#3 Evaluate Him

The Date Doctor's Guide to Dating : How to Get from First Date to Perfect Mate
by Bart Ellis

(Page 4 of 5)

When meeting a man for the first time in a potentially romantic situation, you inevitably convey "secret messages" not only about yourself, but about how you see the man as well. Your assumptions about men in general are unconsciously communicated in the ways you interact with each individual male, and your date is likely to pick up on these messages whether he's conscious of doing so or not. For this reason it's a good idea to examine your assumptions about men and analyze the ways these assumptions affect the tone of your encounters.

No one likes to be judged according to stereotypes, and allowing yourself to believe that "all men hate commitment" or "all men want is sex" isn't fair to you or your date. What's more, such negative assumptions are likely to express themselves in behavior that will turn your date off without your realizing why. Of course, after years of not-very-successful dating or a bad relationship or two, it's all too easy to write off the entire male gender on the strength of one's bad experiences. If you're going to end up in a fruitful relationship, though, it's vital to fight your prejudices and see each date as an individual.

Let's look at the common idea women have that most men these days are afraid to commit. Taking that "fact" for granted can lead to such negative dating behavior as lowered expectations, cynicism, premature pressure on the date to prove he's interested in a relationship with you, and manipulative "games" designed to trick him into committing. Before you analyze your own dating behavior in this light, try looking more closely at the stereotype itself. Assuming there's some truth in the idea, ask yourself why some men might fear commitment more than men did in the past. Ask yourself whether you may have feared commitment at some point in your life. (When you suspected you were being tricked or lied to, or simply didn't feel ready emotionally?) Try to think of instances in which your fear disappeared. (When a date allowed you the freedom to commit at your own pace, perhaps, and otherwise treated you with respect?)

When a first date arrives at your door, do you hope he sees you as you really are, not as he thinks women are in general? If so, offer him the same consideration. Wait until you know him better to decide, for example, whether he has a problem committing to relationships. If not, your negative attitude may scare him off before he's even had time to consider a long-term relationship with you.

The assumptions we make about the opposite sex are abundant and varied, and all of us make them in one form or another. What's important is to ferret out these unconscious prejudices and make sure they aren't sabotaging our relationships before they have a chance to blossom. Complete the following quiz before your next date rings your doorbell. Then, when you open your door to him, make a point of giving him the benefit of the doubt.

QUIZ: WHAT KIND OF MAN IS HE?

1. If I had to generalize, I'd say that what all men want from a relationship with a woman is…

2. On a date, I deal with this by…

3. The result of my behavior has usually been…

4. Following are three anecdotes taken from friends, the newspapers, etc., in which a man didn't act according to the description I wrote in sentence number one.

© 1998 by Bart Ellis

About the Author

Bart Ellis is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker in private practice in West Los Angeles. Bart is recognized nationally and internationally as The Date Doctor… He is one of the foremost authorities in the nation on dating and relationships issues. He is also the originator of Power Dating… An innovative dating technique that gives healthy, normal men and women feedback on their dating style, their sex appeal....As well as helpful tips on how to have great dates and how to avoid dating disasters! Power Dating has been featured nationally and internationally in the media and the press (Dateline NBC, Leeza, Good Morning America, Hard Copy, Extra, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Marie Claire Magazine, and Men's Health).