The Goal

The Date Doctor's Guide to Dating : How to Get from First Date to Perfect Mate
by Bart Ellis

Getting It Right from the Start

It's the morning after another first date. You had fun, you liked the guy, and he seemed to like you. Yet the phone sits silent the entire day, and the day after, and the day after that. Did you blow it? Why doesn't he call?

Lately, more often than not, this seems to be the burning question on your mind … why, why, why? Getting asked out on a first date isn't a problem for you, but moving from those initial two or three getting-to-know-you meetings to a real, lasting relationship is. Could you be doing or saying something that turns these men off? Is there something about you that makes them see you as a pal, a business contact, a casual lover, or even a confessor, but not as a potential long-term partner? Do they assume you've crossed them off your own list, and that's why they don't call you back?

For years, in my capacity as a Los Angeles dating consultant, I've listened to questions such as these from clients who are sick of going out on date after date and never getting anywhere. I've heard these women weep, endlessly analyze, and simply yell in frustration at how difficult it seems these days to enter into a loving relationship. Sometimes, the causes of their failure to find lasting love are evident to me the moment they start to talk. More often, the reasons surface after a "Power Date" or two, during which their dating habits are observed by one of my trained associates, and I've begun discussing positive alternative behaviors with them.

One of the greatest sources of trouble for my clients lies in their confusion between the goal of "getting a man" and that of having a serious relationship. They may have become expert at adhering to a rigid, external code of dating behavior (such as never asking a man out, or never accepting a date if the man calls at the last minute) or adopting an artificial personality ("Be vivacious. Men like that.") that enables them to rack up date after date. Yet they sense that, in the end, this series of brief nonrelationships gets them nowhere fast. As intent on "bagging their prey" as some men are on "scoring," these women's phones may ring all day long, but they are still alone.

Other women resist the idea of "playing games" in order to get a man. Not only do they believe it would be impossible to keep up such a charade on a long-term basis, but they sense-correctlye-that any man hooked by a fake personality is likely to lose interest once the act begins to wind down. Still, by refusing to make an effort to play the seduction game they also end up lonely and alone.

The problem with both these approaches lies in their focus on the "scenario" of the date rather than on dating as a vehicle for communication between two unique individuals. A woman who is focused during a date on reeling in a man isn't likely to notice or appreciate that particular man's special qualitiese-and, of course, her date will eventually sense that she sees him as just a commodity. A woman who "refuses to play games" misses her chance to communicate her desire and desirability to her date, prematurely lumping him into the category of all the other men who are too blind to appreciate her.

On the other hand, approaching a date seriously as the possible beginning of a long-term relationship between two well-meaning individuals, rather than as a short-term struggle between hunter and prey, allows each of you to begin learning at once who the other is and what you're looking for in a lover. This honest exchange of information, mixed with a judicious dose of harmless, enticing "fun and games," is the only way that healthy long-term partnerships get started.

Sometimes, in their baffled state, my clients tell me they want to give up on the practice of dating and just live hoping that romance will drift their way by chancee-or else force the commitment issue with any man who expresses interest in them by telling him right off what sort of relationship they want and insisting that he take it or leave it right then. It's understandable that after years of suffering through the often tense and unnatural routine of dating you might also be wondering. "What's the point?" But the fact remains that in our Western culture, lacking for the most part traditional matchmakers or even interested (or effective) relatives, dating remains by far the most effective way to get to know a member of the opposite sex, weigh his character traits, interests, and circumstances against your own, and decide whether he has the potential for helping you build a happy and fulfilling future. What's important is to get past the first few somewhat awkward meetings to an honest and productive joining of hearts and minds, to move from "just dating" to "testing the waters," and maybe even to "falling in love."

The ability to consciously use the dating process to achieve your relationship goals is what I call "constructive dating," and it's what I'll address in this chapter and the ones to follow. It involves learning to express your special personality in positive ways that will attract an appropriate mate; keeping your own best interests at the forefront when assessing a potential partner; avoiding misunderstandings that can nip potential relationships in the bud; taking risks that can enhance and deepen a love affair; and tuning in to the "relationship comfort zone" that will bond the two of you together, happily forever after.

© 1998 by Bart Ellis

About the Author

Bart Ellis is a Board Certified Clinical Social Worker in private practice in West Los Angeles. Bart is recognized nationally and internationally as The Date Doctor… He is one of the foremost authorities in the nation on dating and relationships issues. He is also the originator of Power Dating… An innovative dating technique that gives healthy, normal men and women feedback on their dating style, their sex appeal....As well as helpful tips on how to have great dates and how to avoid dating disasters! Power Dating has been featured nationally and internationally in the media and the press (Dateline NBC, Leeza, Good Morning America, Hard Copy, Extra, Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, Baltimore Sun, Marie Claire Magazine, and Men's Health).