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Every parent wants to raise a successful child. Yet many of us mean different things by “success.” When our two elder sons, Dr. Jim and Dr. Bob, joined the Sears Family Pediatric Practice, I gave them a little doctorly and fatherly advice: “Your success in life, Jim and Bob, will not be measured by the money you make or the degrees you earn, but rather by the number of persons whose lives are better because of what you did.”

The dictionary defines success as “attaining wealth, fame, or prosperity.” Our definition goes beyond this conventional idea of success. Here's our wish list for successful children:

Does success mean rich and famous?

Rich and famous people make headlines, so it's easy for children to conclude that turning out well means being well-off. There are many success stories of people who gain wealth by using their talents and working hard, then live happily while giving to others to make this world a better place to live in. It is also true that among the rich and famous are some of the unhappiest people in the world. Tabloids are full of the “unsuccess” stories of celebrities: failed relationships, drug and alcohol addiction, suicide. Many financially rich persons are emotionally poor. As a psychologist friend once told us, “If you want to know how much wealth you have, count your friends.”

We have worked hard to keep our children from feeling that their value depends on how they perform. A child who makes A's is not “better” than a child who makes C's, provided they both are working to their full potential. While the A student is more likely to be voted “Most Likely to Succeed” at her high-school graduation, the C student might be more emotionally healthy. He may have talents in areas other than academics - sports, the arts, or the ability to get along with people. What we're trying to say is that you can't measure success in child rearing by children's accomplishments. In this case, “successful” refers to your personal qualities, not what you accomplish.

So, what does it mean to turn out well? We believe it's the depth of relationships we sustain, not the accomplishments we tick off, that makes our lives successful and happy: the relationships children have with themselves, as well as the other lives they touch. The goal of this book is to help you help your child become relationship rich.

Adding value to your child.

Children need to perceive themselves as valuable, based on what is within them; they also need external experiences that help them feel valuable. Our aim is to help parents raise children who not only regard themselves as valuable people but also, with their kindness, compassion, and ability to connect, grow up to add value to the lives of others.

One day an insensitive person was badgering Martha about having eight kids and contributing to the “world's overpopulation.” Martha returned with: “The world needs my kids.”

Lessons from “good” kids.

If you've spent any time at all reading books about raising children, you know that saying “bad boy” or “bad girl” is a no-no. Psychologists instruct parents to focus on good or bad behavior, not extend those value judgments to their child's personal self. But the fact is, there are good kids and kids who are not so good. Sometimes the “good” kids from “good” homes surprise us by making headlines for doing awful things. When we hear horrible stories of children and teenagers wielding guns, knives, and bombs against their teachers, classmates, and families, we search for explanations. Is it the video games these kids played? The movies they watched, the web sites they visited? Is it the all-black clothing they adopt, or some kind of exaggerated adolescent alienation? Psychiatrists, politicians, and religious leaders bemoan the state of our youth and the violence in our world. And everyone looks for ways to blame the kids' parents. But unless there's obvious abuse in the home, often no one ever seems to know how or why some children go wrong.

Good kids don't make bad headlines. In fact, good kids seldom make headlines at all. We are fortunate to work in professions that show us the inherent goodness of children every day. They are empathetic, kind, and friendly. They know who they are as people. They respect themselves and others, are responsible, and are fun to be around. They're not perfect. Some of their fine qualities are still in development, and sometimes anger or fear gets the best of them. Some may grow up to be rich and powerful, but, more important, they will be happy and content, have stable relationships, and make good parents for the next generation.

The parents of our world's “good kids” have much to share with us. These are parents who are willing to take responsibility for their children, parents who make an effort to learn about why children behave the way they do. They encourage the good behavior while trying to change the bad. They learn from their own experience and that of other parents. As a result, parents of kids who turn out well have wonderful insights to share with less experienced parents. Throughout this book, we share with you what they have told us.

Copyright © 2002 by William Sears and Martha Sears

Tags: Parenting and Families

About the Author

Martha Sears is a registered nurse, childbirth educator, and breastfeeding consultant.

About the Author

William Sears, M.D., received his pediatric training at Harvard Medical School's Children's Hospital and Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children. He has practiced as a pediatrician for more than thirty years.

About the Author

Elizabeth Pantley lives in Kirkland, Washington.