Going on Automatic

When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It
by Bonnie Harris

(Page 3 of 3)

When we snap at behaviors we don't like, say and do things we regret- get our buttons pushed-we go on automatic. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to automatics as “emotional hijacking.” He describes one's normally rational mind being “swamped” by emotions.

In a raging argument over curfews, Howard and fifteen-year-old Adam shouted words at each other that shocked them both. The pinnacle was Howard's unintended banishment of his son when he proclaimed, “This is my house. You will obey my rules or you know where the door is!” Throwing his baseball glove on the table, the angry teen said, with a foreboding calm, “Fine,” then slammed the door as he left. Howard intended to get his son to mind his curfew. He never intended to say what he did. His automatic spun the argument out of control. The result was the last thing in the world Howard wanted. And he didn't even know how it had happened.

Our automatics happen spontaneously and derail our best intentions. They are rarely effective, and never do they take into consideration the needs of our individual child. They are the angry reactions we have when we wish we could calm down but can't even remember what that feels like. They are the route for passing on harmful patterns to the next generation.

Automatics Are Familiar

Automatics pop up uncontrollably from our subconscious mind where we have sequestered old habits, beliefs, and emotions that we don't like. Many of these habits and emotions construct our relationships and determine how strongly we protect and defend ourselves.

But many others lie dormant in our subconscious, the attic of our mind, until we have children. When they push our buttons, our children unabashedly bang on that attic door for the first time. When the door is opened, we feel pain. We react by either denying it with defensive behavior or blaming our children for causing the pain. The actual problem that provoked the automatic is lost.

Automatics can take many different forms. But they are all in reaction to behavior that taps an old wound. They are often verbalized with eerily familiar tones and phrases. A few examples:

Angry retribution: “You're grounded for the next two weeks!” Threat: “You say that once more, and you'll wish you hadn't.”

Criticism: “Why can't you ever just do what I tell you?” Fear tactic: “Your teeth are going to rot, and then you'll be sorry.” Sarcasm: “Fine, you want to ruin your life? Far be it from me to stop you.”

Guilt trip: “After all I've done for you, this is the thanks I get?”

Automatics Are Our Responsibility

Automatics are our attempt to control our child's behavior in order for us to feel better and for them to react differently. In doing that, we place responsibility on our child for turning the situation around.

This does not mean the child's behavior should be accepted. It does mean that in order to stop the reactive cycle from spinning, the parent must be the first to stop reacting. It never works to expect our child to act like the grown-up first.

If we are reacting automatically and irrationally, we cannot expect our children to behave rationally and cooperatively.

It is our choice whether we react to potentially escalating situations with tones and attitudes that either slow them down or speed them up. We cannot leave the job up to our children to set the tone of a situation and determine what direction it takes, no matter what age they are.

It is our choice to react automatically or respond consciously. Most of us were never taught how to make that distinction. But we can learn. We can let our children show us how.

What Now?

“Am I too late?” is a question I am asked from parents of two-year-olds through teens. The resistance children present to us-from their first “no” to the cold shoulder of adolescence-represents their growing drive toward independence. How we perceive their resistance and what we do about it is our responsibility, not our child's. It starts before age two and continues right through their separation from home and beyond. At any point, children will be thrilled with a parent who is willing to see that resistance through clearer eyes and take responsibility for their own emotions and reactions.

The younger the child, the sooner you are likely to see results with a new approach. But I have seen relationships with older teens turn around too. It may just take a little longer for a teenager to trust the change in your approach than a four-year-old. But it is never too late to connect with your child.

If there is anything that we wish to change in our children, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
- Carl G. Jung, The Development of Personality

Exercise 1: Identifying Your Buttons

How do you know when your button has been pushed?

List your child's behaviors that push your button.

What are your typical automatic reactions?

Where do your automatics tend to put you on the Button Meter?

Do different times of the day change your Button Meter? Is there a pattern?

What typically causes you to hit the boiling-over or explosion zone?

What are your reactions to your child when you are in each zone?

Copyright © 2003 by Bonnie Harris

About the Author

BONNIE HARRIS, M.S.ED., is a parent educator, counselor, and coach who received her master's degree from Bank Street College in New York City. She founded The Parent Guidance Center and has designed numerous parenting workshops, including her popular When Your Kids Push Your Buttons™, which inspired this book. The mother of two grown children, she lives with her husband in New Hampshire.