The Kid-CEO Household

Kid CEO: How to Keep Your Children from Running Your Life
by Ed Young

MY WIFE, LISA, was approaching the security checkpoint at a tiny northwestern airport when her cell phone rang. It was a call from home. She was waiting to depart for Dallas after a weeklong trip she and I had taken together. Our oldest daughter, LeeBeth, was on the other end of the line, and not having seen us for several days, she was eager to share the latest events of her week.

As the conversation came to an end, she asked her mom's permission to attend an upcoming birthday dinner with a friend. They had discussed the details of her friend's birthday several weeks earlier, so this wasn't anything new. When she reminded my wife of the date, Lisa quickly realized why they had previously tabled this discussion. Our daughter had made a prior commitment we felt she should honor. Lisa gave LeeBeth the bad news that she couldn't go to the party that night. Her response was something less than agreeable.

She quickly began to counter with all the reasons why she just had to go to this dinner on this particular night. She explained to her mom this was the only night her friend could have the dinner, and it would ruin everything if she couldn't go. This was the same song, second verse, she had sung the last time they had this conversation. But after hearing her out for several minutes, Lisa stood her ground and told her that the prior commitment stood. LeeBeth was told that if it was that important for her to be at the dinner, she would have to see if her friend could rearrange her plans.

Once again, our daughter did not take her cue to accept defeat graciously and respond appropriately. Instead, her exact words in response to my wife's final decision on the matter were: “Mom, you've got to be kidding me!” Somewhat taken aback by her challenge, my wife responded, “LeeBeth, when it comes to parenting, I don't joke around!” That was the end of the conversation.

“When it comes to parenting, I don't joke around!” I wrote in the introduction that parenting has become a joke, but make no mistake: parenting is serious business. And we are going to get down to some serious business in the pages to come. A power struggle is brewing in the home that is no laughing matter-a family power struggle that we, as parents, need to identify and win.

A Nationwide Power Struggle

Just like the tension my wife experienced on that phone call from our teenage daughter, some major tension is being expressed in families everywhere as a result of an ongoing power struggle in the home. Lisa and I won the power struggle with our daughter, but many other parents are losing ground.

Homes that look great on the outside, with beautiful architecture, white picket fences, and immaculate lawns, on the inside are packed with confusion, conflict, and chaos. Parents, let's face it: there is a crisis buried deep within the family. Families are out of control. This crisis has been brewing right under our noses, and sadly, the majority of us have yet to smell the coffee.

What is happening in these homes is a crisis of leadership. The truth of the matter is that leaders aren't leading. Parents in many families today aren't stepping up and paving a path of purpose. In fact, what is happening is a role reversal. In other words, kids are running the asylum. They are leading, and the parents are following. As a result, the home has become a lopsided landslide of mayhem-it has become kid driven rather than parent driven.

The wild thing about this misguided ideology is that popular culture actually applauds and supports this lopsided household. Hollywood actors parade themselves on talk shows and talk about how their kids are little kings and queens in their homes. But don't be fooled, because this is not an applause-worthy state of affairs. In homes of the famous and not so famous alike, parents and their kids are engaged in a pivotal power struggle for control of the family.

This tug of war begins the moment the ob-gyn slaps a baby on the rear end and says, “It's a boy” or “It's a girl.” Immediately, an organizational shift occurs. With the entrance of a child into the family system, a dual resignation takes place. The wife resigns from her primary role, that of being the wife, and she becomes a mother. She immerses herself in the lives of her children, their every need, want, and desire. In essence, she marries them. If she is one of the three out of five mothers who also work outside the home, the additional demands of her career pull her even farther away from the marriage.

Likewise, the husband resigns from his primary role, that of being a husband, and becomes a father. With the additional responsibility of children, he also begins to step up his role, usually as a career chaser. Oftentimes, the desire to succeed and become the financial provider for the family becomes the driving force of his life. He buries himself in his work, putting the demands of the job before everything else. In essence, he marries his career.

Meanwhile, the marriage relationship gets pushed farther down the line of priorities. Marital drift takes place, and eventually a giant chasm forms between the husband and the wife, leaving the marriage open and vulnerable. Given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances-an attractive coworker, the NASCAR pace of family life-and ...you get the picture!

Copyright © 2004 by Edwin B. Young

About the Author

ED YOUNG is senior pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX, one of the fastest-growing churches of the past century. Ed's other books include High Definition Living and Know Fear. He and his wife have been married for over twenty years and have four children.