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Every generation seems to have its own theory about parenting. Conventional wisdom has run the gamut from “Children should be seen but not heard” and “Spare the rod and spoil the child” to employing the more contemporary and more reasonable techniques of “time out” and “grounding.” But the problem with simply adopting any popular or culturally endorsed method of parenting is that it ignores the most important variable in the equation: the uniqueness of your child. So, rather than insist that one style of parenting will work with every child, we might take a page from the gardener's handbook.

Just as the gardener accepts, without question or resistance, the plant's requirements and provides the right conditions each plant needs to grow and flourish, so, too, do we parents need to custom-design our parenting to fit the natural needs of each individual child. Although that may seem daunting, it is possible. Once we understand who OUI children really are, we can begin to figure out how to make changes in our parenting style to be more positive and accepting of each child we've been blessed to parent. We've seen this happen repeatedly. In the parenting workshops we've conducted, we've helped parents arrive at a new and more accepting view of their child. We've been gratified to watch as they develop new understanding, compassion, and optimism about their work as parents. The miraculous result is that they fall in love with their child all over again. Parents leave the workshops reenergized, better prepared, and eager to make the experience of parenting more rewarding for themselves and their children. It's possible for every parent to gain those same powerful insights and that same optimism.

Consider Jason, age nine, and Rachel, age seven, the children of two parents in one of our workshops. A trip to Toys R Us to spend their Christmas money presents a striking contrast. Rachel loves the experience, easily and quickly selects three toys she can afford, and delights in the power she feels making decisions. For her brother, Jason, the experience is completely different. He agonizes over the countless choices in front of him and wanders distractedly down aisle after aisle. He can't seem to isolate any options from the thousands of possibilities and continually asks his parents: “If I get this, can I still get that?” and worries over every conceivable combination of purchases. After nearly an hour, his family is growing impatient.

Now Jason feels additional pressure to hurry and make up his mind. Eventually, with the threat of simply leaving without buying anything, Jason chooses a superhero action figure set. When they finally leave the store, Rachel skips contentedly to the car, while Jason is worn out from the conflict he felt trying to make a decision and is not altogether happy with his purchase. The family is exhausted and irritated, and Jason feels incompetent, stupid, and plagued with fear that he made a bad choice. And this was supposed to be a fun outing!

During the workshop we discussed ways to make shopping a more pleasant experience for Jason. Given their new perspective on Jason's style, his parents realized how much better he might have felt about himself if they had instead suggested he look through one of the many toy catalogs at home or shop at a specialty hobby or science shop. Because Jason generally finds decision making difficult, Toys R Us simply presented too many options. Had his parents known how to tailor the shopping expedition to meet his needs as an individual, rather than expecting him to adapt to the most common way of buying toys, Jason's self-esteem wouldn't have taken such an unnecessary beating.

© 1997 by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger

Tags: Parenting and Families

About the Author

Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger have been married for many years, and are internationally recognized experts in the application of Personality Type. Their other books include the bestselling Do What You Are, Nurture by Nature, and, most recently, The Art of SpeedReading People. They live in West Hartford, Connecticut.

About the Author

Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger have been married for many years, and are internationally recognized experts in the application of Personality Type. Their other books include the bestselling Do What You Are, Nurture by Nature, and, most recently, The Art of SpeedReading People. They live in West Hartford, Connecticut.