Who Reports to Whom?

Kid CEO: How to Keep Your Children from Running Your Life
by Ed Young

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With the marriage no longer the focal point of the home, the child becomes the center of their universe as the parents orbit their marriage, their interests, and their schedule around the life of their little one. Over time, they relinquish more and more control to the child. The child gets a taste of power and likes it. He begins to get comfortable in the family study, sitting in the high-back leather chair and propping his feet up on the mahogany desk. And make no mistake, this seemingly innocent child will do anything to protect his position of power.

In this backward model, the parents report to the child, and the marriage connection takes second place to what has become the family's primary focus: the kid. Extracurricular activities and professional responsibilities rob the marriage of quality time, regular intimacy, meaningful conversation, and emotional connection. With both spouses chasing the kids and one or both chasing a career, the calendar chaos sabotages the marriage. These distractions create a seemingly insurmountable distance that can't be bridged unless something drastic takes place to fix the family system.

Similarly, in a single-parent household, the demands of career and kids pull simultaneously to keep the parent from having meaningful adult relationships, from scheduling social activities, and from generally having any pursuits other than those the kids dictate. Given the limited resources, time, and energy of a single parent, the children's ability to gain power in the home intensifies. And unfortunately, this overwhelmed and overworked parent is often too tired to fight for the authority that is rightly his or hers to claim.

Basically, these scenarios typify what I will refer to throughout this book as the kid-CEO household. Sadly, this particular power structure has come to represent the norm in the American family today. Edward VIII, Duke of Windsor, once observed this about American families: “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children” (emphasis mine). Within that veiled humor is a startling truth. We are witnessing in many homes today the devastating effects of a family system gone terribly wrong. From moral confusion to failing marriages, from the decay of discipline to organization frustration, out-of-order homes are producing out-of-order children.

The kid-CEO household didn't just show up overnight. A decades-long history has led up to where we are today. After World War II and the onset of the baby-boom generation, many well-meaning parents turned their backs on conventional wisdom and started following permissive parenting per-suaders, Dr. Spock among them.

In order to be completely clear on this point, let me define what I mean by the word permissive. I defer to the definition offered by noted psychologist and author Dr. James Dobson: permissiveness is “the absence of effective parental authority, resulting in the lack of boundaries for the child. This word represents childish disrespect, defiance, and the general confusion that occurs in the absence of adult leadership.”

Permissive parenting sounded good at first. It was a fresh, new approach to parenting that promised a more liberated family environment. In essence, this parenting style encouraged parents to crawl into the crib with the child and reason with their rebellious toddler. Permissive parenting touted a democratic and egalitarian household, but in reality it was all about giving the child undivided attention and constant nurturing. Rather than bringing equality, it robbed the parents of authority and elevated the child above everyone and everything in the household.

Permissive parenting is not just a thing of the past. It is still alive and well today-perhaps even in your own household. And while it may not sound so bad on the surface, there is a major problem with it. The problem is that permissive parenting doesn't work. Children are not designed to lead the family. They are not hardwired to call the shots or to handle that level of responsibility, because they do not have the maturity or the skill set to do so. Yet parent after parent resigns his or her leadership position, hands in the keys to the family study, and turns over the decision-making power to the child: “Where do you want to eat?” “What do you want to do tonight?” “When do you want to go to bed?” “Where do you want to go on vacation?” “How may I serve you?” In short, they create a kid-CEO home. The kid-CEO household, however, is the opposite of God's dynamic design for the family.

Copyright © 2004 by Edwin B. Young

About the Author

ED YOUNG is senior pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX, one of the fastest-growing churches of the past century. Ed's other books include High Definition Living and Know Fear. He and his wife have been married for over twenty years and have four children.