Helping Your Child Relate Well To Others

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends
by Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D., Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.

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Children need friends. Friends are a source of fun and companionship. Building a fort in the backyard is more fun if you have a buddy to help. Friends also help children develop a sense of who they are: “Jason and I both love soccer”; “Karen's favorite color is purple, but I like yellow.” Children's friendships are a critical training ground for learning how to get along with other people. When two small girls negotiate who gets to wear the sequined dress and who gets to wear the feather boa, they are learning skills that they will use in all future relationships. Through their friendships, children learn about leading and following, arguing and making up, sharing and feeling empathy.

Having friends helps children feel happy, confident, and connected, but children aren't born knowing how to build friendships. They learn it. When your child was two years old, she probably played alongside another child without interacting. At three, she probably began cooperative play, working with another child toward a shared goal. At four, maybe she could share or take turns without shrieking.

Now, in elementary school, friendships are more complicated, and the rules governing how to fit in can be subtle. Very young children tend to identify their friends as whomever they happen to be with at the moment, but elementary school children can identify best friends and begin to form bonds. For preschoolers, the key challenges of social relationships usually involve remembering not to hit or snatch toys. Your elementary school child needs much more complex social knowledge and abilities, such as how to blend in to a group, how to behave differently in a beginning versus an established friendship, and how to resolve conflicts.

Each chapter in this book describes specific strategies that address particular social difficulties common among elementary school children (approximately ages six through twelve). We offer many exercises for learning the Unwritten Rules so that you can choose the ones that seem best suited to your child's needs, interests, and maturity level. You should also keep the following general guidelines in mind while teaching your child to relate well to others.

1. Talk with your child's teacher.

If your child is having social problems, it is essential that you talk with his or her teacher to get an objective opinion on the matter. Your child might complain, “Everybody hates me!” but the teacher might paint a very different picture. Maybe there is just one particular classmate who squabbles with your child. Maybe your child is generally well-liked but hangs back in group situations. The teacher sees your child “in action” every day and could give you important information about your child's behavior around other kids. What you see at home may not be typical of how your child acts at school. Your son might be a little chatterbox with the family but completely silent with classmates. Or maybe your daughter is doing something that classmates find off-putting. You need to know the whole picture if you're going to help your child learn to get along better.

The teacher can also be a wonderful ally in helping your child learn the relevant Unwritten Rules. At the end of each chapter, we feature a section called “The Home-School Connection,” which offers doable suggestions that you might want to discuss with your child's teacher.

2. Provide opportunities for socializing.

In previous generations, children learned social skills by hanging out with the kids in the neighborhood and by interacting with large and extended families. Today, many parents are too concerned about safety to allow their children to roam the neighborhood unsupervised. Most children have many structured activities and lessons, leaving them less time to simply play with others. Families are generally smaller and more transient, so children have fewer siblings and relatives with whom to practice their social skills. All of this means that it is harder for today's children to learn through hands-on experience how to get along with other children.

You need to give your child the opportunity to practice relating to peers. Usually this means scheduling one-on-one play dates. In our experience, short play dates that focus on a planned activity, such as going bowling or going out for ice cream, work best for children who are struggling socially.

You may also need to help your child find potential friends outside of school. If your child is having trouble with classmates, he or she might fit in better with kids from your church or synagogue, or with the members of a club that focuses on special interests, such as chess or horseback riding. Some children feel more confident interacting with kids a little bit younger than they are. If your child has cousins around his or her age, they could be a great source of support. Because they are family members, cousins may be a little more tolerant of your child than the kids at school are, and they can give your child a sustaining sense of belonging. Being included in the activities of a more socially savvy cousin could also help your child smooth some rough edges.

3. Proceed slowly and consistently.

Once you see how learning the Unwritten Rules could help your child, you may be tempted to sit your child down and go through a chapter or two with him or her in one sitting. Don't. You're better off taking a more gradual approach. Children have short attention spans (some more than others). If you try to teach too much too fast, your child is likely to become bored, anxious, or overwhelmed. Give your child a chance to get comfortable with one idea or strategy before you move on to another. Try taking a low-key, fun approach when you do the exercises with your child. Learning to make and keep friends is important, but you don't want it to dominate your interactions with your child. Your child needs your social coaching, but your child also needs to feel your love and acceptance, and to spend time with you just playing or hanging out.

Keep in mind that there are no quick fixes for helping your child relate better to others. Don't try just one activity and conclude, “This book doesn't work.” For many children, learning the Unwritten Rules is like learning a foreign language. It takes time and experience to master the material. Your child will need ongoing exposure to the rules, practice using them, and reminders before entering specific difficult situations. You may also need to revisit the Unwritten Rules as your child gets older and social situations become even more complex. Learning to get along with others is a lifelong process. With every new relationship and every new stage of life, we all need to learn and change.

4. Share your confidence.

Children often have trouble with perspective. If someone doesn't invite them to a birthday party, they react like it's the worst thing in the world. If kids are mean to them, they assume that this will always be the case. As adults, we know that circumstances change, that people grow, and that there's a big wide world outside of this year's elementary school class. So, when your child comes home crying because “everyone” was mean to him or her, listen, empathize, try to understand your child's point of view, but also express your confidence that, with help, your child will be able to find a way to deal with the situation.

As you work on the exercises in this book, keep the focus on success rather than failure. Applaud when your child is able to implement the techniques in the book. Comment on how he or she is becoming more comfortable socially. Warn your child that it may take a while for other kids to notice the changes he or she is making, but assure your child that these efforts will pay off. Avoid what Dr. Michael Thompson and his colleagues, authors of Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children, call “interviewing for pain.” If you greet your child every day after school by asking, “Was anyone mean to you today?” your child is going to come up with something to report.

It's hard to respond calmly when your child is hurting. Seeing your child suffer can make you want to leap into action to protect him or her. Sometimes parents of children who are the brunt of ridicule or rejection wonder if they should call the parents of the other child. In general, we don't recommend this. If your child is truly in danger, of course you need to take steps to ensure his or her safety, but this is usually best accomplished by talking to school authorities. Contacting the other child's parents carries the risk of spreading the conflict to the parents. It also says to your child, “You can't handle this. I need to solve it for you.” You should only give this message if it really is a situation that your child can't manage alone. Otherwise, focus on giving your child the knowledge, skills, and support he or she needs to solve the problem.

5. Emphasize kindness.

At their core, the Unwritten Rules are about kindness and civility. They emphasize talking and listening to one another, respecting and caring about one another, and reaching out to help one another. True friendship grows from a sense of connection. The best thing you can do to help your child learn to get along with others is to place a high value on kindness. Don't tolerate cruelty between siblings. Point out the impact of your child's words and actions on others. Insist that family members speak to one another in a respectful tone of voice. Let your child experience the joy of giving. Avoid putting other people down. Talk about how you can understand someone else's point of view even when you don't agree with it. Express appreciation when your child does something thoughtful or helpful. These actions demonstrate the fundamentals of social relationships described in the Unwritten Rules.

Copyright © 2003 by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore

About the Author

Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D., has more than twenty years of experience as director of the Summit Center for Learning in New Jersey. She is a certified learning consultant and speech pathologist who leads social skills training groups for children. She also consults for many private and public schools and has been a consultant to the New Jersey Department of Education.

Eileen Kennedy-Moore has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She works with children, adults, and families in Westfield, New Jersey.