Think fast! Now, think faster!

Business Dad : How Good Businessmen Can Make Great Fathers (and Vice Versa)
by Tom Hirschfeld, Julie Hirschfeld, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 3)

The timing is painful. We're trying not to blow the critical years of our kids' childhoods, while at the same time struggling to build careers in the midst of one of the most challenging business climates ever. Is it any wonder that many business dads feel overwhelmed? In 1979, a national survey found that only 12 percent of fathers said they were experiencing stress trying to balance work and family; by 1989, that figure had climbed to 72 percent. What's your guess for 1999?

Don M., a friend of mine, gives me some clues as to the answer. (I'll protect my personal contacts' privacy by using their last initials, and by changing names in a few cases, but they're all real people, not composites.) Don has just completed his M.B.A. after having started his career in the nonprofit sector. He and his wife don't have kids yet, but he's already wondering out loud if he'll be able to succeed in business and still give them what they need. His own dad was a policeman who worked thirty-five hours a week, and so was home more often than not. Don knows with “a kind of lingering guilt” that he won't be able to match that. Nor is he alone; he says the inevitable conflicts between home and work come up regularly among his B-school classmates.

Business Week described the predicament in a long article in the fall of 1998 titled “The Daddy Trap,” with the subhead, “Men face greater expectations at home. But work isn't giving them the slack they need.” The article quotes Jeffrey Welch, a New York bank executive who's frustrated by the difficulty of succeeding at both work and fathering. “I'd like to participate more in school or camp stuff, but I can't manage my schedule in a way to allow that. I'm letting go of everything for myself, except for exercise on weekends. . . . I want to be a dad who, thirty years down the road, my kids say, ?Yeah, he was a big part of our life.' And right now, I'm not that.”

What can we business dads do to escape the Daddy Trap? The first step, once we recognize the problem, is simple: resolving to give it our best shot. In this age of change, we're used to having new expectations thrust on us, so we might as well take on one more - our expanded responsibilities as fathers. We love our kids like anything, and we want the best for them, whatever this world has to offer. It's certainly not our habit to shirk an assignment or to run from a challenge. Jobs come and go, but family is forever - at least we hope it is. So we're ready to make the commitment.

Unfortunately, deciding to be a good father is only the first step. Real life is littered with obstacles that make fathering tough for even the best intentioned of us. In combination, these obstacles can make us wonder if our fathering efforts are worth the extra stress, even while we feel guilty for not doing more. (It's like the old joke about the guy who tells the waiter, “This food is terrible - and besides, the portions are so small!”) Given the ceaseless demands we face from work, the only thing worse than feeling we're not trying hard enough as dads is suspecting that the efforts we are making are misguided, wasted, or even counterproductive. Here's a brief sampling of the obstacles I have in mind. I'm sure you can supply plenty more on your own.

© 1999 by Tom Hirschfeld with Julie Hirschfeld, Ph.D

About the Author

Tom Hirschfeld is a venture capitalist at Patricof & Co., where he invests in technology and communications companies. He serves on the boards of six corporations and one nonprofit institution. He was previously assistant to the mayor of New York City, vice president in corporate finance at Salomon Brothers, and author of two books about video games.

Julie Hirschfeld holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and specializes in marital and family therapy. The Hirschfelds live in New York City with their two children.