Don't Work To Change Others

Seven Things That Steal Your Joy: Overcoming the Obstacles to Your Happiness
by Joyce Meyer

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As I said before, I tried so long to change my husband, but it never really helped. As a matter of fact, it only made things worse because people rebel when they know someone is trying to remodel them.

People want to have the freedom to be who they are. Everyone wants a little space. No one wants to have to endure judgment and criticism from somebody else who is constantly trying to rework them.

Finally, Dave and I made an agreement that we would stop trying to change each other because, otherwise, our marriage wasn't going to work.

The fact is that God made men and women to be different, and He did that on purpose. We are to help build each other up where we have frailties, but we are not called to change our differences. We are in each other's lives to encourage each other to become all God has in mind for us to be.

If God has given you a marriage partner who seems very different from you, most likely He did that because your spouse has some gift or ability or characteristic that you don't have but need. Together you complement each other with your strengths and depend on each other in your areas of weakness.

“But my partner drives me crazy,” you may say. Well, you probably drive your partner crazy, too. Many couples are divorcing today because they say they are not compatible. But the truth is that in the natural, there are no two people in the world who are 100 percent compatible.

The Word says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). It sounds so easy when you read in the Bible that a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two of them will become one flesh. The leaving and cleaving part is not usually difficult. It is the part about becoming one that is the problem.

I can now say that Dave and I have become one flesh. But in the beginning it was not any fun. I was trying to change him, he was trying to change me, and we had all kinds of problems.

Dave was laid back and didn't worry about anything; to him everything was okay. I was always worrying about everything. For example, I would be in the kitchen counting up the money and the bills-and there would always be more bills than money. While I was in there worrying, Dave would be in the living room playing with the kids. That made me mad because I wanted him to come into the kitchen and worry with me.

I would ask him, “Why should you be in there enjoying yourself while I've got all this burden on me?” “You don't have to have the burden; nobody told you to do that,” he would say. “We tithe. We give. We're doing what God is telling us to do. God takes care of us. Don't worry. Come in here and play with us.”

Oh, no, I had to worry. I had to try to figure out where the money was going to come from to pay all those bills. I would say, “Well, if God is going to give it to us, who is He going to give it to us through, and how is He going to give it to us, and when is it going to come?” Perhaps you recognize these symptoms of worry in yourself:

“Why, God, why?”
“When, God, when?”
“How, God, how?”
“Who, God, who?”

I wanted answers. I didn't want to trust; I wanted to know. I wanted a blueprint laid out in front of me for everything because I didn't really know how to trust God.

ARE YOU RESTLESS OR RESTING?

The Bible teaches us that those who believe God enter into His rest. That is one way you can tell whether you are really in faith, or whether you are just trying to have faith. When you enter into the realm of faith, you enter into the rest of God: “We who have believed (adhered to and trusted in and relied on God) do enter that rest” (Hebrews 4:3).

Rest is freedom from excessive reasoning, struggle, fear, inner turmoil, worry, and frustration, which develop because of our working to do what only God can do. Being in God's rest is not resting from physical activity but resting in confidence in the midst of everything that goes on in life. It is a rest of the soul-the mind, will, and emotions being at peace.

You can rest in God because you know He is going to take care of you and meet your need. You don't know when or how, and you really don't care because you are enjoying the life you have right now while God is working on your problem.

God wants us to live that way. But to do that, we have to “believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out]” (Hebrews 11:6).

Dave and I are about as different as any two people can be, and yet we have learned to get along with one another.

We have learned to respect each other's differences. We work on so many projects together that we have to trust God.

What about you? Which way do you want to live? Do you want to live by God's promise, or do you want to live by struggle?

I believe God has you reading this book so you will make a decision about how you want to live your life. If you are worn out, I urge you to enter into God's rest. I encourage you to quit trying to control everyone and everything around you and simply allow God to do for you what only He can do.

No matter what you face, God wants to help you. After His Son, Jesus, died on the cross for our sins, was resurrected from the grave, and ascended into heaven, God sent the Holy Spirit to be in close fellowship with us. If you have invited Jesus into your heart, the Holy Spirit is your Helper, and He is standing by to give you comfort and aid.

That means you don't ever have to face your problems alone.

I have learned that even if I get into trouble through a lack of wisdom or some fleshly disobedience, I don't have to face it by myself. I can turn back to God for help, and He won't let me down.

Copyright © 2004 by Joyce Meyer

About the Author

JOYCE MEYER has been teaching the Word of God since 1976 and in full-time ministry since 1980. She is the bestselling author of more than fifty inspirational books, including How to Hear from God, Knowing God Intimately, and Battlefield of the Mind. She has also released thousands of teaching cassettes and a complete video library. Joyce's Enjoying Everyday Life radio and television programs are broadcast around the world, and she travels extensively conducting conferences.