Crisis of Competence

Talking to Your Kids in Tough Times: How to Answer Your Child's Questions About the World We Live In
by Willow Bay

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The time we spend on our careers enriches us intellectually, socially, emotionally, and financially. But we do spend less time with our children, and as a result we are less familiar with the world of our children. And often, we are less comfortable in that world. It has been a gradual change that Evans says teachers began noticing years ago. “I worked with a lot of preschool teachers, and when they have parents come in for a day to play with the kids, there are a lot more parents who have a hard time just playing with the kids. They can teach them something, they can coach them, but they can't just sit at the dollhouse and play with them comfortably. So while the career sophistication we have gained is really remarkable, it has come with a certain price in terms of child rearing savvy.” What happens in times of crisis, and in times that are troubling, is that parents are far less sure of themselves, less confident in their abilities as parents. And as Evans points out, in many cases we have much less experience on the playground or the playroom floor. Evans's diagnosis?

“There's no question in my mind that there's an epidemic among parents-a crisis of confidence and competence.” In addition to the fact that the world we are raising our children in is very different from the one in which we grew up, there are some universal truths about parents that make parenting today more difficult. For the most part, as parents we want to control the world our children live in. We want to protect our children from harm and we also want to protect them from feelings that are uncomfortable, frightening, or difficult. When we're faced with questions that tug at our hearts or give us knots in our stomachs, we want to make those feelings disappear. This has always been true of parents.

In the face of all this-the uncertainty of a rapidly changing environment, new threats for which we have no precedent, the absence of familiar anchors of generations past, less familiarity with the world of children-is it any wonder that we sometimes panic when our child asks a question about one of these “new” threats? Wendy Mogel, a clinical psychologist and author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, offers another sign of a lack of confidence: “We want experts for everything. We want experts for psychotherapy to fix our children. We want the very best art teacher and the best math curriculum and the best reading program in school. And then we want the best answers to children's questions about war and drugs.” Of course we do. We want the answers and we'd like them quickly. Expediency and efficiency are signs of the times, right?

Parents are eager for help, even for someone else to tell them what to do to be a good parent. And that's exploited in many ways in our culture. “Just look at how toys are marketed,” says Levin. “You can buy this crib toy for your six-month-old. The baby can push a button and the toy recites the letters of the alphabet. You'll give him a head start, and help your child learn to read. And what parent wouldn't think, 'I want to give my kid a head start?' But the reality is that toy could actually undermine your child's learning to read. At this age babies benefit from interacting with the real physical world. It's a foundation for all future learning.” Pushing those buttons is a meaningless activity at this age. We want to raise our children to be problem solvers rather than button pushers.

Parents have an understandable, even commendable desire to “get it right.” And when a child comes to us with a question that makes her frightened, worried, and anxious we are even more determined to make sure we get the right answer. “Parents are so afraid they're going to make a mistake if they talk to children about important issues,” explains Mogel. “But the fact is that kids' knowing that you're there to talk to them is probably more important than anything else.”

As a parent you will be faced with a lifetime of questions- and some of them will be troubling. You'll come up with answers- lots of right ones and probably a few wrong ones. But it's establishing the process that's important, and that's what this books aims to accomplish for you. Every expert I've spoken with has said you can always go back and try it again, and say to your child, “You know, I've thought about it a bit more …” Parents don't always have to have the right answer right off the bat.

Children are extremely resilient. They need to know we are there to listen. They need to know they have a comfortable and safe place to go with their feelings and questions. They need to know we are available to go there with them. Children have always needed these things. But in today's world where adult concerns invade the lives of children, they need it even more. Parents today need to work a little harder to help our children navigate the world they live in and to create a safe, comfortable place in which they can ask us all sorts of questions. Kids do not need perfect answers, but they do need a parent giving them some answers.

So while I'll offer plenty of advice to help you understand your child's fears and your own, I'll also offer plenty of techniques you can use to encourage conversation. I hope you'll take a deep breath, relax, and learn to enjoy this very meaningful and very rewarding part of parenting. It is hard, but the important things in life usually are.

Our children will in all likelihood be facing a whole new set of issues as parents. They'll be asking us how we survived what we did in much the same way we asked those questions of our parents. Think of how often we've joked about the childhood dangers we lived through. How did we turn out okay when our mothers smoked and drank during their pregnancy? As we consider the merits of car seats with the new “latch system” or the ever so crucial five-point harness, we should remember that when we were little, we didn't wear seat belts, we sat in the front seat or we climbed all over the back, often with a bunch of other kids and the family dog. And look, we made it! We survived. Despite the challenges we face it appears we are thriving. And the reality is, despite the larger threats against us, so will our children.

Copyright © 2003 by Willow Bay

About the Author

WILLOW BAY has reported for CNN as the anchor of Moneyline News Hour, co-anchored ABC's Good Morning America/Sunday, and worked as a correspondent for ABC news and NBC's NBA Inside Stuff. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two sons.