Our Children Get the Worst of Us

When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It
by Bonnie Harris

(Page 2 of 3)

No one pushes our buttons like our children. No one knows our buttons as intimately as they do. No one can make us soar to our heights or bring us to our knees more quickly than they can. But when we are in a state of anger, hopelessness, or resentment, we are not effective parents. We can't or won't understand their feelings, see their point of view, or respond objectively. We want them to know how angry they are making us, so we revert to retaliation, yelling, and punishment, and we end up in power struggles.

Road Rage

We all know what it feels like to have our buttons pushed. Something physical happens: a particular energy takes over, and we “see red.” Adrenaline rushes; muscles tighten; palms sweat; voices change register. Your face looks really ugly, and you turn into somebody no one wants to be around. It happens to the best of us.

“Road rage” is a good example. You're in a rush to get where you're going and some guy pulls in front of you with only inches to spare. In the privacy of your car, you feel at liberty to scream every expletive in the book, honk, flash your lights, and fantasize pushing a button to release four missile-like spears aimed directly at each of his tires. In this state of mind, it would never occur to you that the other driver does not have a personal vendetta against you. He may have just received a call that his wife is in labor, his son was in a car accident, or he just drives recklessly. Regardless of the reason, the smart thing to do is slow down and back off. But no, when that button is pushed, you in fact speed up, get as close to him as possible, so that he will at least know how mad he has made you and that he can't get away with pushing you out of your rightful place in the line of traffic. You honk your horn, pass him in a no-passing zone, throw daggerlike looks his way as you pass, and endanger the lives of both of you.

The same thing happens when your own darling child does something that catapults you directly and instantly into your out-of-control zone. There's an excellent chance that your child's behavior has tapped into something deeper in you than mere annoyance. You react in ways that are irrational, horrifying, and all too familiar. You open your mouth intending to teach your child something and out comes your mother. You may even have learned all the “right” parenting skills and know just what you should be doing, yet you lose it anyway. Not only are you not the parent you want to be, but you are the parent you swore you would never become.

Button-Pushing Behavior

Many times our children cause us annoyance and anger, prompting us to curtail their behavior with limits and strong expectations of better behavior. Sometimes it pushes our buttons, and sometimes it doesn't.

If your child is hitting, she needs to stop. You may feel angry that she is hitting, but when you can control that anger without blaming your child for it, your button has not been pushed. It is when you cannot respond effectively, when you lose it and instantly react, that your button has been pushed. You become a big part of the problem, emotions escalate, and chances are you will not be able to stop the hitting.

Getting your button pushed results in many degrees of emotional reactions. Button-pushing behaviors can be relatively insignificant or quite serious. But to the parent whose button has been pushed, it is always serious-in that moment, anyway.

Whatever the behavior, it may be helpful to know where on the Button Meter, between mere annoyance and vindictive rage, you find yourself.

No matter what your reaction, when your button has been pushed you lose authority, break connection, and leave both you and your child feeling angry, defensive, frightened, and inadequate. Nothing productive can be taught no matter how hard you try. Attempts to control the situation only push your child farther from your intentions or teach her to obey you out of fear-neither of which is a desirable outcome.

“How do I know if my button has been pushed?” In many cases it is all too clear. But sometimes you may be too focused on your child's behavior to see the button. You know your button has been pushed when one or more of the following happens:

• An all-too-familiar emotion (rage, hopelessness) floods your body, and you react in a way you regret.

• Your spouse says, “Why do you always get so upset about that? Just let it go.” Or, “She never does that with me.” Or, “What's the big deal? He's just being a boy!”

• Visions of your grown child unable to accomplish anything, alone and friendless or behind bars, loom vividly.

• Rational behavior seems suddenly and completely out of reach.

• Your child reminds you of a relative you have judgments about.

• You know you could never have gotten away with what your child is saying or doing.

• You see fear on your child's face.

• You are at the end of your rope, swear you have tried everything, and nothing works.

Copyright © 2003 by Bonnie Harris

About the Author

BONNIE HARRIS, M.S.ED., is a parent educator, counselor, and coach who received her master's degree from Bank Street College in New York City. She founded The Parent Guidance Center and has designed numerous parenting workshops, including her popular When Your Kids Push Your Buttons™, which inspired this book. The mother of two grown children, she lives with her husband in New Hampshire.