Dreams of Lost Love

The Mother-to-Be's Dream Book : Understanding the Dreams of Pregnancy
by Raïna M. Paris

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Dreams of “lost love” or former lovers are another important aspect of dreams of the past. In order for a woman to make room for the new life she is carrying, she has to have some closure with unfinished or old relationships. There are two categories in this realm. The first one has to do with mourning the loss of what could have been, the “what ifs” of life. What if I had married Jeff instead of Mark? What if I had accepted his invitation to his country home, etc.? The unconscious mind revisits these fantasies in dream time to finish stories that were left incomplete in the heart and mind of a pregnant woman. It is a cleansing cycle necessary in order to make room for the newly conceived child. It is an area of background baggage, a sort of lost and found of the psyche, wherein old material is processed so that new depths of love may be reached. A woman's pregnancy is the catalyst for such a clearance.

The second category of dreams involves past relationships and significant former lovers. These dreams can be a little more ruthless. Several women we interviewed had dreams in which their old lovers were killed off. In these cases, the women's psyches were making a harsh break between the past and the future. On an unconscious level they were exterminating old forms of love so that they could have more psychic space in which to care for their child. Both Karine and Tracy- two women we interviewed-had a series of dreams in which their ex-lovers became injured or died. In their waking lives, they had not even been thinking of these men, but in their subconscious memory banks, the cleansing process was well under way.

Tracy's dreams of the past were particularly interesting in that they included all of her ex-lovers, her stepfather, and even her husband. They all got killed off in her first trimester. Clearly, Mother Nature, the feminine principle of life, was taking over and making a clean sweep of all male energies. These inner characters had become superfluous; they were not necessary for the successful creation of a baby. The amount of rage present in Tracy's dreams was another manifestation of the power of Nature. In her sleep she was consumed with anger toward her husband, and she also believed her husband to be charged with a similar rage toward her. These feelings were so vivid in her dreams that she often woke up and had to ask her husband if he was angry at her. Of course, he said no. Still, she was astounded by the intensity of the feelings expressed in her dreams during that time. Fortunately this pattern of rage subsided by the end of the first trimester, and her dreams became more even keeled.

(One noteworthy exception in the murderous trend of Tracy's early pregnancy dreams was the harmonious connection with her ex-lover Derek. In real life he was the only one who had made the difficult transition from lover to friend. And in her dreamscape, he remained that faithful friend, someone she could count on and trust. Derek represented the type of safe male energy she wanted to keep around while her body was getting used to its new duties.)

Lynda was another interesting case. She is the mother of three boys all under the age of four. During all her pregnancies, she had recurring dreams of an ex-boyfriend she had loved for many years. “He was bad for me,” Lynda said. “But I loved him so much I thought I would die when it was over.” Consciously, Lynda thought her ties with this man had been broken a long time ago, but her unconscious believed otherwise. There was a lot more letting go to be done. It took all three pregnancies for him to be cleared from her psyche.

Lynda's dreams showed her repeatedly that he was not interested in her anymore. He ignored her or treated her like a stranger in all the dreams she had of him. Her psyche was making it clear to her that the relationship was over. She could not believe that she was still dreaming of him while carrying her third child. So many years had passed. But she was relieved to find out that during her final pregnancy the dreams were not so intense or long. “I only had a few dreams,” said Lynda. “And they weren't as vivid or disturbing as the first two pregnancies. It was as if he was fading away.”

Another variation we found in the dreams relating to ex-lovers was in Jenny's dream of a fire station. When she walked into it, there was a party going on. A fireman she had dated in real life was there, and he asked her permission to walk her outside to her car so that she could go home. It was a very dark night and quite scary. In this case, the past, in the guise of the fireman, was symbolically escorting her to her new life. She was getting a nice send-off party. It was a celebration. But the journey she was embarking on was still scary and no one from her past could come with her. The fireman didn't get killed off, but she had to say good-bye to him and get into her car alone and do her own driving. This is Nature's way of saying, “Certain aspects of your old life are over. It's time for you to become a mother.”

When many women become pregnant for the first time, there is a feeling of “no turning back,” “this is for real.” Terminating old relationships through dreams of the past is the psyche's way of dealing with the new evolution of a woman's life. It is the way the soul prepares for tomorrow.

Dreams of the past are a powerful expression of a woman's inner desire to become as whole and free as she can to bear a healthy child. They are, if you will, the psychological equivalent of a woman's concern for her own physical well-being. For example, a woman quitting smoking and/or drinking and eating more healthfully when she becomes pregnant carries the same force as a dream of the past. Although the former are voluntary actions and the latter is subconscious, all are similar attempts made by the soul to prepare a woman for motherhood.

If a woman follows through with the guidance she receives from a dream of the past, she will greatly affect the relationship between herself and her child. A new bond will be created, one in which the patterns of the past no longer have an adverse effect on the present.

We have all heard of the sensitivity of unborn babies to loud noises, arguments, music, etc. This sensitivity also exists at a level of consciousness. When a dream of the past occurs and a woman responds to it consciously, the baby can feel the shift in the mother's awareness. It is as if the psychic link between the mother and child is suddenly more clear. This happens because the mother is responding to the flow of Nature; she is yielding to the natural cycle of healing in which the past is drawn into the present for clarification and analysis. When a mother ignores this process, her relationship with her child becomes burdened by projections. The past clouds the present and prevents the two souls from meeting each other with unhindered closeness.

What is natural is for the mother's childhood issues to surface, as well as any and all important relationships that she has experienced in her life. This is Nature's way of preparing the woman for motherhood. The more lingering feelings from her past a woman can resolve through her dreams, the more room she will have for the child, not only in her body but in her heart and mind as well. It is a simple equation. There must be some measure of peace about the past in order to freely embrace the future.

Copyright © 2000 by Raïna Paris

About the Author

Raïna M. Paris is a published poet, spiritual counselor and licensed practitioner with Agape Church. She lives in Los Angeles, CA.