NURTURE By NATURE: A Matter of Style

Nurture by Nature : Understand Your Child's Personality Type - And Become a Better Parent
by Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron-Tieger

Lisa and Barry had always imagined their children would be small versions of themselves-talkative, friendly, and active. Practical and down-to-earth people, Lisa and Barry essentially took each day as it came. They were busy, responsible, and hardworking and had a variety of friends and interests, which they eagerly anticipated sharing with their children. But to their amazement, Claire, their first child, was quiet, pensive, and reserved. As she got older, she became clever and observant, capable of detecting the tiniest flaw in her parents and sending them reeling with questions about everything. Lisa and Barry felt they were out of their league with this child-she seemed so oddly independent. Then came baby Robbie. And the world shifted on its axis again. Whereas Claire was serious and self-contained, Robbie was an impulsive clown. Robbie cried for attention, while Claire played independently for hours. Claire questioned every rule and every limit, while Robbie was responsive and eager to please. Claire somehow seemed older than her years, an “old soul,” some said to her parents. Robbie was boisterous, the life of the party, excitable, talkative, and funny. Lisa and Barry were mystified. Their kids were quite different from them and so nearly opposite from one another that Lisa and Barry were often at a loss as to how to parent them. Guidance that worked with one child only seemed to make matters worse in the same situation with the other child.

Lisa and Barry are hardly alone. As parents, most of us have expectations about the children we will have. And then they arrive-like little mystery packages. We have no idea who they are and how best to love them. We are eager to do the right thing- even when we haven't a clue what that right thing is. There is probably no job more difficult, more rewarding, or more all-consuming than parenting. Children don't come with an instruction manual, nor as parents do we receive report cards along the way. Most of us don't even set out with a plan for how we will parent. We might have a vague sense of one approach being better or more effective than another, but ultimately, we all have to wait and see how our children turn out. And much of what we do is done because that was how we ourselves were parented- whether our parents' way was particularly effective or not. We parent our children often by unconscious rote-a sort of one-size fits-all strategy, without regard to the style of the child herself. And we do this, of course, with the best, most genuine, and loving of intentions.

As with Lisa and Barry, simply being born to us doesn't mean our children will be anything like us. Parents of adopted children know this, but those of us who have our own biological children seem to assume our children will be carbon copies of us. Then we're surprised to find ourselves baffled by them. More than a few parents have said to us, “I just don't know which planet this child came from!” Or “She and her sister are like night and day.” Or “If I hadn't actually watched this child be delivered, I wouldn't believe we're related!” It's all very normal and understandable to feel confused, concerned, worried, and even scared when we don't understand our children. As parents, it's our job to know what's best for them. But if we don't really know what makes them tick, how will we be able to protect them, to guide them, to support them?

If only we could get into our child's mind, understand his impulses, drives, and desires; the way he processes information; and why he expresses himself as he does. What powerful insights those would be! Clearly, one of the hardest tasks of parenting is staying objective about our own children. It's so easy to get over involved in their successes, failures, struggles, and accomplishments. We come to see them as extensions of ourselves and their experiences as inextricably linked up with our own. We no longer see them as individuals, but rather as various expressions of us. That jumbled thinking makes it virtually impossible to clearly accept the ways in which our children may actually be distinctly different from one another and from us, and then to accommodate their unique needs. What one child needs, another may not. What motivated and excited us as kids may be boring or downright stressful for our child.

But what if we did know, from early in our child's life, who she really was? What if we could figure out-by watching her interactions, her play, or word choices, her decision-making style-what kind of person she is and then know which motivation techniques, which limit-setting approaches, which supportive efforts, would really work for her? What parents wouldn't want a true picture of the inner workings of their child's mind and heart? Who wouldn't want that gift of insight about who our children really are?

Imagine a child growing up amid constant reassurance about the way she sees the world, interacts with others, likes to play, makes decisions, uses her time, organizes her room and toys, expresses her feelings- that all are perfectly fine, normal, and acceptable. Imagine a child encouraged to believe in himself, to express his true self, and to trust his perceptions and reactions. Imagine a child made to feel lovable, capable, and worthy just exactly the way she is. Such a child would grow up confident, secure, honest, independent, and loving, because she would have been raised by parents who respected, accepted, accommodated, and celebrated her unique individuality. Deep down, all of us just want to be understood and accepted for who we are. This understanding is the greatest gift we can give our children. It's the real essence of self-esteem.

© 1997 by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger

About the Author

Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger have been married for many years, and are internationally recognized experts in the application of Personality Type. Their other books include the bestselling Do What You Are, Nurture by Nature, and, most recently, The Art of SpeedReading People. They live in West Hartford, Connecticut.

Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger have been married for many years, and are internationally recognized experts in the application of Personality Type. Their other books include the bestselling Do What You Are, Nurture by Nature, and, most recently, The Art of SpeedReading People. They live in West Hartford, Connecticut.