Secret Messages

The Date Doctor's Guide to Dating : How to Get from First Date to Perfect Mate
by Bart Ellis

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On the surface the dating process seems, even if nerve-racking, at least a relatively straightforward process. Two people meet over dinner, have a conversation, size each other up, and decide whether they want to date again. Though this is indeed the purpose and structure of a typical first date, as a definition it misses the more profound exchanges that take place between two peoplee-the "secret messages" the dating partners exchange that frequently make or break a potential romance.

What are these secret messages? They're the often unconscious expressions of certain assumptions that you and your dating partner have incorporated into your worldview so long ago that you no longer realize they're a part of you. They're the way you translate your unique attitudes and character into specific behaviors that your date will observe and remember. For example, let's say you have a very natural personalitye-an honest approach to life that includes a belief in casual dress and a casual lifestyle and an aversion to playing games. What you really want, you may say to yourself, is a partner who will "accept me for what I am. " If so, when preparing for a first date you may be unconsciously influenced by that desire in ways that can sabotage your goals. You may wear unflattering jeans and a T-shirt to dinner, for example, or forgo wearing makeup or doing something with your hair. What you believe you're telling your date with this behavior is, This is the real me, and if you don't like it it's better we know that now." But the "secret" message (secret to you, that is, but the message your date is likely to receive) is, "I'm not even interested enough in you to dress up for our date."

It's easy to see that even when your date finds you interesting and enjoys the time he's spent with youe-even enough to ask you out on a second or third datee-in the end your refusal to demonstrate that you consider those dates a "special occasion" by trying to look attractive may weigh negatively in the balance when he decides whether he wants to take this relationship further. Almost everyone likes a little glamour and romance now and then. Your date may feel that with you he'd always be locked in to one "down-home" approach to lifee-that if he wanted to go to a formal party or even a dance club, he probably couldn't take you. This is just one example of how unconscious messages can sabotage potential relationships, but I'm struck by how often my clients destroy their chances in a similar manner, even if their own messages are very different.

My goal in the following chapters is to show you how to examine your own basic attitudes toward life, toward men, and toward yourself, and to express those attitudes in an attractive, positive, productive way. By presenting your true self in the best possible light, you'll not only enable your first date to see you as you really are, but he'll be able to imagine all the potential for fun, fulfillment, and joy that a relationship with you might hold. You can learn to send the "right" kinds of secret messagese-and avoid sending the wrong onese-by following four steps:

1. Accentuate the positive

2. Evaluate yourself

3. Evaluate him

4. Review your expectations

#1 Accentuate the Positive

Returning to the example of the "natural" woman, let's examine how she might express her philosophy in ways that would win her the accepting, warm partner she hopes for. Her first step would be to reexamine her fundamental statement: "Men should accept me for what I am." If you agree with this statement, ask yourself this: What are you, really? Are you a sloppy dresser whose regard for other people is so low you refuse to make the effort to look pleasant for them? Are you a person with such low self-esteem that going out to dinner with dirty fingernails or paint in your hair is par for the course? Are you so self-centered that you feel you can talk on and on about your most negative emotions even if your date is likely to be embarrassed or turned off?

Of course not. You want a man to accept you for what you are, not you at your worst.

Sometimes it's easier to spot an attitude "mistranslation" if we imagine it expressed by a man. If your first date appeared at your doorstep in his grease- or ink-smudged work clothes, or spent the entire evening telling you about his previous girlfriend, chances are you'd feel pretty offended, or at least bored, by the end of the evening. Yet when questioned, this man might also be operating under the assumption that his date should "see him as he is." The point is, first impressions really are important on a date. You and your date's initial appearance and your first few conversations go a long way toward creating the "chemistry" that can make or break the relationship. It's quite possible to put your best foot forward on a first date without compromising your unique self. Your dress, makeup, hair, and conversation can convey the message that you've looked forward to this date, that you're interested in your escort, and that you're honestly wondering whether there might be potential for something more between the two of you. Treating yourself and your date like special people, worthy of attention, often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. When your date looks back on your time together, that sense of "specialness" you've created may well inspire him to look deeper at the essential you.

Look back on your initial assumption that you want to be accepted for what you are. Isn't it true what you really hope for is to be appreciated for what you are at your best?

© 1998 by Bart Ellis

About the Author

Bart Ellis is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker in private practice in West Los Angeles. Bart is recognized nationally and internationally as The Date Doctor… He is one of the foremost authorities in the nation on dating and relationships issues. He is also the originator of Power Dating… An innovative dating technique that gives healthy, normal men and women feedback on their dating style, their sex appeal....As well as helpful tips on how to have great dates and how to avoid dating disasters! Power Dating has been featured nationally and internationally in the media and the press (Dateline NBC, Leeza, Good Morning America, Hard Copy, Extra, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Marie Claire Magazine, and Men's Health).