Why Children Need To Know the Unwritten Rules

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends
by Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D., Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 3)

The key factor that determines how smoothly children (and adults) get along with others is whether or not they understand and can follow the Unwritten Rules that guide social relationships. Some children pick up these rules automatically; others are oblivious to them. Like rudderless ships, they easily veer off course in social situations. They come on too strong, or they are too passive, or they stick out in a way that makes others reject them. They are targets for bullies. They feel awkward in groups because they don't recognize the social cues influencing everyone else's behavior. They wish desperately for friends but don't understand the nuances of cultivating relationships. They may feel lonely and isolated, as if they were strangers in a foreign country where they don't speak the language.

Sometimes children have social problems when they move to a new town or a new school. They may have been getting along fine in their old environment, but suddenly the rules change, and they are at a loss. For instance, if your child recently moved from the city to the suburbs, the rules about how to dress, how to spend time together, and even how to talk may be very different in his or her new community. Also, the kids who knew your child since nursery school may have accepted his or her idiosyncrasies, but new classmates may be less tolerant.

The Unwritten Rules for children are not identical to those for adults. For instance, a firm handshake is essential for adults but irrelevant for children. Asking the age of a new acquaintance is rude for adults but is a friendly overture for children. Making disgusting burping noises is an admirable skill only among boys of a certain age.

The Unwritten Rules that we present in this book are drawn, as much as possible, from research studies of children interacting in ordinary settings, such as camp or the local playground. These observational studies help us understand how socially adept children actually relate to other children so we don't have to rely on our adult ideas of how children should behave.

Unless they know the Unwritten Rules of social situations, children cannot possibly use social skills appropriately. Teaching children about social skills without placing these skills in the context of Unwritten Rules is like teaching children to sail on dry land. They may learn the mechanics perfectly, but they don't really understand when and how to use them. What difference does it make if a child has learned to make “I” statements (e.g., “I feel … when you …”) if she doesn't understand the rules about which topics are acceptable to discuss in which situations? What good is it if a child can list all the steps in problem solving but doesn't know that new relationships cannot tolerate conflict? Social skills training tells children how to act. The Unwritten Rules go beyond this basic training by helping children understand social roles and expectations so that they can choose behaviors that fit the situation.

By explicitly teaching the Unwritten Rules of how to get along with others, you can provide your child with essential guidelines for navigating the social maze. You can unveil for your child the unspoken social conventions that everybody else seems to know. You can give your child the knowledge necessary for making and keeping friends.

A Whole-Child Perspective

Our goal in this book is to help each child gain a sense of social comfort and connection in a way that complements his or her own unique personality. We've drawn upon research, as well as clinical experience, to come up with vivid and compassionate descriptions of nine prototypical children with friendship problems. These nine children are normal kids who struggle to be accepted by their peers. We highlight the particular Unwritten Rules that each type of child needs to learn, and we offer easy-to-use, targeted suggestions for teaching these rules and enhancing social interactions both at home and at school.

We use a whole-child perspective, which recognizes that children with specific social problems also have corresponding strengths that can be cultivated. The Shy Child can become a good listener and a loyal friend. The Vulnerable Child might acquire a highly developed sense of justice and a special empathy for the downtrodden.

Our whole-child perspective works with rather than against children's enduring tendencies. Not every child can or wants to become an effervescent Mr. or Ms. Popularity who is the life of every party. And this is fine. A quieter style of relating can also lead to friendship. The Born Leader may always be more comfortable leading than following a group, but she can learn how to temper her take-charge tendencies so that other people respond to her ideas with enthusiasm rather than resistance or resentment. The Different Drummer may always have an offbeat, quirky sense of humor, but learning the Unwritten Rules can help her decide when and how to use that humor.

The brief descriptions of children in the table of contents and the questions at the beginning of each chapter can help you identify which sections of this book are most relevant for helping your child learn to relate well to others. You will probably recognize your child in several different chapters. At the end of each chapter, we list related chapters that you may want to read. Keep in mind that the nine children in this book are composites of the many children we've known. We offer these descriptions to help you understand rather than just label your child. Whether your child is having trouble resolving an argument with a friend or even making a friend in the first place, whether your child is painfully shy or a bit rambunctious, this book gives you the tools you need to nurture your child's social well-being.

Copyright © 2003 by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore

About the Author

Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D., has more than twenty years of experience as director of the Summit Center for Learning in New Jersey. She is a certified learning consultant and speech pathologist who leads social skills training groups for children. She also consults for many private and public schools and has been a consultant to the New Jersey Department of Education.

Eileen Kennedy-Moore has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. She works with children, adults, and families in Westfield, New Jersey.