Before we go any further, I need to establish a working definition of parenting. I believe, for many reading this book, the definition of parenting I am going to introduce will be a little shocking. But I must clarify up front that this is not my definition; it is God's. We have already established that as husbands and wives, we must defer to God's chain of command in the home. So, if we're going to understand what it means to be a parent in God's family flow chart, we must also understand and download his definition of parenting.

Here is the definition of parenting: parenting is the process of teaching and training your children to leave. That's right. The goal of biblical parenting is to prepare children to leave the home. “Wow, Ed,” you might be thinking, “that's pretty harsh stuff. Do you not like your kids, or something?” Yes, I love my kids, but I also understand my role in their development is to prepare them for life-to get them ready to leave our home and start homes of their own. Believe it or not, I didn't just pull this stuff out of the sky. The Bible clearly states that this is what should happen: “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one” (Gen. 2:24).

This means children should individuate; they should become autonomous from their own parents. They should hook up with spouses, and marriage should then become the primary human relationship as all the other relationships become secondary. The long and short of parenting is that we are to teach and train our kids to leave the home, cleave (or join) with their spouses, and weave families of their own.

We will dig deeper into this definition later in the book, but let's look briefly at the two main elements of parenting. The teaching element is found in Deuteronomy 6:6-7: “And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again.” As parents, we are to make an intentional and strategic effort every day to teach our children God's principles, so they can go out into the world and establish their own households built on solid and eternal values.

The training part is represented in Proverbs 22:6: “Train a child in the way he should go, / and when he is old he will not turn from it” (NIV). Notice the word “go” in this passage. It does not say “stay,” does it? Too many families have children living at home who have overstayed their welcome. We have in this country an epidemic of twenty- and thirty-something adults who are in a state of prolonged adolescence and still living at home, because their parents have not embraced this parenting principle. These adult children like the comforts of the corner office and executive perks too much to give them up.

They are pulling in a nice salary and enjoy the benefits of free room and board. Mom does the cooking, the cleaning, and the laundry. That's a pretty sweet deal. But if we are doing our jobs as parents, this is the exact scenario we should be trying to avoid. If you follow God's flow chart, you should be training your children by way of example to leave and establish homes of their own.

As you look at the flow chart for your family, it should read: God, Husband-Wife, Children. If it doesn't read that way, what are the first steps you need to take to reorganize your family? The answer is not an easy one. In fact, some of the concepts to follow may even sound harsh at first. But I assure you these steps are in the best interest of your kids. I am outlining them in the first chapter by way of introduction, but you will find expanded elements of these throughout the book.

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Copyright © 2004 by Edwin B. Young

Tags: Parenting: Christian Perspectives

About the Author

ED YOUNG is senior pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX, one of the fastest-growing churches of the past century. Ed's other books include High Definition Living and Know Fear. He and his wife have been married for over twenty years and have four children. More