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One of the best ways to improve your dating life is to ask yourself-before you go out on another date-what your assumptions are about yourself and how you express these assumptions to a man you're just getting to know. Do you consider yourself an intelligent woman who deserves to be appreciated as such? If so, how do you communicate this information about yourself to a first date? When he states a fact that you know is wrong, do you correct him? Do you argue over the details of a story you both read in the paper, amend his quotes, or insist that you're right about the exact date an event occurred? If so, you may feel you're demonstrating your intelligence, but the negativity of your expression (arguing, correcting, haggling about details) will most likely eclipse the message that you're good at remembering things. Instead of competing with your date to prove your intelligence, try skipping the irritating challenges of fact and instead contribute to the conversatione-say, by introducing some history behind the news event he's brought up, or by offering a creative solution to a problem he's expressed. Such positive efforts will not only keep the conversation flowing smoothly, but will earn his respect more effectively than arguing ever would.

Do you prize your independence, and long for a partner who can love you while letting you "have your own space"? If so, consider whether you express this personality trait negatively, by refusing to let a first date pay for dinner or open the door for you (thus implying that you don't need him for anything), or positively, by describing to him some of the adventures you've enjoyed lately on your own (thus depicting yourself as a woman it might be fun to share a life with).

Are you a person who's happiest sharing everything with her lover, no matter how personal it is?

You can express this quality in off-putting ways, by sampling food from your first-date's plate or divulging the most intimate details of your last affaire-or positively (and less threateningly) by, for example:

• touching his arm occasionally as you talk.
  
  
• listening attentively to his personal conversation.
  
  
• asking with real interest about his family and friends, his likes and dislikes, and his hopes for the future.
  
  

No matter what type of woman you are or what your assumptions about life and the way it should be lived, a first date offers you an excellent opportunity to demonstrate why you'd be a wonderful woman to share a life with. Learning to express your distinctive personality in positive ways, rather than adopting an artificial personality supposedly attractive to all men, is the most effective route toward attracting a man who's right for you. Following is a brief quiz designed to help you translate your most basic convictions into positive, but still genuine behavior. Take the time to complete these sentences and you should see a startling difference in the way your relationships progress from the very next date.

QUIZ: WHAT KIND OF WOMAN ARE YOU?

1. If I had to describe myself in a few brief phrases, I'd say I am…

2. The ways I've expressed these unique traits on a first date in the past include…

3. If my date exhibited the same behavior, I would…

4. My dates have responded to my behavior by…

5. In the future, I might express my personality in more positive or attractive ways by…

© 1998 by Bart Ellis

Tags: Dating For Women

About the Author

Bart Ellis is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker in private practice in West Los Angeles. Bart is recognized nationally and internationally as The Date Doctor… He is one of the foremost authorities in the nation on dating and relationships issues. He is also the originator of Power Dating… An innovative dating technique that gives healthy, normal men and women feedback on their dating style, their sex appeal....As well as helpful tips on how to have great dates and how to avoid dating disasters! Power Dating has been featured nationally and internationally in the media and the press (Dateline NBC, Leeza, Good Morning America, Hard Copy, Extra, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Marie Claire Magazine, and Men's Health).