Take Time to Connect Daily

Kid CEO: How to Keep Your Children from Running Your Life
by Ed Young

(Page 6 of 7)

An established bedtime is good for your kids, and it is also good for you. Parents, do not ask your kids, “Are you sleepy? Are you ready for bed?” Instead, put them down when you are ready, based on the agenda you have set. You are not putting them to bed early just for their benefit; you are doing it for the benefit of your marriage relationship, which in turn benefits the whole family.

Our children know that Mom and Dad need time to connect. By word and example, we are communicating to our kids that what we have going on as husband and wife is very important. I need to emphasize, though, that just because we have the time to connect after the kids have gone to bed does not mean that it automatically happens. Many temptations encroach upon those few precious moments Lisa and I have together in the evening. Some of those temptations come from the technological distractions that fill our lives and our homes. Gary Chapman also noted the sense of isolation that technology can bring: “Some sociologists feel that advanced technology has encouraged individuality and isolation, that we have turned our efforts toward becoming a success as an individual, and that we have lost the concept of succeeding as a family.” Don't let technological temptations ruin your family time or the limited time you have with your spouse.

One of the toughest temptations is the urge to pick up the remote and channel surf for the rest of the evening. I'm not saying you or I would ever do this, but I've heard some people fall asleep in their easy chairs with the remote controls embedded in their hands. Let me say this as simply as I can: put down the remote, and spend some time with your spouse. Here is a challenge I like to give to married couples: don't just turn off the television and put down the remote; unplug the television and take it out of the bedroom. A television should not be in the bedroom. The same goes for the computer. Instead of channel surfing, you may be tempted to surf the Web late into the evening. Take the computer out of the bedroom, and if the Internet is coming between you and your spouse, cancel your Internet service. The bedroom should be a place of intimacy, a place of joy, and a place of conversation.

Perhaps your temptation is the telephone. Instead of picking up the remote, you pick up the phone and have two-hour phone conversations with a friend or relative. Lisa and I often have phone-free nights on which we agree not to answer the phone or make any outgoing calls. If you are one of those people who can't stand to let a phone ring without picking it up, then turn off the ringer. It really is okay to let the phone ring without answering it. Say this to yourself every night: “I am the master of the telephone. The telephone is not the master of me.”

Here's another temptation: do not let housework or office work distract you from spending quality time alone with your spouse. If you need to complete some work, then agree together to set a time limit. Spend an hour on work and the rest of the evening talking together in front of the fire, going for a long walk, reading a book together, holding hands on the patio and watching the stars (or the mosquitoes if you live in Texas), or, dare I say, making passionate love together. Take time to connect in a real and intimate way after your kids are in bed, and you won't believe where it will lead.

Limit the ECAs

The next thing parents must do to take back the leadership role and to set the agenda is to place a reasonable limit on your children's ECAs. I'm referring to extracurricular activities. I know that you as a parent want the best for your children, as do I. But the question begs to be asked: what is the best? Most of the time, the answer to that question involves limitations, discipline, and sacrificing the good things for the great things. If you asked parents, “What is the best thing you could give your child?” most would answer, “A strong moral and spiritual foundation to carry them through life.” In theory we believe that, but in practice many of us allow other things to distract us from that ultimate goal. Oftentimes, those other things are all of the extracurricular activities that fill our afternoons, evenings, and weekends. Many parents have allowed ECAs to take priority in their families: cheerleading, dance or voice classes, basketball, football, baseball, hockey-you name it. All of these activities are jockeying for our time and our kids' time, often pushing out the things that matter most.

Extracurricular activities help kids, and I am definitely not advocating a ban on ECAs. The lessons and skills they can learn in these activities and experiences are good. But these merely good things have a way of eclipsing the great things. Oftentimes, ECAs are in direct conflict with marital and family times where those moral, spiritual, and intimate foundations are formed.

When children reach the age of twelve or thirteen and face difficult choices, when they're trying to negotiate the maze of life, what are they going to rely on? On cheerleading or football or basketball? Those activities are not going to give them the knowledge and wisdom to help them make those tough choices. They need a sure foundation. And the ultimate foundation is found only in a growing relationship with God. Don't let culture decide what is important. You make that decision as parents who know what's best for your kids.

We're in a fight-a fight for our families and our marriages. And one of the major weapons in our arsenal is how we use our time. Too many families are overscheduled and over-whelmed with merely good stuff, while they are missing out on all of the great things God wants for them! The key to scheduling extracurricular activities for your kids is proactively establishing priorities. It is beneficial to have kids in school and community activities, but these must fall in behind church activities and the family's spiritual growth. When these merely good things begin to encroach upon your spiritual development, take a long, hard look at the ECAs. Parents, it's time to step up and limit the ECAs for our children.

Copyright © 2004 by Edwin B. Young

About the Author

ED YOUNG is senior pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX, one of the fastest-growing churches of the past century. Ed's other books include High Definition Living and Know Fear. He and his wife have been married for over twenty years and have four children.