for a healthy romance. So learn from your friend's experience, and don't take your dating lessons too terribly seriously. As important as a "correct approach" to dating is a light and hopeful heart.

Are You Ready?

You've done a lot of analyzing, investigating, and attitude changing, and your date hasn't even rung the doorbell yet! Don't worry-all this preparation is aimed at making your dates not only more productive, but more fun. In the next chapters I'll examine specific ways to move from fruitless "high-quantity dating" to productive "high-quality dating"-by taking control of the messages you send, creating a more enticing first impression, and setting the stage for Act I of a lifetime of love.

© 1998 by Bart Ellis

Tags: Dating For Women

About the Author

Bart Ellis is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker in private practice in West Los Angeles. Bart is recognized nationally and internationally as The Date Doctor… He is one of the foremost authorities in the nation on dating and relationships issues. He is also the originator of Power Dating… An innovative dating technique that gives healthy, normal men and women feedback on their dating style, their sex appeal....As well as helpful tips on how to have great dates and how to avoid dating disasters! Power Dating has been featured nationally and internationally in the media and the press (Dateline NBC, Leeza, Good Morning America, Hard Copy, Extra, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Marie Claire Magazine, and Men's Health).